I am so in awe of God… this One who is love (1 John 4:8)… and loves me. The One who has searched me and knows me (Psalm 139:1)… who sees all the darkness and the unsettled issues… and yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). The One who knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11), the One who is leading me in paths of righteousness (Psalm 23:3), the One who allures me into the wilderness and speaks tenderly to me (Hosea 2:14)… that I would come up leaning upon Him (Song of Songs 8:5). The One whose great pleasure it was to create me (Revelation 5:11), fully knowing how many times I would choose disobedience and run after all those other things instead of into Him… and in spite of that loving me. Loving me even when I was His enemy (Romans 5:10). Loving me first… knowing that when I began to see His pursuit of me and begin to glimpse His love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19) I would love Him in return. I love Him because He first loved me (1 John 4:19).

This is why I was created: to love the Lord with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30). It’s more than a commandment, it’s my life vision… and what He is fully able and more willing than I can comprehend to bring into reality. Because it’s not about me gritting my teeth and making myself love Him more… it’s Him who is love showing me what love is, showing me the love He has for me and so awakening my heart to love Him still more and more. Him captivating my heart by opening my eyes to see still more of His beauty. He is the One who crowns me with love and compassion (Psalm 103:4)… the One who takes my ashes and gives me beauty (Isaiah 61:3). I don’t deserve it and I certainly could never earn it… and yet His love has been lavished upon me (1 John 3:1). He delights in showing mercy (Micah 7:18)… and delights in me.

What a beautiful God. I love Him … I love Him as best I can… in my weak-but-true way which somehow overwhelms His heart (Song of Songs 4:9)… *happy sigh*

Soooo… this is pretty much my favourite song at the moment… haha sorry about the Spanish subtitles and sometimes odd slideshow (I don’t understand the significance of long lines of people holding hands…), but it was the only way I could get the song actually on here…

• “… apart from Me you can do nothing.” John 15:5
• “Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.” Psalm 40:17
• “The Lord hears the needy and does not despise His captive people.” Psalm 69:33
• “The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, He saved me.” Psalm 116:6

I like John 15:5. Apart from Him we can do NOTHING. I’m clinging to that truth… and running into Him when I’m feeling overwhelmed by my weakness… and humbling myself when I’m feeling like I’ve got it all together in my own strength.

But lately I’ve been feeling more overwhelmed than having it all together. Taking a long hard look at the choices He’s put infront of me about a whole bunch of things, consequences of choosing either option, confusion over what His will is, meeting my inability to know what is His voice and will, feelin’ torn between obedience, wisdom and desire… and feelin’ overwhelmed…

And yet, in my weakness His strength is made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9). And He sees past the weakness and treasures the heart that desires to love and obey Him completely… He delights in it… says that I am dark yet lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). And He knows, even more than I am discovering, that I can do nothing without Him (John 15:5). And He wants me to love and obey Him even more than I want to. And I ask Him to help me… and so He will. He will. He is the God who saves (Psalm 68:20)… the God who delivers me because He delights in me (Psalm 18:19)… and strengthens my feeble knees (Job 4:4) and helps me run after Him… even when I feel able to do no more than curl up into a ball and cry. But by the grace He’s given me I choose to not cry about my weakness but rejoice in His strength…

… and spend all day singing this song… my life is a musical, for sure…

ps. everyone loves a good “na na na na na na na…” at least I do…

So back in the day… God created Adam and put him in the garden. What was Adam’s job? To tend the garden (Genesis 2:15). And that’s still our job. Not as in we have to go to the Middle East and start growing a physical leafy garden again… the garden we are in charge of tending is our heart.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23). We have been entrusted with that which is so precious to God… our heart. It was created to love the One who is love (1 John 4:8). Even in all our weakness and immaturity… our little dark hearts are so lovely to Him (Song of Songs 1:5)… and He has put them in our care… knowing that we won’t always do a good job… to quote the Shulammite: “… my own vineyard have I neglected.” (Song of Songs 1:6)

