Lately as I’ve been reading the Word and meditating on it and praying it back to Him… He has taking me just a little bit deeper into understanding of who He is and the greatness of His love… and my response has often been an awestruck “… really?” As in, ‘You’re really that kind? You are that merciful? Like, Your Word truly means what it says when it says all those incredible things about You? That’s really who You are??’ Not that I didn’t believe those things before, but it’s like they’re coming alive to my heart… and I’m so in awe that this beautiful God loves me.

And then I was a bit sad too… that so many (… and even sometimes my own little heart) buy into the lie that God is a mostly angry deity, looming over us full of hostility towards us, just waiting for us to slip up so He can give up on us, cast us out of His presence and into hell. But when we read the Word we see the truth about Him… that He is the One who delights in mercy (Micah 7:18), has compassion on all that He has made (Psalm 145:9), the One who is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness (Psalm 86:15), the One who carries His people close to His heart (Isaiah 40:11), the One who so loved the world that He gave His only Son that we could be with Him forever (John 3:16), the One whose love for us is so much greater than our hearts’ tilt towards sin, the One who remains faithful to us even when we are unfaithful, the One who judges in perfect righteousness (Revelation 19:11)… and so on and so on… I can’t write it all out, so go read the Bible…

I want to know truth about Him… I want to know Him as He is… I want my eyes to see the King in all of His beauty (Isaiah 33:17)… for He is too good to settle for believing less than the truth of who He is.

We dance to this song in my contemporary class… I love it!! Snaps for Shawn McDonald…

Speaking of dance… I am going to Sydney to dance in a ministry thingo called Project Dance… it’s Christian dancers from all over the world dancing outside in Sydney (as well as New York, Atlanta and Hong Kong)… and people can just walk by and watch… and there will be evangelists out in the crowd talking to the people who stop to watch… ooooh I am SO excited!!

So please pray 2 Thessalonians 3:1 for us… “… that the word of the Lord may run swiftly and be glorified…” … or pray for us that the word of the Lord may be danced beautifully and be glorified

I am so in awe of God… this One who is love (1 John 4:8)… and loves me. The One who has searched me and knows me (Psalm 139:1)… who sees all the darkness and the unsettled issues… and yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). The One who knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11), the One who is leading me in paths of righteousness (Psalm 23:3), the One who allures me into the wilderness and speaks tenderly to me (Hosea 2:14)… that I would come up leaning upon Him (Song of Songs 8:5). The One whose great pleasure it was to create me (Revelation 5:11), fully knowing how many times I would choose disobedience and run after all those other things instead of into Him… and in spite of that loving me. Loving me even when I was His enemy (Romans 5:10). Loving me first… knowing that when I began to see His pursuit of me and begin to glimpse His love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19) I would love Him in return. I love Him because He first loved me (1 John 4:19).

This is why I was created: to love the Lord with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30). It’s more than a commandment, it’s my life vision… and what He is fully able and more willing than I can comprehend to bring into reality. Because it’s not about me gritting my teeth and making myself love Him more… it’s Him who is love showing me what love is, showing me the love He has for me and so awakening my heart to love Him still more and more. Him captivating my heart by opening my eyes to see still more of His beauty. He is the One who crowns me with love and compassion (Psalm 103:4)… the One who takes my ashes and gives me beauty (Isaiah 61:3). I don’t deserve it and I certainly could never earn it… and yet His love has been lavished upon me (1 John 3:1). He delights in showing mercy (Micah 7:18)… and delights in me.

What a beautiful God. I love Him … I love Him as best I can… in my weak-but-true way which somehow overwhelms His heart (Song of Songs 4:9)… *happy sigh*

This morning at work my manager was asking all us employees if we were doing anything exciting tonight. I shook my head along with most of the others… but inwardly was like “ooooh, I have prayer tonight!! Sa-weeeet!!”

