I am so in awe of God… this One who is love (1 John 4:8)… and loves me. The One who has searched me and knows me (Psalm 139:1)… who sees all the darkness and the unsettled issues… and yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). The One who knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11), the One who is leading me in paths of righteousness (Psalm 23:3), the One who allures me into the wilderness and speaks tenderly to me (Hosea 2:14)… that I would come up leaning upon Him (Song of Songs 8:5). The One whose great pleasure it was to create me (Revelation 5:11), fully knowing how many times I would choose disobedience and run after all those other things instead of into Him… and in spite of that loving me. Loving me even when I was His enemy (Romans 5:10). Loving me first… knowing that when I began to see His pursuit of me and begin to glimpse His love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19) I would love Him in return. I love Him because He first loved me (1 John 4:19).

This is why I was created: to love the Lord with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30). It’s more than a commandment, it’s my life vision… and what He is fully able and more willing than I can comprehend to bring into reality. Because it’s not about me gritting my teeth and making myself love Him more… it’s Him who is love showing me what love is, showing me the love He has for me and so awakening my heart to love Him still more and more. Him captivating my heart by opening my eyes to see still more of His beauty. He is the One who crowns me with love and compassion (Psalm 103:4)… the One who takes my ashes and gives me beauty (Isaiah 61:3). I don’t deserve it and I certainly could never earn it… and yet His love has been lavished upon me (1 John 3:1). He delights in showing mercy (Micah 7:18)… and delights in me.

What a beautiful God. I love Him … I love Him as best I can… in my weak-but-true way which somehow overwhelms His heart (Song of Songs 4:9)… *happy sigh*

Soooo… obedience. The Lord likes it (1 Samuel 15:22). He is the Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… that fact alone commands it. I like the idea of it, especially the idea of me living it 100%… but I often don’t like the fact that it can be hurty. And so I am so often so quick to choose disobedience because it doesn’t hurt (at the time anyway)… but, well, God is pretty good at ska-weeeeezing my little heart (aka. conviction)… or removing His presence beyond my ability to feel it (Song of Songs 3:1)… which also hurts my little heart… until I’m like “ow ow I’m sorry!!” and come running back and into His unending mercy (Revelation 4:3)… into the fact that because He loves me Jesus became the atoning sacrifice for my sins (1 John 4:10)… and then get caught up in the wonder that through no achievement or righteousness of my own I have been given right-standing before God (Romans 5:17). Be amazed that this God who knows me completely (Psalm 139:1)… sees the darkness yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Try to comprehend the love that caused Jesus to be pierced for my transgressions… crushed for my iniquities (Isaiah 53:5)… this love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19)…

In the face of this love… this grace that has been given to me… whyyyy would I want to disobey? To grieve the One who loves me so much and delights in me??

And yet I do…

But I am getting better. Going from strength to strength (Psalm 84:7)… even though I still am so weak… for He gives strength to those who have none (Isaiah 40:29). He is so kind. So merciful… delighting in showing mercy (Micah 7:18)… delighting in me… delighting in showing me mercy. Yes, I stumble… but He gives me strength to get up and keep plugging away (Job 4:4)… knowing that the stumbles don’t intimidate or overwhelm Him… yet somehow my little weak love overwhelms His heart (Song of Songs 4:9). Knowing that when I choose to get up again, to trust in His love, to set my heart on a pilgrimage (Psalm 84:5), to forget the other lovers and run after Him (Hosea 2:7)… it matters to Him. And I don’t have to cautiously come back… face a God who is frosty and distant because I ’surprised’ Him or ‘ruined all His plans’ by messing up again… no, I come boldly before a throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16)… and am met by Him running out to meet me as I come back (Luke 15:20)… and my mistakes and stumbles could never be so big as to cancel out His Sovereignity.

Now, I am certainly not saying that I have no need to try to obey completely… the Bible is clear that we are to make every effort to be holy (Hebrews 12:14), that He desires our obedience (1 Samuel 15:22), that there are definitely rewards for obedience (Psalm 149:19, Psalm 84:11… among LOTS of others…)… but until I get there… while I am still stumbling away… His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

He loves me, yes yes He does!!  *dancedancedance* … and so I love Him (1 John 4:19)… how could I not love the One who loves me so much??

And He loves you… and He loves everybody (John 3:16)… that is exciting!!

… also terrifying, when you consider His jealousy.