But He is so faithful to help us. For surely we are the work of His hands for the display of His splendor (Isaiah 60:21). And He who has begun a good work will complete it (Philippians 1:6). He is the One who looks with compassion on all our ruins and makes our deserts like Eden and our wastelands a garden (Isaiah 51:3). We can’t just grit our teeth and bring forth righteousness and mature love etcetc… that’s what He will do… if only we let Him. When we choose to pursue 100% obedience and follow where He leads. When we spend time fellowshipping with God, the Holy Spirit that dwells within us… the fruit of that will be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). I need a whooole lot more of ALL of those. I need some fruit trees in my garden

Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards… (Song of Songs 1:15). The foxes speak of little compromises… those little things that God is pressing His finger on… little, yes, but are still not in alignment with Him… ruining the garden. As dead flies give perfume a bad smell, so a little folly outweighs wisdom and honour (Ecclesiastes 10:1). Part of tending the garden is to get rid of those little weeds… “… let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles…” Hebrews 12:1

Argh. Looking at my own heart I’m thinkin’ I need less foxes and more fruit

I want a beautiful fragrance to arise from my garden… a heart overflowing with praise and love… He is worthy of nothing less.

Aaaaaaaargh. I used to have a really bad temper when I was little… and I’ve pretty much grown out of it… but ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I still have my moments. And today I spent the second half of a lecture trying to chill out from one such moment…

I love the Word of God… I can’t argue with it and win (Job 40:2). It is truth (John 17:17). And it pleases Him when I try to live it (1 Samuel 15:22). His Word chills me out when I feel that temper bubbling away underneath the surface…

Good ol’ Proverbs… gets you every time…

• A quick-tempered man does foolish things… (Proverbs 14:17)
• A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly (Proverbs 14:29)
• A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel (Proverbs 15:1
• Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city (Proverbs 16:32)
• Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered… (Proverbs 22:24)
• An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins… (Proverbs 29:22)

*siiiigh* my pride has to die. I want to be like Jesus.

“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!” Philippians 2:5-8

I like animals I often get sad in nature documentaries when the lion is chasing the zebra and I’m like “RUN little zebra RUUUUUUN!!”

Although… if the lion doesn’t get the zebra it will die instead. Lions should be vegetarian.

And the other day I saw a bumper sticker that says “extinction is forever” and had a picture of a humpback whales. I like them too but it got me thinking… is extinction really forever… will the extinct animals be around in the Millenial Kingdom??

There will be animals there (Isaiah 11:6-8)… but He’s making all things new… new heaven, new earth (Isaiah 65:17)… new animals?? That could be fun or will the old animals that we made extinct come back?? I wonder…

Oh but the zebra will be safe from the lion in the Millenial Kingdom (Isaiah 11:9). Hooray!!

Soooo… obedience. The Lord likes it (1 Samuel 15:22). He is the Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… that fact alone commands it. I like the idea of it, especially the idea of me living it 100%… but I often don’t like the fact that it can be hurty. And so I am so often so quick to choose disobedience because it doesn’t hurt (at the time anyway)… but, well, God is pretty good at ska-weeeeezing my little heart (aka. conviction)… or removing His presence beyond my ability to feel it (Song of Songs 3:1)… which also hurts my little heart… until I’m like “ow ow I’m sorry!!” and come running back and into His unending mercy (Revelation 4:3)… into the fact that because He loves me Jesus became the atoning sacrifice for my sins (1 John 4:10)… and then get caught up in the wonder that through no achievement or righteousness of my own I have been given right-standing before God (Romans 5:17). Be amazed that this God who knows me completely (Psalm 139:1)… sees the darkness yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Try to comprehend the love that caused Jesus to be pierced for my transgressions… crushed for my iniquities (Isaiah 53:5)… this love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19)…

In the face of this love… this grace that has been given to me… whyyyy would I want to disobey? To grieve the One who loves me so much and delights in me??