Then she asked me again later… the same question… “Are you doing anything exciting tonight?” and I go, “No, just going to prayer…”

And she walked off and I’m left thinking… no, actually, these prayer meetings are the highlights of my week!! I sit there at uni or stand there at work and am hanging out for when I can LEAVE work or uni and get to prayer. YES, prayer is exciting!! (Weeeell, ok, it can also feel dry too… but when I step back and remember what prayer actually is… oh, it is exciting ) I get to talk to the Lord God Almighty, knowing that He hears my little voice (2 Samuel 22:7) and what I have to say matters to Him… because I matter to Him (1 Peter 5:7)… more than that, I am loved knowledge-surpassingly (Ephesians 3:19)!! I am going to go spend time sitting in a room singing and talking to the One who loves me… and I am EXCITED!! I am going to spend my Friday night partnering with God in what He’s doing on the earth… talking to Him and learning what is on His heart and standing in agreement those things… His good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2)… I am going to spend my night asking Him to do what is on His heart to do. I get to sit at the feet of God and listen to what He has to say (Luke 10:39)… and I am EXCITED about it!! I get to do that which I love to do… to gaze upon His beauty, seek His face and just enjoy being in His presence (Psalm 27:4). And I am excited about it

All that was on my heart… yet I didn’t sound too excited at all when I answered her. Why?? Fear of man. I was scared of her thinking less of me because I get excited about prayer… buuut I thought about it some more and was like… “yeh, well… sooo what??” Oh, that I would have the fear of the Lord… not the fear of man (Matthew 10:28). The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man (or manager….) do to me?? (Psalm 118:6)

Oh, I want to know His love still more and more… His perfect love that casts out fear (1 John 4:18)…

Soooo… next time she asks me if I’m doing anything exciting on Friday night… my answer will be a simple, “Yeh, I am… I’m going to prayer.”

So much for waiting til study break…

I was planning on studying nuclear energy tonight (can someone PLEASE explain how studying nuclear energy will make me a good accountant…) … buuuut blogging is the order of the night.

His presence. Oh how I long for it.

“Blessed are those You choose and bring near to live in Your courts.” Psalm 65:4

“One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple.” Psalm 27:4

“… You will fill me with joy in Your presence…” Psalm 16:11

“I delight to sit in His shade…” Song of Songs 2:3

“Blessed are those who… walk in the light of Your presence…” Psalm 89:15

“… it is good to be near God.” Psalm 73:28

And so on and so on…

This does my head in: I have Christ in me (Colossians 1:27)… and the Holy Spirit dwells within me (1 Corinthians 6:19)… and surely we are carried close to His heart (Isaiah 40:11). Besides, God is omnipresent… and it is written that I cannot flee from His presence (Psalm 139:7)… yet I say that my heart longs for His presence.

All that to say… I say I long for His presence… but really, it is always there. I think that when I say ‘I long for Your presence’ I actually mean that I long to feel the ever-present nearness of God. Oh, that I would be free from distraction and everything that hinders love… that I would be still and at peace… knowing that He is God (Psalm 46:10)… and that He is near.

This is my hope… this is what I live waiting for…

“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’” Revelation 21:3-4

Come, Lord Jesus…

Soooo… I haven’t been blogging for a lil while… just when I thought my life was crazy busy enough my schedule freeeaked out to the max. Ugh, ugh and more UGH. So expect some quietness here for a little while… at least until “study break” it’s two weeks away… just two weeks… *sigh*

But I am mainly learning about these topics right now (and so will probably blog about them… in two weeks time…):

1. love and obedience… the ‘inseparableness’ of them (LOTS of references here… eg. Deuteronomy 11:1, Nehemiah 1:5, Daniel 9:4, John 14:15… and the list goes on and on and on…)
2. the importance of community (eg. Acts 2:42… neh, I can’t think of any others right now [I am tired.] but there are lots. I’ll bring ‘em up when I get around to blogging about ‘em…)

And then the usual discovering and wrestling with various heart issues… but in turn encountering those things that are so much greater than my weakness… His grace, mercy and love. Seeing more of the darkness of heart (Song of Songs 1:5)… but having my eyes lifted to gaze upon His beauty… that which I so desire (Psalm 27:4)… and somehow through all of it being transformed to be like Him (aaaaargh I should insert a Bible reference here… when I find it I’ll add it…)

