Hello readers… I haven’t blogged in a while… but I have been hard at work studying/meditating on Song of Songs I am too busy/lazy to write a post right now, so here is a excerpt from my study notes…

His love is unfailing, unchanging and not reliant on her maturity or ability to love in response to His love. Even though she is immature and dark in heart (Song of Songs 1:5) He has already let her experience His love. His love that remains unchanged despite her weakness and unfaithfulness. He knows that she will fall short, despite the fact that she does have some revelation of His love. Yet He still chooses to lavish love upon her (1 John 3:1). For He delights in showing mercy (Micah 7:18). Though she is dark He counts her as worthy of love and He will be tenderly unrelenting until He has brought her forth into full maturity of love (Song of Songs 8). He sees the end from the beginning and knows who she will be. So despite her weakness and failings He does not give up on her. He goes again (Hosea 3:1), knowing that His faithful pursuit of her heart will awaken faithful love in her. For when she sees Him, she’ll be like Him (1 John 3:2). He is the One who shows her what love is (1 John 3:16).

*happy sigh*

Hello readers… I have been absent from the world of blog for a little while… busyness and lack of internet make frequent blogging pretty much impossible…

Soooo… what I have I been learning/meditating on during my mini-hiatus?? Well, as my regular readers would know by now, I like studying Song of Songs. A lot. Sooo I have been doing that. That deserves a *happy sigh*. One day I was having a “I’m feelin’ the dark… but not so much the lovely” day… but He is showing me over and over again that even in the face of my frequent stumbles and easily distracted-ness He remains faithful and still loves me more than I can comprehend.

So anyway… that day I noticed something that cheered me up… she is the one who calls herself dark (SoS 1:5)… but He only ever calls her lovely etc. Not that He doesn’t see the darkness, or that He’s okay with it being there… but He does not define her by her darkness. Her weakness doesn’t overwhelm Him, but her love does (SoS 4:9)… weak love… but true love. And so it counts before Him. And He is the One who is fully committed and fully able to bring her forth in love (Phil 1:6)… He sees who she will be and so declares it to her, calling her into it (SoS 4:1-15… among others…). Yes, they both know she is dark, prone to wander etcetc… but through it all she loves Him. Even when she rejects His call to the mountains… even when He withdraws His presence… and when she’s happy in His shade… she still calls Him her Beloved (see SoS 2:17, 5:6 and 2:3). Through it all… despite her weakness, unsettled issues, immaturity etcetc… she stills loves Him with her weak-but-true love that overwhelms His heart. So He calls her lovely. And it’s so beautiful to see her learn to believe Him.

*happy sigh* yes, oh yes… I like Song of Songs. Why?? Because I love God and He loves meeee

Song of Songs = my life story

Today I was talking to some of the people from the on-campus prayer meetings about the tension of being a uni student, studying up for some job in the marketplace… but deep down wanting to do ‘full-time ministry’… it brought up something I have been pondering a lot lately… in the post-IHOP, early commerce degree internal WARZONE (oh, the drama, the drama!!). I was a singer, dancer and intercessor in a house of prayer. My job was to worship and pray and fast and read the Word and sing and dance… and I loved it. And now I am here studying a degree that is frustratingly boring and that leads to a career that doesn’t hold any greater appeal… and but despite all my tears and pleading and kicking and screaming… I am still here… I can’t do what I want to do so I feel like I’m stuck doing what God won’t let me get out of. And in my immaturity and lack of understanding so I am prone to whinging to Him… “ohhhh but I just want to do fulltime ministryyyyy” *stomps foot*… yes, oh yes, my little heart is very much a work in progress. One which He is fully committed and fully able to bring into completion (Philippians 1:6)…

But when I lift my eyes from my circumstances and actually listen to what He has to say… I am reminded that in a way, no matter what our vocation is, as Christians we are to live ‘full-time ministry.’

• “You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.” Matthew 5:14-15
• “Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Colossians 4:5-6
• “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.” Acts 4:13

And so on and so on… obviously, this doesn’t mean that missionaries, pastors and the like are wasting their time… and I still don’t want to be an accountant… but even if I ended up as an accountant, I would still have sooo many ministry and evangelism opportunities. Water cooler conversations about God, doing all tasks with an excellence that brings glory to Him, interceding for my colleagues as they work in the cubicle next door etcetc… if full-time ministry and a life devoted to prayer, the Word, fasting and worship is truly what I desire to live, my vocation will never stop me from doing that. Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ (Romans 8:35-39)… and that’s what it’s all about. I don’t want to do this thing I call ministry because I like it in itself. I want to do it because I love Him… and I want to love Him more and live a life of love that directs other people into His love… whatever that looks like.

