So back in the day… God created Adam and put him in the garden. What was Adam’s job? To tend the garden (Genesis 2:15). And that’s still our job. Not as in we have to go to the Middle East and start growing a physical leafy garden again… the garden we are in charge of tending is our heart.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23). We have been entrusted with that which is so precious to God… our heart. It was created to love the One who is love (1 John 4:8). Even in all our weakness and immaturity… our little dark hearts are so lovely to Him (Song of Songs 1:5)… and He has put them in our care… knowing that we won’t always do a good job… to quote the Shulammite: “… my own vineyard have I neglected.” (Song of Songs 1:6)

But He is so faithful to help us. For surely we are the work of His hands for the display of His splendor (Isaiah 60:21). And He who has begun a good work will complete it (Philippians 1:6). He is the One who looks with compassion on all our ruins and makes our deserts like Eden and our wastelands a garden (Isaiah 51:3). We can’t just grit our teeth and bring forth righteousness and mature love etcetc… that’s what He will do… if only we let Him. When we choose to pursue 100% obedience and follow where He leads. When we spend time fellowshipping with God, the Holy Spirit that dwells within us… the fruit of that will be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). I need a whooole lot more of ALL of those. I need some fruit trees in my garden

Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards… (Song of Songs 1:15). The foxes speak of little compromises… those little things that God is pressing His finger on… little, yes, but are still not in alignment with Him… ruining the garden. As dead flies give perfume a bad smell, so a little folly outweighs wisdom and honour (Ecclesiastes 10:1). Part of tending the garden is to get rid of those little weeds… “… let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles…” Hebrews 12:1

Argh. Looking at my own heart I’m thinkin’ I need less foxes and more fruit

I want a beautiful fragrance to arise from my garden… a heart overflowing with praise and love… He is worthy of nothing less.

Soooo… obedience. The Lord likes it (1 Samuel 15:22). He is the Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… that fact alone commands it. I like the idea of it, especially the idea of me living it 100%… but I often don’t like the fact that it can be hurty. And so I am so often so quick to choose disobedience because it doesn’t hurt (at the time anyway)… but, well, God is pretty good at ska-weeeeezing my little heart (aka. conviction)… or removing His presence beyond my ability to feel it (Song of Songs 3:1)… which also hurts my little heart… until I’m like “ow ow I’m sorry!!” and come running back and into His unending mercy (Revelation 4:3)… into the fact that because He loves me Jesus became the atoning sacrifice for my sins (1 John 4:10)… and then get caught up in the wonder that through no achievement or righteousness of my own I have been given right-standing before God (Romans 5:17). Be amazed that this God who knows me completely (Psalm 139:1)… sees the darkness yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Try to comprehend the love that caused Jesus to be pierced for my transgressions… crushed for my iniquities (Isaiah 53:5)… this love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19)…

In the face of this love… this grace that has been given to me… whyyyy would I want to disobey? To grieve the One who loves me so much and delights in me??

And yet I do…

But I am getting better. Going from strength to strength (Psalm 84:7)… even though I still am so weak… for He gives strength to those who have none (Isaiah 40:29). He is so kind. So merciful… delighting in showing mercy (Micah 7:18)… delighting in me… delighting in showing me mercy. Yes, I stumble… but He gives me strength to get up and keep plugging away (Job 4:4)… knowing that the stumbles don’t intimidate or overwhelm Him… yet somehow my little weak love overwhelms His heart (Song of Songs 4:9). Knowing that when I choose to get up again, to trust in His love, to set my heart on a pilgrimage (Psalm 84:5), to forget the other lovers and run after Him (Hosea 2:7)… it matters to Him. And I don’t have to cautiously come back… face a God who is frosty and distant because I ’surprised’ Him or ‘ruined all His plans’ by messing up again… no, I come boldly before a throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16)… and am met by Him running out to meet me as I come back (Luke 15:20)… and my mistakes and stumbles could never be so big as to cancel out His Sovereignity.

Now, I am certainly not saying that I have no need to try to obey completely… the Bible is clear that we are to make every effort to be holy (Hebrews 12:14), that He desires our obedience (1 Samuel 15:22), that there are definitely rewards for obedience (Psalm 149:19, Psalm 84:11… among LOTS of others…)… but until I get there… while I am still stumbling away… His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

He loves me, yes yes He does!!  *dancedancedance* … and so I love Him (1 John 4:19)… how could I not love the One who loves me so much??