And yet I do…

But I am getting better. Going from strength to strength (Psalm 84:7)… even though I still am so weak… for He gives strength to those who have none (Isaiah 40:29). He is so kind. So merciful… delighting in showing mercy (Micah 7:18)… delighting in me… delighting in showing me mercy. Yes, I stumble… but He gives me strength to get up and keep plugging away (Job 4:4)… knowing that the stumbles don’t intimidate or overwhelm Him… yet somehow my little weak love overwhelms His heart (Song of Songs 4:9). Knowing that when I choose to get up again, to trust in His love, to set my heart on a pilgrimage (Psalm 84:5), to forget the other lovers and run after Him (Hosea 2:7)… it matters to Him. And I don’t have to cautiously come back… face a God who is frosty and distant because I ’surprised’ Him or ‘ruined all His plans’ by messing up again… no, I come boldly before a throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16)… and am met by Him running out to meet me as I come back (Luke 15:20)… and my mistakes and stumbles could never be so big as to cancel out His Sovereignity.

Now, I am certainly not saying that I have no need to try to obey completely… the Bible is clear that we are to make every effort to be holy (Hebrews 12:14), that He desires our obedience (1 Samuel 15:22), that there are definitely rewards for obedience (Psalm 149:19, Psalm 84:11… among LOTS of others…)… but until I get there… while I am still stumbling away… His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

He loves me, yes yes He does!!  *dancedancedance* … and so I love Him (1 John 4:19)… how could I not love the One who loves me so much??

And He loves you… and He loves everybody (John 3:16)… that is exciting!!

… also terrifying, when you consider His jealousy.

This verse belongs on the list of verses that do my head in:

“You number my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle; are they not in Your book?” Psalm 56:8

I was never big on crying… until I went to IHOP. Ohhh dear. Yep, I became a crier. No longer pushing emotions down and out of my mind… but allowed myself to feel. Fear, tenderness, frustration, repentance, joy etcetc… it all made me a bit teary. Still does… but to a lesser extent… and I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Whether it shows I have matured or my heart has gotten harder.

Buuut enough about me, I am here to blog about the verse…

Sooo… I like that. That God treasures my tears. That in all my distress He too is distressed (Isaiah 63:9). That even though He is so much bigger than all my problems that seem so overwhelming to my little heart… He is upset that I am upset… because He loves me. He cares about me… and so beckons me to cast all my cares upon Him (1 Peter 5:7). It is incredible enough that He even sees my tears and hears my cries (2 Kings 20:5)… but He even stores my tears and records my laments.

When it came to this verse I used to be… and, well, sometimes still can be… part of the “Bible-but Club” (yep, Stuart Greaves has a way with words…). For example I would think that “… the Bible says God stores my tears but… obviously it’s only when I’m crying about the ‘right’ things eg. feelin’ all tender towards Him, getting fresh revelation of His mercy etctec…” and somehow thought that when I was crying about things like me not understanding and being unable to see past something that was making my little heart feel overwhelmed He was disappointed in me for not understanding and so somehow my tears didn’t ‘count’ before Him… that those ones didn’t make it into God’s bottle. Believing that when I don’t “have it all together” my cries mean nothing to Him. Twisting the truth that His ears are attentive to the cry of the righteous (Psalm 34:15) to not include me… despite the fact that through Christ Jesus I now have the gift of righteousness before Him (Romans 5:17). Telling myself that He knows me better than I do (Psalm 139:1), and I am feelin’ pretty overwhelmed by all the darkness in my heart… so obviously He is mad at me too… forgetting that yet He sees the darkness… but He also sees the weak but true desire to fully love and obey Him… and so calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Forgetting that even when I was His enemy He loved me enough to die for me (Romans 5:10). Forgetting that any righteousness I work up in my own strength is still as filthy rags to Him (Isaiah 64:6), the Holy Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… forgetting that I could never ‘earn’ His love. I could never come before Him confident in my own righteousness… but I can boldy come before Him (Hebrews 4:16) because of His great mercy and His righteousness (Daniel 9:18)… the righteousness He has given me.