One thing I think I need in particular is a broader definition of worship… the true definition. I am so quick to shrink it to only include things like singing and dancing… and so if I am doing a uni assignment I act all grumpy because I just want to ‘worship Him’… coming up with a spiritual sounding excuse to slack off my uni work and go do something I deem to be of ‘eternal worth’… conveniently forgetting that we are called to do all things with excellence to bring glory to Him (1 Corinthians 10:31).

Yes, He loves it when I sing to Him… but He also loves it when I cry out (even in the midst of all my confusion and immaturity… dark am I, yet lovely [Song of Songs 1:5]…) ”God, studying accounting seems like the DUMBEST thing to do right now when You’re coming back so soon and I just want to love You more… buuut for some reason You want me here. I don’t get it but I trust You…” and plug away at an assignment, when I could be reading the Word… that matters to Him. It doesn’t make sense to me… if anything, it feels like He should be disappointed with me for doing uni work instead of being with Him… but no, He wants me to be faithful to that which He’s called me in this season. That which looks like a confusing waste of time to me looks to Him like His perfect plan unfolding. And I am so amazed that He loves me so much that my little life and little heart is not overlooked… I am not forsaken (Deuteronomy 31:6)… I am not forgotten (Isaiah 49:15)… I am His beloved.

Yes, I love Him and that makes me want to spend my days praying and reading the Word and fasting and singing and dancing… but because I love Him I want to obey Him fully, even when I don’t get it. I have to trust that His desire for me to love Him more is even greater than my own… that He wants me to know Him even more than I want to know Him… and that He knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11)… and is fully capable to bring them to pass. Whatever they looks like. Whether that means I end up as a fulltime missionary, a conference speaker… or a burning and shining lamp (John 5:35) by the office water cooler.

Lately as I’ve been reading the Word and meditating on it and praying it back to Him… He has taking me just a little bit deeper into understanding of who He is and the greatness of His love… and my response has often been an awestruck “… really?” As in, ‘You’re really that kind? You are that merciful? Like, Your Word truly means what it says when it says all those incredible things about You? That’s really who You are??’ Not that I didn’t believe those things before, but it’s like they’re coming alive to my heart… and I’m so in awe that this beautiful God loves me.

And then I was a bit sad too… that so many (… and even sometimes my own little heart) buy into the lie that God is a mostly angry deity, looming over us full of hostility towards us, just waiting for us to slip up so He can give up on us, cast us out of His presence and into hell. But when we read the Word we see the truth about Him… that He is the One who delights in mercy (Micah 7:18), has compassion on all that He has made (Psalm 145:9), the One who is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness (Psalm 86:15), the One who carries His people close to His heart (Isaiah 40:11), the One who so loved the world that He gave His only Son that we could be with Him forever (John 3:16), the One whose love for us is so much greater than our hearts’ tilt towards sin, the One who remains faithful to us even when we are unfaithful, the One who judges in perfect righteousness (Revelation 19:11)… and so on and so on… I can’t write it all out, so go read the Bible…

I want to know truth about Him… I want to know Him as He is… I want my eyes to see the King in all of His beauty (Isaiah 33:17)… for He is too good to settle for believing less than the truth of who He is.

Count it all joy (James 1:2), he says!! Oh and “… I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances…” (Philippians 4:11) chimes in his buddy Paul. Oh and if that wasn’t enough, Paul also tells us to “… be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances…” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Yeh, well, what do you guys know?? You’re not a reluctant university student, doing a commerce degree against your will who just wants to be singing and dancing in a prayer room. Ok, Paul, it’s all well and good for you to tell me to count it all joy…

• you received forty stripes minus one from the Jews five times
• you were beaten with rods three times
• you were stoned once
• shipwrecked three times
• have spent a night and a day out at sea
• endangered by waters, robbers, your own countrymen, Gentiles
• endangered in the city, wilderness, at sea, among false brethren
• endured weariness, toil, frequent sleeplessness, hunger, thirst, frequent fasting, the cold and nakedness

– 2 Corinthians 11:24-27

Suck it up, mate!! I have essays to do, readings to trawl through, podcasts to endure, boooooring lectures to sit through… and you tell me to count it all JOY?? Mate, I’ll take the shipwrecks any day…

… I am totally kidding.

Sooooo… I need to complain less and trust Him more. To lift my eyes and fix them on Him, no matter how sucky my circumstances feel. I need to count it all joy, be content in all circumstances, be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances.

Not that God doesn’t notice or care about how much I hate being at uni… He knows all the reasons why I hate it… but He also knows all the reasons why He won’t let me get out… He knows the desires He put in my heart, He knows the gifts and abilities He’s given me, He knows the things I enjoy, He knows what fascinates me… and what makes me so bored I want to run out of a lecture hall SCREAMING!!… He knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11)… He has searched me and knows me (Psalm 139:1)… He created me… and He loves me. He hears my prayers, He sees every time I cry and treasures every tear (Psalm 56:8), He sees my confusion and distress… and yet even though He sees the big picture and is so much bigger than all these things that seem so overwhelming for my little heart… in all my distress He is distressed (Isaiah 63:9)… because He loves me.