Oh the humility. The Holy One (1 Samuel 2:2)… the One totally other than… is fully committed to making me like Him. That deserves a *happy sigh*

I really like the song “I Will Waste My Life” by Misty Edwards. I love to sing it, I love to play it, I love to dance to it, I love to listen to it… it captures something I otherwise just ‘feel’… and puts it to music. But all those times I would sing “I will waste my life…” I envisioned being an Anna (Luke 2:36-37), spending my days (nights!!) in a prayer room seeking His face through prayer, fasting and reading the Word… and then from that place of learning from God who God is, going out and making Him known… and then back into the prayer room again

… but He led me here… to days packed full of university or work and waaay less time in an actual prayer room… a life that is simply BUSY with things that seem so meaningless to me (Ecclesiastes 1:2)… oh, but there definitely are things I love (eg. Wednesday night worship with the word sets… *happy sigh*)… and on top of all those other things filling it up life is full of longing to just be back to ’wasting my life’… spending time sitting in a room, knowing that on the outside I appear to be stayin’ up all night talking the atmosphere and missing the odd Taco Bell run here and there… but on the inside something so much bigger and more beautiful is going on… and who even can comprehend what it does to the heart of the Lord (Song of Songs 4:9)?? And when the heart of the Lord is moved… look out, you powers and principalities (Colossians 2:15)…

I would cry (*sigh* still do on the odd day…) “God… why am I here?? It feels like such a waste of my life…” … but one day I remembered the aforementioned song… and all those times I would sing “I will waste my life…” envisioning a life sitting (and dancing!!) in a prayer room… because it had gotten to the point where that didn’t seem like a ‘waste’ of my life at all… but what I wanted to do with my life more than anything… and my heart just came alive like never before when I had a chance to pray, fast, read the Word and worship through dance and song fulltime… being a successful accountant no longer held any appeal… aaand it still doesn’t, but I am nevertheless still pluggin’ away at the accounting degree…

Wooow bunny trail… ok, back to crying and remembering…

All those times I told Him I would waste my life… envisioning something that wasn’t a waste to me and being excited by the prospect… and then He leads me away from that and into something completely different… something which truly does ‘feel’ like a waste… and three years of it sitting ahead of me… but I am totally aware that the way I feel doesn’t mean that’s how it is… it feels like a waste when I forget… when I forget that He remains fully in control (1 Timothy 6:15), when I forget that He is wiser than I am (Isaiah 40:13), when I forget that He wants my heart (Song of Songs 7:10) even more than I want to give it, when I forget that His will is good, pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2)… oh that I would truly see things the way they are… the way He sees them… not filtered through my emotions and weak understanding…

Lots of emotions rage inside me when I step back and look at it all. When I weigh up my hopes, dreams and desires against reality and God’s will. Oh, that they would all be one and the same… but as of now there are lots of clashing emotions… usually one or two more dominant than others… the turmoil of frustration, weak but true love, momentary peace, painful confusion, crushing despair, glimpses of hope, flashes of offense, weak yet growing trust etcetc (haha ok, this maybe sounds overly dramatic… but I’m trying to express myself better so we’ll see if this ‘works’ or is overkill..)… but oh that it would all be overwhelmed and silenced by love.

I have been known try and start arguments with God… ha… one day I was crying to/trying to argue with Him… and I’m all “… but I was willing to sacrifice so much else and just pray…” and I felt a resounding “obedience is better than sacrifice” (1 Samuel 15:22) and I was like “*pause*… danggit!!” Shut down by God… I cannot win an argument with God… but who am I to even start arguing with God?? I picture it as me the little kid, kicking and screaming when she doesn’t get her way… and Him just holding me close, holding me still… as I calm down and begin to trust Him…

… I am so loved…

All that to say… it doesn’t always ‘feel’ like it but He is drawing me closer and leading me into the plans He has for me… and honestly, I have no idea what they are… and try as I may to fight it, this is where He has me now… I don’t understand it but I guess that’s His job… mine is to trust and obey and love as best I can… God help me…

“… just let me find I’m at Your feet…”