I need revelation of just how much he loves me… just how tender He is towards me even in my weakness… for my heart to truly believe all the time that my sin, weaknesses and all the little unsettled issues don’t overwhelm Him… yet one little weak glance ravishes His heart (Song of Songs 4:9)… and every little tear is seen… and treasured.

As Jesus and His disciples were on their way, He came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what He said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to Him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42 (NIV… buuut I capitalised some letters that NIV leaves lower case… I just like to do that…)

Yep. Mary of Bethany is my girl (… and, for the record, Jeremiah is my boy ).

In light of everything that needed to be done… Mary saw something of greater necessity… to be captivated and undistracted… just sitting at the feet of Jesus, and listening to what He had to say. This One with grace poured upon His lips (Psalm 45:2)… the One whose words are spirit and life (John 6:63)… the One who is the very Word of God (John 1). She is doing Song of Songs 2:3… “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in His shade…” I want to be like that.

But yes, there were other things that needed to be done. We can be a bit hard on Martha. But the Word says that she was distracted by the preparations that had to be done. Now… it’s not like I’ve read it in the Greek or anything (haha as a side note… I toootally want to be one of those people who can be all ‘… actually in the Greek that word means…’ I don’t like being at the mercy of potentially sucky translations… I like NIV. Some people think it is sucky. But I’ve researched a leeetle bit into translations… and I feel that liking NIV is justifiable. Aaanyway, back to what I was saying before…)… buuut as far as I can see, it doesn’t say that Martha was actually doing the serving at the time. Reading NKJV suggests that Mary and Martha were simultaneously sitting at Jesus’ feet… but Martha’s mind was elsewhere… distracted by all the preparations and serving that had to be done.

I picture Mary sitting and listening intently, fully captivated by Jesus… but Martha sitting there and being like how I am so prone to be… trying to read my Bible but my head is swimming with a whole bunch of other stuff I have to do (eg. do laundry, study, make dinner etctec…)… so much so that I eventually just drop Bible study, which I don’t feel like I’m ‘getting too much out of anyway’ (because I’m probably too noisy on the inside to hear anything…) in favour of other stuff that needs to be done. And so I’m guessing that at some point Martha bailed and started doing preparations… the preparations that had to be done. Sooo… I’m not going to have a go at her for doing stuff that needed to be done.

Haha I just realised that I started this post planning on talking about Mary, but I’m rambling on about Martha now… oh well

Sooo… Martha had a choice… preparations that obviously needed to be done, for she had, after all, opened her home to Jesus (and I’m assuming His disciples as well…)… versus sitting at the feet of God, listening to what He has to say. There is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1)… so I’m guessing that there was a time to listen and a time to prepare. Nothing wrong with preparation. But being so internally distracted by things that need to be done that you can’t focus on the thing that is better than all of that is a problem. A problem I am prone to…

Oh, that I would be able to sit at His feet, gazing upon Him with dove’s eyes (Song of Songs 4:1)… undistracted, undivided devotion (1 Corinthians 7:35)… listening to what He has to say… not distracted by all those other things, as valid as they may be. For they are not more important than just quietening down and spending time with God. And then that I could go do those other things with all my heart as if I was working for God and not men (Colossians 3:23)… worshipping Him in all that I do, whether I am meditating in the Word or doing an assignment for uni… but most of all treasuring the times just spent at His feet… the one thing that is needed (Luke 10:42)… the one thing I desire (Psalm 27:4)…

Sooo one justification I had for wagging uni was that it gave me more time for things of eternal worth… ie. studying the eternal Word of God (Isaiah 40:8). Buuut God blew that one outta the water last night during a teaching on calling… eg. internal (intimacy), external (ministry) and eternal. He reminded me that we get eternal rewards according to our faithfulness with even little things (Luke19:17)… on this side of eternity.