And He loves you… and He loves everybody (John 3:16)… that is exciting!!

… also terrifying, when you consider His jealousy.

This verse belongs on the list of verses that do my head in:

“You number my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle; are they not in Your book?” Psalm 56:8

I was never big on crying… until I went to IHOP. Ohhh dear. Yep, I became a crier. No longer pushing emotions down and out of my mind… but allowed myself to feel. Fear, tenderness, frustration, repentance, joy etcetc… it all made me a bit teary. Still does… but to a lesser extent… and I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Whether it shows I have matured or my heart has gotten harder.

Buuut enough about me, I am here to blog about the verse…

Sooo… I like that. That God treasures my tears. That in all my distress He too is distressed (Isaiah 63:9). That even though He is so much bigger than all my problems that seem so overwhelming to my little heart… He is upset that I am upset… because He loves me. He cares about me… and so beckons me to cast all my cares upon Him (1 Peter 5:7). It is incredible enough that He even sees my tears and hears my cries (2 Kings 20:5)… but He even stores my tears and records my laments.

When it came to this verse I used to be… and, well, sometimes still can be… part of the “Bible-but Club” (yep, Stuart Greaves has a way with words…). For example I would think that “… the Bible says God stores my tears but… obviously it’s only when I’m crying about the ‘right’ things eg. feelin’ all tender towards Him, getting fresh revelation of His mercy etctec…” and somehow thought that when I was crying about things like me not understanding and being unable to see past something that was making my little heart feel overwhelmed He was disappointed in me for not understanding and so somehow my tears didn’t ‘count’ before Him… that those ones didn’t make it into God’s bottle. Believing that when I don’t “have it all together” my cries mean nothing to Him. Twisting the truth that His ears are attentive to the cry of the righteous (Psalm 34:15) to not include me… despite the fact that through Christ Jesus I now have the gift of righteousness before Him (Romans 5:17). Telling myself that He knows me better than I do (Psalm 139:1), and I am feelin’ pretty overwhelmed by all the darkness in my heart… so obviously He is mad at me too… forgetting that yet He sees the darkness… but He also sees the weak but true desire to fully love and obey Him… and so calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Forgetting that even when I was His enemy He loved me enough to die for me (Romans 5:10). Forgetting that any righteousness I work up in my own strength is still as filthy rags to Him (Isaiah 64:6), the Holy Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… forgetting that I could never ‘earn’ His love. I could never come before Him confident in my own righteousness… but I can boldy come before Him (Hebrews 4:16) because of His great mercy and His righteousness (Daniel 9:18)… the righteousness He has given me.

I need revelation of just how much he loves me… just how tender He is towards me even in my weakness… for my heart to truly believe all the time that my sin, weaknesses and all the little unsettled issues don’t overwhelm Him… yet one little weak glance ravishes His heart (Song of Songs 4:9)… and every little tear is seen… and treasured.

I was plunkin’ away at the keys the other day… I was just meandering my way around the Bible… singing things that caught my eye, cross referencing, exploring the what these verses mean, playing around with chord progressions… lingering at the keys as time slipped away… because He loves me and loves to hear my voice (Song of Songs 2:14)… and oh, how I love to sing my heart out to Him

And in amongst all of that, this verse caught my eye…

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone…” Psalm 62:5

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone. For in His presence is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11). Why spend life running around, trying to find happiness in anything and everything apart from God… when in the presence of the omnipresent God (Psalm 139:7) who dwells within me (1 Corinthians 6:19) and whom I can come boldly before (Hebrews 4:16) is pleasure forevermore. He has given me the gift of righteousness (Romans 5:17)… the gift of right standing before Him. I don’t have to try and earn His love… I don’t have to strive to be found worthy of love. For when I was His enemy He loved me enough to send His Son as an atoning sacrifice for my sins (Romans 5:10, 1 John 4:10)… and His love remains unchanged. Find rest, O my soul, in the One who knows me better than I do, yet still loves me. Sees all my darkness, and declares that I am lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Calling things that are not as though they were (Romans 4:17)… calling them out and into existence. The same voice that spoke creation (Genesis 1)… calls me lovely. And so I am. And so I will be.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone. The One my soul longs for (Psalm 63:1). The One who created me to long for Him. The One who will give me desires of my heart when I delight myself in the One whom I desire above all else (Psalm 37:4). The One I desire to seek and gaze upon all the days of my life (Psalm 27:4). The One who is holy (too many references to name just one…), the One who stands alone, transcending all others (Song of Songs 2:3)… in this One alone may I find complete rest.