The beauty of Jesus… 

Wednesday night is worship with the Word night in our prayer room… WWWW… worship with the word on Wednesday We had a time of spontaneous singing so I got to sing what’s been going round and round my heart… round and round and out into my singing whenever I get a chance… all about the beauty of Jesus… beautiful and glorious (Isaiah 4:2)… altogether lovely (Song of Songs 5:16)… fairer than the sons of men (Psalm 45:2)… etcetc… *happy sigh* I love to sing… especially about Jesus

Recruiting…

Today I got to observe/interact with different groups trying to recruit new university students. I especially paid attention to the Christian groups… there was one man just offering bright green Gideon Bibles to passersby… I had a girl simply walk up to me and ask if I was a Christian… others were just sitting at their booths chatting amongst themselves… had a guy chat to me and hand me an invitation to a karaoke night, block party, food fest and outdoor cinema (I totally thought it was just an ordinary university social group, but on close inspection of the invite I saw in tiny fine print that it is actually related to a local church)… another guy gave me a pretty cool lookin’ business-card sized invite to an “inclusive mainstream church“… I have NO idea what that means…

I was intrigued by all the different techniques… I don’t know who managed to recruit the most amount of people to their group… I still don’t really know a lot about each group… all I know is this weekend I am going to hang out with the crew of the girl who walked up to me… and I am definitely praying for all the on-campus Christians… and, of course, the non-Christians… for surely they were created to know God and love God… and it grieves me that so many don’t…

I praise God that even within a secular university He is raising up those who know their God, and desire to make Him known… and they’re doing so in a whole bunch of different ways

Ok, so I am day two into the 30 day challenge… no ‘major’ revelations as of yet, but I remain full of anticipation

I realised that since I am planning on sharing my thoughts throughout the challenge I’d better establish where I’m at now, at the front end…

I guess that when I read it there is a ‘key’ in my head… so when I read it I’m like ‘ok, so this means this…’ eg:

“… a door standing open in heaven…” = open invitation… to what? I have some vague ideas… too vague to share up here

“Come up here…” = God’s invitation for me to come closer… deeper…

“A rainbow, resembling an emerald, encircled the throne…” = unending mercy… reminds me that is the throne of grace that I can come boldly before to receive mercy and help in my time of need (Hebrews 4:16)

Then some of the things send my thoughts on bunny trails eg:

“… the second [living creature] was like an ox…” > ummmm of all things to put in a beautiful throne room, why an ox?? Well, I guess it only looks like an ox… but still. An ox? Well, I guess if You made it it must be beautiful… < on a side note, I google imaged ‘ox’ and they aren’t actually that bad… but still… an ox!? Buuut if the beautiful God thought an ox (ox-looking seraphim, actually) wouldn’t disrupt and would instead contribute to the beauty of His throne room, who am I to disagree??

“Each of the four living creatures had six wings…” > ok, so does that mean that the one like a flying eagle has eight wings? No, it can’t mean that, otherwise it would’ve said so. So maybe it has two wings of it’s own and then four wings so it would equal the six wings the other typically non-winged living creatures have < yep, this is how my mind thinks… craziness galore inside my head buuut then I am like… ok, this thought is a bit meaningless… so I drop it and move on… put it on my “find out when I get there” list…

I am realising that there are gaping holes in my knowledge. For example, a friend was like “ok, you’re studying Revelation 4… what does it mean by the seven spirits?” and I’m like “ummm…” I guess it’s stuff I’ve heard explained in teachings etc. but I didn’t get it or wasn’t paying attention… it’s good though, I’m finding out how much I don’t know and it makes me want to know. It’s kind of weird… I am so aware as I read that there is SO much more in there that what I’m getting out of it… so I’m hungry for the ‘more’ and I trust Him when He says that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him (Hebrews 11:6).

 The teaching at church today was the second installment in a series on the beauty of God. I’m loving it

 Today at church my pastor challenged/encouraged our community to read/meditate on Revelation 4 three times a day for the next 30 days. I am excited and will most likely share my thoughts on it over the next 30 days up here…

That is all

Updates:

Day #2, day #3, day #8 (at the end of the post…) and day #12