… including our faithfulness with rolling outta bed and into a lecture at a university that in accordance with His good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2) He wants you to go to. His will that remains unchanged despite loud protesting and frequent wagging on my end. (Oh, if you don’t know what ‘wagging’ means… it is apparently the same as ‘bunking’… I think… if you are American, anyway…)

Yep, I desire eternal rewards. As well as 100% obedience. And so I went to uni today.

Yay for me.

Yay for eternal rewards.

But most of all, yay for the God who delights in mercy (Micah 7:18), rewarding us for the obedience which is surely commanded by the very fact that He is the Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… rewarding us when He owes us nothing. He has already given us the most incredible gift of all… eternity with Him, through His Son going to the cross (John 3:16). But if that wasn’t reward enough… we get further reward. Even for faithfulness with the little.

Surely, no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him (1 Corinthians 2:9)…

… and for me for actually going (albeit doing a little internal kicking and screaming… my heart is very much a work in progress…) to university. It’s a small thing… but even small things mean so much to Him (Song of Songs 4:9)… and on top of the joy of knowing that even in my weakness I move the heart of God… I take heart in that He will reward me. I toootally don’t deserve it… but He will.

He is so kind

I was plunkin’ away at the keys the other day… I was just meandering my way around the Bible… singing things that caught my eye, cross referencing, exploring the what these verses mean, playing around with chord progressions… lingering at the keys as time slipped away… because He loves me and loves to hear my voice (Song of Songs 2:14)… and oh, how I love to sing my heart out to Him

And in amongst all of that, this verse caught my eye…

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone…” Psalm 62:5

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone. For in His presence is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11). Why spend life running around, trying to find happiness in anything and everything apart from God… when in the presence of the omnipresent God (Psalm 139:7) who dwells within me (1 Corinthians 6:19) and whom I can come boldly before (Hebrews 4:16) is pleasure forevermore. He has given me the gift of righteousness (Romans 5:17)… the gift of right standing before Him. I don’t have to try and earn His love… I don’t have to strive to be found worthy of love. For when I was His enemy He loved me enough to send His Son as an atoning sacrifice for my sins (Romans 5:10, 1 John 4:10)… and His love remains unchanged. Find rest, O my soul, in the One who knows me better than I do, yet still loves me. Sees all my darkness, and declares that I am lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Calling things that are not as though they were (Romans 4:17)… calling them out and into existence. The same voice that spoke creation (Genesis 1)… calls me lovely. And so I am. And so I will be.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone. The One my soul longs for (Psalm 63:1). The One who created me to long for Him. The One who will give me desires of my heart when I delight myself in the One whom I desire above all else (Psalm 37:4). The One I desire to seek and gaze upon all the days of my life (Psalm 27:4). The One who is holy (too many references to name just one…), the One who stands alone, transcending all others (Song of Songs 2:3)… in this One alone may I find complete rest.

I want to feel my need for God… and take it and run not to another but into Him. I want to be my heart to be aching with hunger for God… and not being satisfied with anything less. For only He can satisfy. And He will still the hunger of those He cherishes (Psalm 17:14)… stilling my hunger for Him with Himself… and yet leave me so much hungrier than I was… only to be satisfied again… and on and on and on… ever drawing me deeper. Surely, He will take me to Himself (Psalm 49:15). Though many a man claims to have unfailing love (Proverbs 20:6)… only in Him will I find perfect, unfailing, everlasting love. That which He has so graciously lavished upon me (1 John 3:1). Oh, that I would not become complacent… lulled into a false sense of security (Amos 6:1)… content with other lovers… why run after other lovers (Hosea 2:7) when I am relentlessly pursued by the One who is love (1 John 4:8)??

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone…