Hello world, letting you hear my voice (but not see my face) once again. I am still alive. Heart is still alive. I have been on many adventures of life and heart since my last post. More life, more heart. I am different… in some patches a more mature garden, other corners have grown neglected.

But He is still the same. He is still as kind, as faithful and He is still love. I will tell you more at another time. And I will still sing, because He still loves me.

——————————————

So I ended there but then figured I might as well actually write about what has been brewing. You’re here for some rambles from the overflow, after all.

I am having a baby.

There is an eternal human being growing on the inside of me. This little one has existed forever in the heart and mind of God, and now is being physically knit together inside of my frame. This little one who has been loved all along by the Lord is about to come into consciousness and the opportunity to love in return. This little one is loved unendingly by Love Himself, and I have been entrusted to raise this one in the way they should go.

I want so much for my little baby. I desire for them to love the Lord with all of their heart, soul, mind and strength. I want them to love people well, much as their earthly father does. I want them to love and know me. I want them to have a great love for the Word, and for it to be their sweet place of encounter with the True and Living God. I want them to know truth and declare it unwaveringly. I don’t want them to waste time like I do. I don’t want them to be as quick to forget the love of God as I am. I don’t want them to be bound by the same things as me. I want them to be wiser than I am, and more courageous than I am. But I realise that I need to be pursuing the life and heart I want for my baby for myself… not just for my baby’s sake, but for mine! Everything I want for my baby I want for myself, too. Those deep desires and dreams of my heart concerning my walk with the Lord I want for this little one, and woe to anyone who would get in their way. But I mustn’t forget my heart in the Lord, for a number of reasons:

- When it’s all said and done, mine is the only heart I have control over. My love is the only love I can give.

- I cannot expect to consistently and effectively lead this little one in ways I have not even grown familiar with myself, or am not seeking to walk with them on.

- I cannot live through my baby. They have their life, their calling, their destiny, their way up the mountain and I have mine. I have the privilege and terrifying responsibility of a role in these, but at the end of the day I will be asked to give an account for the days given to me. In that day what my child achieved in the Lord will be only be relevant in terms of was I faithful in the role I was given in that, no more. But did I love, from my own heart? Did I grow? Did I choose to obey? Did I love well?

I am amazed by how much I love this little one I have not even met yet. But stirred again to love the Lord well. To live for His delight. Not letting the joy we find in each other be stolen or carelessly given away. To spend time with my most faithful Friend and Love. To fear Him. To be found faithful, plugging away as best I can where He has me. To ever be making melody in my heart to Him. He wants to return to me the melodies of my heart. He remembers and treasures my songs in the night, but moreso wants the ‘now’ song of my heart. And I will not let anything, neither man nor fear nor oppression nor discouragement silence that song. My song for the Lord. It’s precious to Him. And I so look forward to the songs my child has for the Lord, too. I look forward to singing together.