This morning at work my manager was asking all us employees if we were doing anything exciting tonight. I shook my head along with most of the others… but inwardly was like “ooooh, I have prayer tonight!! Sa-weeeet!!”

Then she asked me again later… the same question… “Are you doing anything exciting tonight?” and I go, “No, just going to prayer…”

And she walked off and I’m left thinking… no, actually, these prayer meetings are the highlights of my week!! I sit there at uni or stand there at work and am hanging out for when I can LEAVE work or uni and get to prayer. YES, prayer is exciting!! (Weeeell, ok, it can also feel dry too… but when I step back and remember what prayer actually is… oh, it is exciting ) I get to talk to the Lord God Almighty, knowing that He hears my little voice (2 Samuel 22:7) and what I have to say matters to Him… because I matter to Him (1 Peter 5:7)… more than that, I am loved knowledge-surpassingly (Ephesians 3:19)!! I am going to go spend time sitting in a room singing and talking to the One who loves me… and I am EXCITED!! I am going to spend my Friday night partnering with God in what He’s doing on the earth… talking to Him and learning what is on His heart and standing in agreement those things… His good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2)… I am going to spend my night asking Him to do what is on His heart to do. I get to sit at the feet of God and listen to what He has to say (Luke 10:39)… and I am EXCITED about it!! I get to do that which I love to do… to gaze upon His beauty, seek His face and just enjoy being in His presence (Psalm 27:4). And I am excited about it

All that was on my heart… yet I didn’t sound too excited at all when I answered her. Why?? Fear of man. I was scared of her thinking less of me because I get excited about prayer… buuut I thought about it some more and was like… “yeh, well… sooo what??” Oh, that I would have the fear of the Lord… not the fear of man (Matthew 10:28). The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man (or manager….) do to me?? (Psalm 118:6)

Oh, I want to know His love still more and more… His perfect love that casts out fear (1 John 4:18)…

Soooo… next time she asks me if I’m doing anything exciting on Friday night… my answer will be a simple, “Yeh, I am… I’m going to prayer.”

Here is a verse that does my head in:

“Jesus replied, ‘Friend, do what you came for.’” Matthew 26:50

This is the context… the man Jesus is calling ‘friend’ is none other than Judas Iscariot, who has just betrayed Him with a kiss. Jesus has been betrayed unto a slow and painful death on the cross… and yet still calls him ‘friend’. ARGH!! My little head can’t get around that. Proverbs 17:17 says that a friend loves at all times… Jesus loved Judas and called him a friend… even though this is the man who had just betrayed Him. What love is this??

And He calls us His friends… He chose us to be His friends (John 15:15-16). He has chosen us to be those who love Him at all times (Proverbs 17:17). He has chosen us to be those fully obedient to His will (John 15:14). Even though we chose disobedience in the garden (Genesis 3). Even though our hearts are inclined to love darkness (John 3:19). He has called us friends… calling us up and out of our love of darkness and disobedience and into wholehearted love and obedience. He called us out of darkness and into the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus (2 Corinthians 4:6). He delivered us because He delighted in us (Psalm 18:19)… even when we found no delight in Him. When we were His enemies He died for us (Romans 5:10)… because He loved us. Truly, there is NO greater love than this (John 15:13). And He says to us: you shall love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30). A commandment… a prophecy… the vision statement of my life

A third of the angels in heaven rebelled (Revelation 4:12) and He banished them (Revelation 12:8). No second chances. Yet all of mankind chose to rebel… and He refused to sit back and let us go. He so loved us that He sent His Son to the cross as an atoning sacrifice for our sins, that we might return to Him and be with Him forever (John 3:16). This is love (1 John 4:10)… and it is for us (Song of Songs 7:10). He has pursued us… He is so determined to love.

You can see it in His faithfulness to Israel. Even after all of her harlotry… the Lord Almighty will be her Husband (Isaiah 54:5). He is fully committed to redeeming her (Isaiah 63:9) and establishing her in righteousness (Isaiah 62:1). He is undeterred by her lack of love towards Him but keeps on loving faithfully… knowing that one day she will return and she will be glorious (Isaiah 62:2)… but only because of His love. Not because of anything she ‘earned’. But simply because He loves her.

I am so glad that God is exactly the way He is!! I LOVE that God is love (1 John 4:8)!! Love that is knowledge surpassing (Ephesians 3:19), an all-consuming (Deuteronomy 4:24) and unquenchable fire (Song of Songs 8:7)… all that directed towards me… and you… and everybody… longing for us to turn to Him… and love in return.

