Ugh. I was sad in my lecture today… listening to speakers go on about lots of things… eg: how the Bible is just a book that people got their beliefs from in the Dark Ages, but in this day and age we know better… how we pride ourselves on being a community that celebrates ‘diverse sexualities’… and I’m thinking thoughts along the lines of…

• “No, I actually believe that all flesh and therefore human ‘wisdom’ is but grass… but the word of the Lord is what stands forever…” (Isaiah 40:6-
• “No, we do not need celebration of diverse sexualities… we need revival!!”
• “I just want to get OUT of this lecture…” etcetc…

I hate feeling powerless. At that moment in time all I can do is sit there and listen… well, I don’t really listen that much. But I sit there and I pray… because it’s all I can do. I pray because I’m powerless… but through my weak but sincere prayers, I can partner with God in what He’s doing in my university and in the whole earth… so I myself am powerless… but I can move the heart of the Lord God Almighty (Song of Songs 4:9)… I cry out and He moves (Psalm 18:6-9)… and so I pray…

Oh I am so grieved for these people… every single person in that lecture theatre was created to know God and love God… but so many don’t and are being taught that that’s the way they should be. And it pains me… they have NO idea of the love He has for them (John 3:16). The love that burns for them… yet will one day eternally burn against them (Deuteronomy 6:15) if they don’t turn to Him… and I get SO FRUSTRATED because I can’t make them love God. I can’t make them realise that He loves them. And I want them to love Him. They were created to love Him… and yet they don’t love Him… and He’s coming to judge the earth (Revelation 6:10)… but as in the days of Noah they’re not ready (Matthew 24:37-39)… He is so jealous for them… and that terrifies me… and so I pray…

Aaargh I’m currently feeling so powerless and voiceless… but I want to be a voice (Isaiah 40:3). I want to make known who God is and what is on His heart… I don’t have anything to offer Him but a willing heart… willing to be used by Him to make Him known. I don’t ‘feel’ like I’m doing that yet… but I am praying.

… I am not enjoying being at university … but despite that… this is where God wants me… ouch. It huuurts but I want to agree with His heart. Who am I to disagree with Him?? This is where He wants me to be… and so I want to be okay with that. I’m currently not… but I want to be… it’s a weak desire, but it’s there… and I know that counts before Him (Song of Songs 2:13). His will is good and pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2)… even if I don’t feel it… but I want to… because I know that the fact that He wants me here is not in contradiction with His love for me. It may not make sense to me, but it’s not His will that needs changing… it’s my heart. God help me…

… and oh, God… save their souls.

I really like the song “I Will Waste My Life” by Misty Edwards. I love to sing it, I love to play it, I love to dance to it, I love to listen to it… it captures something I otherwise just ‘feel’… and puts it to music. But all those times I would sing “I will waste my life…” I envisioned being an Anna (Luke 2:36-37), spending my days (nights!!) in a prayer room seeking His face through prayer, fasting and reading the Word… and then from that place of learning from God who God is, going out and making Him known… and then back into the prayer room again

… but He led me here… to days packed full of university or work and waaay less time in an actual prayer room… a life that is simply BUSY with things that seem so meaningless to me (Ecclesiastes 1:2)… oh, but there definitely are things I love (eg. Wednesday night worship with the word sets… *happy sigh*)… and on top of all those other things filling it up life is full of longing to just be back to ’wasting my life’… spending time sitting in a room, knowing that on the outside I appear to be stayin’ up all night talking the atmosphere and missing the odd Taco Bell run here and there… but on the inside something so much bigger and more beautiful is going on… and who even can comprehend what it does to the heart of the Lord (Song of Songs 4:9)?? And when the heart of the Lord is moved… look out, you powers and principalities (Colossians 2:15)…

I would cry (*sigh* still do on the odd day…) “God… why am I here?? It feels like such a waste of my life…” … but one day I remembered the aforementioned song… and all those times I would sing “I will waste my life…” envisioning a life sitting (and dancing!!) in a prayer room… because it had gotten to the point where that didn’t seem like a ‘waste’ of my life at all… but what I wanted to do with my life more than anything… and my heart just came alive like never before when I had a chance to pray, fast, read the Word and worship through dance and song fulltime… being a successful accountant no longer held any appeal… aaand it still doesn’t, but I am nevertheless still pluggin’ away at the accounting degree…

Wooow bunny trail… ok, back to crying and remembering…

All those times I told Him I would waste my life… envisioning something that wasn’t a waste to me and being excited by the prospect… and then He leads me away from that and into something completely different… something which truly does ‘feel’ like a waste… and three years of it sitting ahead of me… but I am totally aware that the way I feel doesn’t mean that’s how it is… it feels like a waste when I forget… when I forget that He remains fully in control (1 Timothy 6:15), when I forget that He is wiser than I am (Isaiah 40:13), when I forget that He wants my heart (Song of Songs 7:10) even more than I want to give it, when I forget that His will is good, pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2)… oh that I would truly see things the way they are… the way He sees them… not filtered through my emotions and weak understanding…

Lots of emotions rage inside me when I step back and look at it all. When I weigh up my hopes, dreams and desires against reality and God’s will. Oh, that they would all be one and the same… but as of now there are lots of clashing emotions… usually one or two more dominant than others… the turmoil of frustration, weak but true love, momentary peace, painful confusion, crushing despair, glimpses of hope, flashes of offense, weak yet growing trust etcetc (haha ok, this maybe sounds overly dramatic… but I’m trying to express myself better so we’ll see if this ‘works’ or is overkill..)… but oh that it would all be overwhelmed and silenced by love.

I have been known try and start arguments with God… ha… one day I was crying to/trying to argue with Him… and I’m all “… but I was willing to sacrifice so much else and just pray…” and I felt a resounding “obedience is better than sacrifice” (1 Samuel 15:22) and I was like “*pause*… danggit!!” Shut down by God… I cannot win an argument with God… but who am I to even start arguing with God?? I picture it as me the little kid, kicking and screaming when she doesn’t get her way… and Him just holding me close, holding me still… as I calm down and begin to trust Him…

… I am so loved…

All that to say… it doesn’t always ‘feel’ like it but He is drawing me closer and leading me into the plans He has for me… and honestly, I have no idea what they are… and try as I may to fight it, this is where He has me now… I don’t understand it but I guess that’s His job… mine is to trust and obey and love as best I can… God help me…

“… just let me find I’m at Your feet…”

I attended… endured (drama, anyone??)… sat through a class on commercial law today… *sigh* I am still like “God… are You suuuure this is where I’m supposed to be??” Buuut it is. His will is good, pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2)… even if I don’t feel it. Praise the Lord that my little, often fickle feelings can not and will not change who He is (Malachi 3:6). It’s not His will that needs to be changed… it’s my heart. Which huuurts… but I am willing to be changed…

*ahem* back to commercial law…

I was taken aback… and, well, pretty grieved by something the lecturer pointed out today. He said something along the lines of “… this is called a legal system, not a justice system…” and went on to say that therefore the words ‘fair’ and ‘just’ have no place in discussions to be had on the topic… and I was like “… coooome Jesus…”

Praise the Lord that the increase of HIS government will know no end (Isaiah 9:7). Praise the Lord that HE ALONE was found worthy to loose the End Time judgements of God on the earth (Revelation 5:3-5). Praise the Lord that He, Faithful and True, is the One who judges… the One who judges with justice (Revelation 19:11). Praise the Lord that righteousness and justice are the very foundation of His throne (Psalm 89:14). Praise the Lord that HE is the blessed only sovereign, King of kings and Lord of lords (1 Timothy 6:15)…

… and praise the Lord that in His mercy and love He took the punishment I fully deserved (Isaiah 53:5). Truly, there is no greater love than this (John 15:13)…

… oh, how I want Him to come…

“You are fairer than the sons of men; grace is poured upon Your lips…” Psalm 45:2