I want to feel my need for God… and take it and run not to another but into Him. I want to be my heart to be aching with hunger for God… and not being satisfied with anything less. For only He can satisfy. And He will still the hunger of those He cherishes (Psalm 17:14)… stilling my hunger for Him with Himself… and yet leave me so much hungrier than I was… only to be satisfied again… and on and on and on… ever drawing me deeper. Surely, He will take me to Himself (Psalm 49:15). Though many a man claims to have unfailing love (Proverbs 20:6)… only in Him will I find perfect, unfailing, everlasting love. That which He has so graciously lavished upon me (1 John 3:1). Oh, that I would not become complacent… lulled into a false sense of security (Amos 6:1)… content with other lovers… why run after other lovers (Hosea 2:7) when I am relentlessly pursued by the One who is love (1 John 4:8)??

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone…

I helped out with the kids ministry today… and I was discussing Hebrews 13:6 with two of the kids…

“So we say with confidence, ’The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’“

And part of our discussion went roughly as followed:

Me: “… so we can pray to God all the time and ask Him to help us and He will.”

Boy: “That’s not true.”

Me: “Why do you think that?”

Boy: “Because I’ve asked Him to help me before and He didn’t do anything.”

And ohhh that was heartwrenching… my heart went out to the little guy… he was so sincere about it and I was like “ohhhh…” on the inside (by the way, I did keep talking to and encouraging him and imparted some truth [yay for the Bible :D]) Buuuuut… I again realised how often I am so quick to doubt or get offended when it doesn’t feel like God helps me the way I want Him to. Argh working with little kids brings up your own heart issues, that’s for sure!!

I am grieved that I get offended at God… I cry out for Him to help me… and He does (*starts singing* Jesus loves-and-helps me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so…). Buuut I get offended and hurt and confused if He doesn’t help me in the way that I, in my weak understanding, think I should be helped… and yet He remains faithful and loves me no less… I am so in awe of His love!! Unfailing (Psalm 6:4), unchanging (Malachi 3:6), knowledge-surpassing (Ephesians 3:19)… everything I long for is found in Him. Argh it seems so clear now but my heart is sooo quick to forget. Oh, how I want to love Him like He loves me…

Ugh and I go on and on about how I feel misunderstood… when God is the most misunderstood out of anyone. Jesus, the One who laid aside His glory and came to earth as creation (Philippians 2:6-7)… all for the sake of love… was despised and rejected (Isaiah 53:3)… sentenced to a slow, painful and humiliating death by the very ones He loved enough to die for… truly there is NO greater love than this (John 15:13). Truly this IS love (1 John 4:10). He was misunderstood, even to the point of being despised enough to be killed… He was misunderstood then and He’s misunderstood now… even by people who love Him… like me … but He doesn’t say to us “you know what?? Forget you guys, you can all just go to hell…” He continues to love… and continues to show mercy… His kindness leading us to repentance (Romans 2:4).

I stand in awe of this love…

“… while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son…” Romans 5:10

“We love Him because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:10

I want to see God rightly. I want to know His love and have it made manifest in me… abounding in and overflowing from my heart. This is what I want out of my life… to know Him and His love (they are inseparable… He IS love [1 John 4:8]) and to make it known… God help me.

… and you know what?? He will

I have been pondering comfort lately. I remember Stuart Greaves saying something along the lines of “what comforts you is what you use to comfort others.” That has stuck with me. Because I want to be someone who directs hearts into the love of God (2 Thessalonians 3:5)… but I am aware that if I am not running into His love and getting experiencial knowledge of the comfort His love alone brings, I won’t be so quick to tell others to run into His love… because I won’t really believe that it helps. Or I’ll be calling people into something I myself am not living. Now, I don’t ‘have it all together’, but I at least want to be trying to do something and bringing others along for the ride instead of “you need to do ‘this, this and this…’” but not actually be doing/trying to do it myself.

So I have been observing myself lately… watching what I run to when I’m needing comfort. Some stuff definitely has to change… food and sleep are the two I have in mind!! There has been some progress though. Back in the ‘dark days’ (hmm… I don’t think I’ve ever shared my testimony on this blog… I should…) I used to listen to depressing music when I was depressed… thinking it would make me feel ‘better’. Surprise surprise… it didn’t. Buut I don’t do that anymore More and more I am starting to go to the Word and feed myself on truth… gaining perspective on the way things really are… the way He sees them. Not the way I see them after they are filtered through my emotions and weak understanding.