And yet so many don’t. And won’t. And yet somehow… He chose me to one who would love Him (Romans 8:28-29). I am so unworthy of His love… yet it remains for me… He considers me worthy of love… how could I not love the One who loves me so incomprehensibly much?? The One who knows my darkness more than I do… and yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). He sees rightly… and calls me lovely. Calling things that are not as though they were (Romans 4:17). Calling them into being… this One who spoke creation (Genesis 1). He calls me lovely… and so I am (in part…)… and so I will be.

Woooow… reading through again, this is full of bunny trails… Jesus’ love for Judas, Christians, mankind in general, Israel, me, you, everybody, back to me… my heart was overflowin’ with a good theme for sure… LOVE

Tonight after prayer (Wednesday night worship with the Word yaaaay!!) I was out in an icecream shop (I really like icecream :D as well as donuts. Once in Japan I had an donut with icecream in it. Oh, happy day!!). I was just a couple of minutes down the road from the prayer room, in the middle of the city we pray for so often… and a fight broke out (not in the icecream shop… but nearby). And my first thought was “oh, Jesus come back…”

When Jesus comes back He will establish His righteous government on the earth (Psalm 89:14) and bring an end to wickedness (Daniel 9:24)… no more brawls!! So when I pray for Him to come back I am asking for this. But before He comes back wickedness will increase (Matthew 24:12). And it’s not going to be like tonight in the icecream shop. I am not going to be safe because I don’t want to fight. Christians will be persecuted and put to death, and hated by all nations (Matthew 24:9). Yes, martyrdom does happen right now… but not at a global scale. Today in the country I live in, Christianity does not attract the death penalty. Me and my friend were praying in the icecream shop and nobody dragged us off to prison.

All that to say… things are going to get worse before they get better. So when I ask for Him to come back I am ushering in the full package… the increase in wickedness… but then His return. In His perfect wisdom, that is the way He wanted it… who am I to think I know better??

It will be glorious. The church is going to come out the other side clothed in righteousness (Revelation 19:8). A pure and spotless Bride… for the pure and spotless Lamb. With hearts burning with unquenchable love (Song of Songs 8:7). A people who will come out declaring “Hallelujah! Salvation and glory and power belong to our God, for true and just are His judgements” (Revelation 19:1-2). A bride coming up from the wilderness leaning upon her Beloved (Song of Songs 8:5).

It will be the darkest hour the world has ever seen… followed by an eternity of God dwelling with man (Revelation 21:3). Hallelujah!!

Soooo, in a nutshell… people fight, I pray for Jesus to come back, fighting and all other wickedness will increase (Matthew 24:12), the world will go nuts and try to fight God (Psalm 2:2)… and then Jesus will come back

All that in mind, my prayer remains the same… “oh, Jesus come back…”

… but I am feelin’ the need to be rooted and grounded in His love (Ephesians 3:17) so that as He shakes everything (Haggai 2:6-7) I will not fall away… my love will not grow cold (Matthew 24:12)… but that I would be found with the rest of the Bride: pure and spotless, with a heart burning with unquenchable love, declaring the praise of my just and true God, leaning upon my Beloved.

Loving other people… I can be pretty sucky at it.

In a way, I guess I find loving God ‘easier’… because I know that no matter what He loves me… just as I am… to love other people involves me opening up and letting them love me… means letting them see the darkness which I try to hide. And I still need to grow in revelation of the ‘dark yet lovely’ (Song of Songs 1:5) principle… but to some extent I ‘get’ it… enough to ‘expect’ it from God. But I honestly find it harder with people… it’s like I don’t trust them to find me lovely when faced with my darkness. And that hinders my heart from loving them… because I’m too scared to let them love me.

I think about this a lot… who am I to not love those God loves? Those He died for (John 3:16)… and I don’t show them love. And He has so loved me… oh that that revelation would cause love to abound in and overflow from my heart. And He commands me to love others (Luke 10:27). It’s right up there behind loving Him.

And it’s not just loving people who I expect to return my love… He calls me to loving my enemies (Matthew 5:44). Trying to love like He does… faithfully, even when met with unfaithfulness. Like Hosea and Gomer… like God and Israel… like God and me. This is how He loves… and I want to be like that. I want to do more than simply ‘accept and appreciate’ His love… I want to live it… to have it fill my heart and overflow into loving Him… and loving others.