One thing I get from reading this verse is that with every word He speaks to me comes the grace to walk it out. That gives me courage to press on when I’m feeling overwhelmed and being all “God… are You sure You know I can do this??” He will not give me more than I can handle… well, maybe more than I myself can handle (2 Corinthians 1:8). But I am not alone. He will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). He is high and lofty… yet is with the lowly (Isaiah 57:15). He has searched me and He knows me (Psalm 139:1)… He knows my limits… He knows that I am but dust (Psalm 103:14)… and so helps me. Oh the humility. He doesn’t need anyone else’s help… and we don’t really have anything to offer in and of ourselves anyway. But He lets us partner with Him in what He’s doing in the world (eg. intercession, evangelism etc.)… and then He also helps us in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16).

He really likes humility. He is humble… the Lord God Almighty, servant of all (Mark 10:45). That challenges me to like being humble… I’m not there yet. But I want to be… because He is. I need grace to choose humility… the very fact that I want to be exalted means that I should choose humility. I want to take Him at His word when He said “… whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” Matthew 23:12

Jesus went ahead of me. He was humble and obedient even unto death (Philippians 2:6-8). He did it… and so I can. He overcame, and so I can (Revelation 3:21). He is, after all, within me… the very hope of my glory (Colossians 1:12). He tells me to take up my cross and follow Him (Matthew 10:38)… He took up His cross first. He tells me to resist temptation… He was tempted in every way and yet was without sin (Hebrews 4:15). He understands completely… and is more than able to help completely… I need to learn to stop trying to lean on my own strength (haha or lack thereof…) and trust in His strength… the grace that is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Hehe before I start let me just say… cheesy cheesy cheesy cheesy!!

I wrote this on the train to work today… added finishing touches on the train ride home… mad props to Julie Andrews

To the tune of “My Favorite Things”:

Growing in knowledge of God and His glory

Learning to love Him… it’s now my life’s story

Living to make known the joy that He brings

These are a few of my favourite things

Job and Isaiah and sad Jeremiah

Psalms and the letters to Thessalonica

Song of Songs, Proverbs and all of the rest

Of any book I think BIBLE is best

*dramatic music part*

The Antichrist in the end times; nations getting mad

I simply remember my Sovereign King and then I don’t feel so bad

*back to happy music part*

Jesus of Nazareth, great intercessor

Died on the cross although I’m the transgressor

Desire of nations, rejected, despised

This is the Man to whom my heart does cry

*dramatic music again…*

When the darkness is all I see; when I’m feeling sad

I simply remember my God’s love for me and then I don’t feel so bad

Cheeeeesy but it made the daily commute delightful

I was reading John 11 today… all about when Jesus’ friend Lazarus (also the brother of Mary and Martha) died. So Jesus went to Lazarus’ house and Martha runs up to Him and says “Lord, if You had been here my brother would not have died.” And Jesus answered her and they talk about who He is (great couple of verses… Jesus talking about Himself… God talking about God… love it :D). But then after that… Mary comes and falls at His feet weeping and says exactly the same thing that Martha said. “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” Jesus’ response?

“When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.

    ‘Where have you laid him?’ He asked.

    ‘Come and see, Lord,’ they replied. Jesus wept.” — John 11:33-35

I love that. I love that God is not a far-off ‘force’ who is distant, stoic and unmoved by His people… His heart is moved. In all our distress He too is distressed (Isaiah 63:9). I love that verse. Even though He is so much bigger than all of our little issues that make us upset or make us wonder if we can really trust Him… even though He sees clearly when we’re distressed about how we can’t see the big picture, all we can see is the way we see it… out of context, knowing it’s out of context but knowing nothing more than that… and that He is fully in control. His heart is moved… and He hurts along with us.