I refuse to be comforted by lies. An example of this is how back in the ‘dark days’ I used to stop myself crying by saying “Helen, no-one cares.” But I now know that that’s not true. So now if I cry I take comfort in the fact that God sees and hears and cares about the fact that I am feeling sad (Psalm 56:8). I want to be one who finds truth the source of her comfort.

I want my comfort to be found in the Truth Himself, Jesus Christ (John 14:6)… not only for the sake of my heart, but also that I would direct others into Him too… this One who sympathises with us in our weakness (Hebrews 4:15). This One who Himself is well-acquainted with suffering (Isaiah 53:3), beyond anything we have ever personally experienced. I want to run after Him and into His presence… for in His presence is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11).

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians 3-4

Ok, so I am day two into the 30 day challenge… no ‘major’ revelations as of yet, but I remain full of anticipation

I realised that since I am planning on sharing my thoughts throughout the challenge I’d better establish where I’m at now, at the front end…

I guess that when I read it there is a ‘key’ in my head… so when I read it I’m like ‘ok, so this means this…’ eg:

“… a door standing open in heaven…” = open invitation… to what? I have some vague ideas… too vague to share up here

“Come up here…” = God’s invitation for me to come closer… deeper…

“A rainbow, resembling an emerald, encircled the throne…” = unending mercy… reminds me that is the throne of grace that I can come boldly before to receive mercy and help in my time of need (Hebrews 4:16)

Then some of the things send my thoughts on bunny trails eg:

“… the second [living creature] was like an ox…” > ummmm of all things to put in a beautiful throne room, why an ox?? Well, I guess it only looks like an ox… but still. An ox? Well, I guess if You made it it must be beautiful… < on a side note, I google imaged ‘ox’ and they aren’t actually that bad… but still… an ox!? Buuut if the beautiful God thought an ox (ox-looking seraphim, actually) wouldn’t disrupt and would instead contribute to the beauty of His throne room, who am I to disagree??

“Each of the four living creatures had six wings…” > ok, so does that mean that the one like a flying eagle has eight wings? No, it can’t mean that, otherwise it would’ve said so. So maybe it has two wings of it’s own and then four wings so it would equal the six wings the other typically non-winged living creatures have < yep, this is how my mind thinks… craziness galore inside my head buuut then I am like… ok, this thought is a bit meaningless… so I drop it and move on… put it on my “find out when I get there” list…

I am realising that there are gaping holes in my knowledge. For example, a friend was like “ok, you’re studying Revelation 4… what does it mean by the seven spirits?” and I’m like “ummm…” I guess it’s stuff I’ve heard explained in teachings etc. but I didn’t get it or wasn’t paying attention… it’s good though, I’m finding out how much I don’t know and it makes me want to know. It’s kind of weird… I am so aware as I read that there is SO much more in there that what I’m getting out of it… so I’m hungry for the ‘more’ and I trust Him when He says that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him (Hebrews 11:6).

“You are fairer than the sons of men; grace is poured upon Your lips…” Psalm 45:2

One thing I get from reading this verse is that with every word He speaks to me comes the grace to walk it out. That gives me courage to press on when I’m feeling overwhelmed and being all “God… are You sure You know I can do this??” He will not give me more than I can handle… well, maybe more than I myself can handle (2 Corinthians 1:8). But I am not alone. He will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). He is high and lofty… yet is with the lowly (Isaiah 57:15). He has searched me and He knows me (Psalm 139:1)… He knows my limits… He knows that I am but dust (Psalm 103:14)… and so helps me. Oh the humility. He doesn’t need anyone else’s help… and we don’t really have anything to offer in and of ourselves anyway. But He lets us partner with Him in what He’s doing in the world (eg. intercession, evangelism etc.)… and then He also helps us in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16).

He really likes humility. He is humble… the Lord God Almighty, servant of all (Mark 10:45). That challenges me to like being humble… I’m not there yet. But I want to be… because He is. I need grace to choose humility… the very fact that I want to be exalted means that I should choose humility. I want to take Him at His word when He said “… whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” Matthew 23:12

Jesus went ahead of me. He was humble and obedient even unto death (Philippians 2:6-8). He did it… and so I can. He overcame, and so I can (Revelation 3:21). He is, after all, within me… the very hope of my glory (Colossians 1:12). He tells me to take up my cross and follow Him (Matthew 10:38)… He took up His cross first. He tells me to resist temptation… He was tempted in every way and yet was without sin (Hebrews 4:15). He understands completely… and is more than able to help completely… I need to learn to stop trying to lean on my own strength (haha or lack thereof…) and trust in His strength… the grace that is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9).