Even if it ‘costs’ me (what love doesn’t??)… even if it would be ‘unreturned’… would being like Him, obeying Him, knowing He sees and knowing that even my weak efforts move His heart (Song of Songs 4:9) be reward enough. Would I find delight in the fact that I am loving… or at least trying to…

Would my love not be conditional… only offered if it’s going to be responded to with equal or greater love… that’s not how He loves, and I want to love as He does… for His love is perfect. And I want to be filled with confidence in His love. For knowing He loves me gives me strength to love others. Knowing that He loves them helps too Knowing that the love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19) is ever for me… the only love that will ever fully satisfy is already towards me… gives me strength to ‘risk’ not being loved in return.

Also, I want to be loved by others … but I am always waiting for the other person to be vulnerable so I can love the other person in their weakness… but they are waiting as well. So nothing happens. Argh.

And it’s not always as seemingly heroic as responding with love when being confronted with someone else’s weakness. What about being constant… always, always responding with love. No matter the circumstance. Big, small, if they’re your best friend, if they’re your enemy… always loving.

Wooow I am getting sleepy and rambly now… sooo goodnight

This Wednesday night we are worship with the word-ing John 15:13-17… and so I was studying for it tonight (I still am, but am taking a break to blog…) and so I biblegatewayed “great love” and, well, the Bible verses that came up made me feel excited :D so I am sharing them here…

• “… the greatness of Your steadfast love…” Numbers 14:19
• “You have shown great and steadfast love…” 1 Kings 3:6
• “He is good; His love… endures forever.” Ezra 3:11
• “Show the wonder of Your great love, You who save by Your right hand those who take refuge in You from their foes.” Psalm 17:7
• “… Your great mercy and love… they are from of old.” Psalm 25:6
• “… great is Your love, reaching to the heavens…” Psalm 57:10
• “… great is Your love, higher than the heavens…” Psalm 108:4
• “… great is Your love toward me; You have delivered me from the depths of the grave.” Psalm 86:13
• “I will sing of the Lord’s great love forever…” Psalm 89:1
• “… as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him…” Psalm 103:11
• “Whoever is wise, let him heed these things and consider the great love of the Lord.” Psalm 107:43
• “… great is His love toward us…” Psalm 117:2
• “… His love endures forever.” Psalm 136:4
• “… in love You have delivered my life from the pit of destruction…” Isaiah 38:17
• “I will recount the steadfast love of the Lord… the abundance of His steadfast love.” Isaiah 63:7
• “… so great is His unfailing love.” Lamentations 3:32
• “… because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions…” Ephesians 2:4-5
• “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us…” 1 John 3:1

 … truly, there is NO greater love than this (John 15:13)

 I get a funny feeling reading them… I feel moved by them… and yet I know they should move me so much more than they do… so I am going to stop blogging and keep studying and meditating on them … cuz that’s something I really want in my blogging… I don’t want my blog to be my meditation time, I want it to be the overflow of what I learn in the times where it’s just me and God.

… oh but before I go, one more quick thought… read Psalm 107:43 again… meditating on His love is wisdom!! … that makes me excited

I helped out with the kids ministry today… and I was discussing Hebrews 13:6 with two of the kids…

“So we say with confidence, ’The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’“

And part of our discussion went roughly as followed:

Me: “… so we can pray to God all the time and ask Him to help us and He will.”

Boy: “That’s not true.”

Me: “Why do you think that?”

Boy: “Because I’ve asked Him to help me before and He didn’t do anything.”

And ohhh that was heartwrenching… my heart went out to the little guy… he was so sincere about it and I was like “ohhhh…” on the inside (by the way, I did keep talking to and encouraging him and imparted some truth [yay for the Bible :D]) Buuuuut… I again realised how often I am so quick to doubt or get offended when it doesn’t feel like God helps me the way I want Him to. Argh working with little kids brings up your own heart issues, that’s for sure!!