He is the God who sees and the God who hears (2 Kings 20:5, Song of Songs 2:14). He sees the tears we cry to Him… He hears every weak “God help” prayer and they matter to Him and His heart is moved. He treasures every tear that falls in a bottle and writes down all our lamenting (Psalm 56:8). When we feel heartbreakingly far away from Him… He is close (Psalm 34:18). When all we can feel is lovesickness but can’t ‘feel’ His love (Song of Songs 5)… truly we are blessed.

He knows exactly what it is like to long for God but not ‘feel’ Him. At the cross God abandoned God… that we could be with Him where He is (John 17:24). Truly, there is no greater love than this (John 15:13). He doesn’t just see and hear our pain… He has felt it. And so we can come boldly before Him in our pain (Hebrews 4:16). When we run into Him when we’re hurting we are not met with “well, if you’d just been faithful to Me all along you wouldn’t be in pain.” We are met with the love of our sympathetic High Priest (Hebrews 4:15). He sees us running after other lovers… and hedges us in so we will return to Him (Hosea 2:5-7)… not so that He can then push us away, but that He can lavish His love upon us (Hosea 2:14), as He so loves to do. Praise the Lord that He is Love (1 John 4:8)… and loves because He loves to love. I love Him

Finally, here are some random, current-post-related thoughts from people I am blessed to know… thoughts I couldn’t figure out where else to put haha!!

• the gift of hunger is the promise of being filled
• if you were Jesus and you saw someone who loved you so much that they were crying because they wanted you to come back, wouldn’t it make you want to come back?

Praise the Lord for friendship… for surrounding me with people who show me the love of Christ by the way they love me… when I’m doing well, when I’m upset, when I’ve hurt them… praise the Lord

Praise the Lord for leaders who truly are shepherds after His heart (Jeremiah 3:15)… who lovingly speak truth… who don’t define leadership as simply delegating, but lead the way in humility. Oh and especially leaders who talk to you using Song of Songs language… eg. “what chapter do you think you’re in right now?” I love it

Praise the Lord for His ability to plant sunflowers everywhere I go

Praise the Lord for helping me to parallel park on a busy street when I’m freaking out about how I don’t remember how to parallel park and am late for worship rehearsal…

Praise the Lord for www.biblegateway.com… makes putting references in my blog posts SO much easier

Praise the Lord for noticing, being moved by (Song of Songs 4:9) and treasuring every tear that falls (Psalm 56:8)…

Praise Him because He is worthy of praise (2 Samuel 22:4, 1 Chronicles 16:25, Psalm 18:3, Revelation 5:12 etc.)

Oh that the world would just get up and dance

… ummmm random thought there…

Praise the Lord for He makes all things new (Revelation 21:5)… and can take even situations that hurt to awaken your heart to love and trust Him more

Praise the Lord for taking a heart so cold, lonely, afraid, full of hate and despair… and loving it into loving Him back

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

Worship the LORD with gladness;
       come before Him with joyful songs.

Know that the LORD is God.
       It is He who made us, and we are His;
       we are His people, the sheep of His pasture.

 Enter His gates with thanksgiving
       and His courts with praise;
       give thanks to Him and praise His name.

 For the LORD is good and His love endures forever; 
       His faithfulness continues through all generations.

– Psalm 100

Yep, as I type this I am currently 1 hour and 11 minutes into 2008. And I’m kind of sad… 2007 was a good year for me. God did so much in my heart… I love Him. And 2008 looks scary to me. I don’t know what lies ahead… and what I do know I’m feeling uneasy about. But I set my heart to love, trust and obey Him… and let Him lead.

What I want in 2008:

• to grow in the knowledge of God
• to love God so much more (this flows out of the first… I want understanding that fuels my heart)
• to love others more (this flows out of the one before this one…)
• to live the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7)
• to cultivate faithfulness
• to trust Him more
• to be in the Word more
• to pursue 100% obedience

And I pray for all my readers that this year He would truly give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him (Ephesians 1:17) like never before. I pray that you would truly grow in the knowledge of this One who loves you so much, this One who delights in you and this One who is unrelenting for your wholehearted love. I pray for an abundance of grace to pray, fast, meditate on/study the Word (and to organise your schedule to do all of the above) and live the Sermon on the Mount. I pray that your love for Him would grow more and more… that your heart would truly burn with passion for Jesus, just as it was created to.