I delight in red pandas. Giant pandas. Otters. Among many other things… but most of all the God who created all of it.

Delight… it’s delightful

I love that God actually finds delight in things outside of Himself. You think that if you were the transcendent in beauty Lord God Almighty, in the perfect community of the Trinity you’d have no desire to create more things to take delight in. But it was in accordance with His desire that He created (Revelation 4:11). And He liked it (Genesis 1:21). And He delights in us, His creation… enough to even become His creation and die for our sins (Philippians 2:8). For the joy set before Him He endured the cross (Hebrews 12:2)… He desires us… that we would be with Him where He is (John 17:24).

Love is beautiful

I want to know this One who is love (1 John 4:8)… this One whose name is Jealous (Exodus 34:14). I want to know this One who makes all things beautiful (Ecclesiastes 3:11)… this One who gives beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3). I want to see this One who is beautiful and glorious (Isaiah 4:2)… and be transformed. When I see Him I’ll be like Him (1 John 3:2). I want to be like Jesus… I want who I am to make Him known. If people are drawn to me I want them to be pointed to God. I want to display His splendour (Isaiah 60:21).

I want to be beautiful!!

… but not beautiful as defined as superficiality that fades (Isaiah 40:6) or comes off with a quick swipe of *makeup remover (Jeremiah 4:30). Not deceptive charm (Proverbs 31:30), flirty eyes (Isaiah 3:16) and foolish, fake laughter (Ecclesiastes 7:6).

*I am not taking a swipe at makeup and makeup-wearers. What I have a problem with is makeup being relied on for confidence in beauty… in my own life I have found it too easy to run to when I’m feeling insecure…

I want to have unfading beauty (1 Peter 3:4). The beauty of a heart fully confident and mature in love (Song of Songs 8). Most of all I want to be beautiful as in people interact with me and are directed to the beautiful God. I want to be beautiful in that who I am reveals Jesus… the One who is beautiful and glorious. I want to be a reflection of the beautiful, uncreated God.

… it’s a work in progress. But He makes all things beautiful in their time… inwardly He is renewing me day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16). And I don’t want to keep it on the inside (hehe if that’s possible)… I want to overflow. All the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control that He is cultivating in me (Galatians 5:22-23)… I want it to flow unhindered outward. That is beautiful.

I am definitely not there yet. But He is. He is so beautiful… I don’t even know. I just know that there’s so much more than the little I’ve already seen (1 Corinthians 2:9)… and I’m hungry for the ‘more’. And I want to be part of a generation hungry for the knowledge of God… and generation with a divine dissatisfaction… a holy hunger (yay for alliterations!!). A generation captivated by the beauty of the Lord, with hearts set on seeking Him out (Psalm 27:4).

We did another worship with the word tonight… Hebrews 3:1-4 was the section of the night…

Therefore, holy brothers, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom we confess. He was faithful to the one who appointed Him, just as Moses was faithful in all God’s house. Jesus has been found worthy of greater honour than Moses, just as the builder of a house has greater honour than the house itself. For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything.

Lately I’ve really been struck by and have spent some time pondering the faithfulness of God. I take great comfort in the fact that He is unchanging… that His love is ever for me (Song of Songs 7:10), His mercy is still unending (Revelation 4:3) and that the things He said in His Word are still true now and forevermore (Isaiah 40:8). It feels ’safe’ to trust Him… because I know that He is always faithful. No matter how unfaithful I may be… His faithfulness remains and is no less. Who am I to ever think that I am big enough to change who God is.

… and yet my weak-but-true love ravishes His heart (Song of Songs 4:9)… :D

As we were singing tonight I had an “oh wow!!” moment… I was flipping through Isaiah and saw the verse about how Jesus was despised and rejected by men (Isaiah 53:3)… and then it hit me… He was despised and rejected by the very ones He loved so faithfully (Deuteronomy 7:9)… loved them enough to die the death they deserved (Isaiah 53:5)… and at their hands. To die that they could live with Him forever (John 17:24)… truly there is no greater love than this (John 15:13)…

He was rejected… yet He remained faithful… this is the One I love