I am grieved that I get offended at God… I cry out for Him to help me… and He does (*starts singing* Jesus loves-and-helps me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so…). Buuut I get offended and hurt and confused if He doesn’t help me in the way that I, in my weak understanding, think I should be helped… and yet He remains faithful and loves me no less… I am so in awe of His love!! Unfailing (Psalm 6:4), unchanging (Malachi 3:6), knowledge-surpassing (Ephesians 3:19)… everything I long for is found in Him. Argh it seems so clear now but my heart is sooo quick to forget. Oh, how I want to love Him like He loves me…

Ugh and I go on and on about how I feel misunderstood… when God is the most misunderstood out of anyone. Jesus, the One who laid aside His glory and came to earth as creation (Philippians 2:6-7)… all for the sake of love… was despised and rejected (Isaiah 53:3)… sentenced to a slow, painful and humiliating death by the very ones He loved enough to die for… truly there is NO greater love than this (John 15:13). Truly this IS love (1 John 4:10). He was misunderstood, even to the point of being despised enough to be killed… He was misunderstood then and He’s misunderstood now… even by people who love Him… like me … but He doesn’t say to us “you know what?? Forget you guys, you can all just go to hell…” He continues to love… and continues to show mercy… His kindness leading us to repentance (Romans 2:4).

I stand in awe of this love…

“… while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son…” Romans 5:10

“We love Him because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:10

I want to see God rightly. I want to know His love and have it made manifest in me… abounding in and overflowing from my heart. This is what I want out of my life… to know Him and His love (they are inseparable… He IS love [1 John 4:8]) and to make it known… God help me.

… and you know what?? He will

… he’s no longer missing seeee, this prayer thing works (haha if you have no idea what I’m talking about, check out this previous post…)

Ooooh that thought sends me off on a bunny trail…

I help out with my church’s kids ministry, and this week we were teaching them about prayer… especially the fact that God hears and moves at their prayers. And I was so struck by the fact that I was like “Helen!! You need to believe this too!!” as I was talking about prayer with the kids. It’s so easy to tell kids “God hears you always (Psalm 4:3) and you can talk to Him about anything (Ephesians 6:1 and He cares (1 Peter 5:7) and He loves to hear your voice (Song of Songs 2:14)…” and they happily believe it… yet you have to wrestle on the inside with “well, do I actually believe this??” (well, this might not be your experience, but it is mine…)

Oh, that I would take Him at His word… that I would truly consider His Word the truth (Psalm 119:160), not the way I see things… my understanding is so weak. I want to lean not on my own understanding and put my trust fully in the Lord (Proverbs 3:5).

Working in the kids ministry has been such a great growing experience for me… I am one of those people who learns best by explaining stuff to others (hehe no wonder I like blogging about God….), and so answering questions like “what is salvation??” helps ME learn too oh and it’s humbling… I’ve been assigned the job of ‘dance leader’… basically means I get to come up with and lead the actions during worship… I can be all ballet/floaty/twirly/etc just fine, and I go to my ‘happy place’ of sorts where it’s just me and the Lord and little or no self-consciousness… but leading a room of kids (and other leaders!!) in occasionally cheesy actions brings up the heart issues!! Priiiiiide… argh I want it to go awaaaaay… oh Jesus… You who humbled Yourself and came as a man (Philippians 2:8)… You who show me Your humility by the fact You even hear my prayers, let alone answer them… please help me be humble…

Yep, I bunny trailed my way through at least three topics there… hope you enjoyed

Hello world, and happy Valentines Day

Anyone who knows me or frequents my blog has probably figured out by now that I use the Bridal Paradigm (as well as all other concepts in the Bible) to help me grow in understanding of God’s love… but that most definitely does not mean that this Valentines Day I am all “Happy Valentines Day Jesus :D:D” and planning on a ‘dreamy date night’.

Now… from what I’ve observed, the Bridal Paradigm (the BP from here on out…) is a touchy topic, especially on internet discussions!! So I am wary of bringing it up here… especially because I sometimes don’t explain stuff very clearly… but here goes…

I use the BP to help me comprehend God’s love for me… but that doesn’t mean I consider Jesus my ‘Hollywood boyfriend’. Yeh, I believe in the BP… as well as everything else in the Bible (yep, the BP is set out scripturally… for a list of some references check out this blog). I don’t consider all other Biblical teaching null and void in comparison. All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16). Scripture does not contradict Scripture, nor is one part more true than another.

This Valentines Day, I found myself pondering the love of Christ (but I like to do so any and every day). Not because I think I have a ’spiritual boyfriend’ in Jesus… but because I am in awe of the fact that He loves me, with a pure and holy love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19)… the love that sent Him to the cross, even when I didn’t love Him (1 John 4:10, 19)… and I want to know as much as I can of this love. The BP is a Scripturally set out way of helping me to comprehend His love more… and knowing His love awakens my heart to love Him more (Mark 12:30).

So bring on the BP … as well as the rest of the Bible