I had one of those days today. Those days where you feel like God turned up the ‘magnifying power’. When you’re seeing the dark, not so much the lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). The days where you have to quote ‘there is NO condemnation in Christ’ (Romans 8:1) over and over again… trying to believe it. The days when you’re feeling the frailty of the earthen vessel, so part of you doubts if there could really be any treasure inside (2 Corinthians 4:7). The days when you aren’t sure if you believe the prophetic words anymore because you’re like “… ummm yep I am too messed up for that to happen. So I guess I’ll let those ones fall to the ground…” The days when all you can pray is “Help me Jesus… help me. Help me.” When it is soooo easy to run to anything to distract yourself from the pain you feel over your own weakness. Sleep, food, Facebook, etc… and then you realise you ran to a whole bunch of things that don’t satisfy and then you’re like aaaargh and feel even worse…

Definitely one of ‘those’ days.

One of those days when you truly have to take God at His word when He says that He does delight in showing mercy (Micah 7:18). That you are dark… and yet so very lovely to Him (Song of Songs 1:5). And that although any righteousness of your own is as filthy rags to Him (Isaiah 64:6), you now have the righteousness that comes from faith in Christ (Romans 3:22). When you truly have to believe that what Jesus did on the cross is bigger than all your issues. That He is not intimidated by your weakness. That it’s not about your ability to make yourself ‘good enough’ for Him to use you or even love you, it’s about having a willing and humble heart before Him and doing your best to follow as He leads you… and trust that He is leading you in paths of righteousness… though you may feel like you’re walking through a valley (Psalm 23:3-4). Trust that He is fully committed and will be unrelenting until He has cultivated a heart of truth, humility and righteousness in you (Psalm 45:4). Trust in His unfailing love. Trust that His faithfulness to you is greater than your propensity to unfaithfulness. Trust that His love for you is greater than your sin nature. Trust that He is leading you into Song of Songs 8 and Revelation 19:7-8.

One of those days where you get to the end of it and think “who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning upon her Beloved?” (Song of Songs 8:5) and realise that although it felt crazy at the time… you do love Him just a little bit more, and trust Him just a little bit more… and that even one of ‘those’ days fits perfectly into His plan

God is the perfect leader of my life.

He is the Shepherd and Overseer of my soul (1 Peter 2:25). He knows the plans He has for me… plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). He is a good Father who delights in giving good gifts (Matthew 7:11). He’s not out to get me by making my life as hard as possible so that I sin so He has an excuse to banish me from His presence. He sent His Son to die for me that I could be with Him where He is (John 17:24). He’s given me everything I need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). I have a leader who loves me with an unfailing love… so He leads me in His unfailing love (Exodus 15:13). The leader of my life is Love (1 John 4:8).

I want to know God, I want to love God, I want to be like God. And God wants these things from my life even more than I do… so He made a way for me to know Him through sending Jesus, the image of the invisible God (Colossians 1:15), to earth. He prophesied that we will love Him with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30)… and grace is poured upon His lips (Psalm 45:2)… so with every word He speaks to me comes the grace to walk it out. And He leads me in paths of righteousness (Psalm 23:3), that I would be like Him.

And even though I know these verses, what’s the point of knowing them but not living them? So how do I live knowing that God is the perfect leader of my life? I trust Him. I choose to not lean upon my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5) and instead lean upon my Beloved (Song of Songs 8:5). My understanding is so weak… so I lean upon the Lord God Almighty. I trust God.

And sometimes I forget and try to control my own life… but when my plans falls apart He tenderly leads me back to the place of submitting to His leadership. His kindness brings me to repentance (Romans 2:4).

One last point… I find it interesting that the first commandment is to love the Lord our God… the Lord of our lives… the leader of our lives… we are to love His leadership… good thing it’s perfect