He loves me… *smile*… that truth is enough to make me smile and feel just a little more peaceful even in the midst of a trying day at work or uni… enough to make me want to dance and sing all the time… enough to be transforming everything about me… enough to set my heart on a pilgrimage (Psalm 84:5)… enough to turn my heart from hating Him to loving Him.

And hey, I am fully deserving of hell… but now I get to be with Him forever, dwelling eternally in the fullness of joy in His presence (Psalm 16:11). I have to get through uni first though… but it’s better than hell

I am so in awe of God… this One who is love (1 John 4:8)… and loves me. The One who has searched me and knows me (Psalm 139:1)… who sees all the darkness and the unsettled issues… and yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). The One who knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11), the One who is leading me in paths of righteousness (Psalm 23:3), the One who allures me into the wilderness and speaks tenderly to me (Hosea 2:14)… that I would come up leaning upon Him (Song of Songs 8:5). The One whose great pleasure it was to create me (Revelation 5:11), fully knowing how many times I would choose disobedience and run after all those other things instead of into Him… and in spite of that loving me. Loving me even when I was His enemy (Romans 5:10). Loving me first… knowing that when I began to see His pursuit of me and begin to glimpse His love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19) I would love Him in return. I love Him because He first loved me (1 John 4:19).

This is why I was created: to love the Lord with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30). It’s more than a commandment, it’s my life vision… and what He is fully able and more willing than I can comprehend to bring into reality. Because it’s not about me gritting my teeth and making myself love Him more… it’s Him who is love showing me what love is, showing me the love He has for me and so awakening my heart to love Him still more and more. Him captivating my heart by opening my eyes to see still more of His beauty. He is the One who crowns me with love and compassion (Psalm 103:4)… the One who takes my ashes and gives me beauty (Isaiah 61:3). I don’t deserve it and I certainly could never earn it… and yet His love has been lavished upon me (1 John 3:1). He delights in showing mercy (Micah 7:18)… and delights in me.

What a beautiful God. I love Him … I love Him as best I can… in my weak-but-true way which somehow overwhelms His heart (Song of Songs 4:9)… *happy sigh*

So back in the day… God created Adam and put him in the garden. What was Adam’s job? To tend the garden (Genesis 2:15). And that’s still our job. Not as in we have to go to the Middle East and start growing a physical leafy garden again… the garden we are in charge of tending is our heart.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23). We have been entrusted with that which is so precious to God… our heart. It was created to love the One who is love (1 John 4:8). Even in all our weakness and immaturity… our little dark hearts are so lovely to Him (Song of Songs 1:5)… and He has put them in our care… knowing that we won’t always do a good job… to quote the Shulammite: “… my own vineyard have I neglected.” (Song of Songs 1:6)

But He is so faithful to help us. For surely we are the work of His hands for the display of His splendor (Isaiah 60:21). And He who has begun a good work will complete it (Philippians 1:6). He is the One who looks with compassion on all our ruins and makes our deserts like Eden and our wastelands a garden (Isaiah 51:3). We can’t just grit our teeth and bring forth righteousness and mature love etcetc… that’s what He will do… if only we let Him. When we choose to pursue 100% obedience and follow where He leads. When we spend time fellowshipping with God, the Holy Spirit that dwells within us… the fruit of that will be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). I need a whooole lot more of ALL of those. I need some fruit trees in my garden

Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards… (Song of Songs 1:15). The foxes speak of little compromises… those little things that God is pressing His finger on… little, yes, but are still not in alignment with Him… ruining the garden. As dead flies give perfume a bad smell, so a little folly outweighs wisdom and honour (Ecclesiastes 10:1). Part of tending the garden is to get rid of those little weeds… “… let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles…” Hebrews 12:1

Argh. Looking at my own heart I’m thinkin’ I need less foxes and more fruit

I want a beautiful fragrance to arise from my garden… a heart overflowing with praise and love… He is worthy of nothing less.

Soooo… obedience. The Lord likes it (1 Samuel 15:22). He is the Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… that fact alone commands it. I like the idea of it, especially the idea of me living it 100%… but I often don’t like the fact that it can be hurty. And so I am so often so quick to choose disobedience because it doesn’t hurt (at the time anyway)… but, well, God is pretty good at ska-weeeeezing my little heart (aka. conviction)… or removing His presence beyond my ability to feel it (Song of Songs 3:1)… which also hurts my little heart… until I’m like “ow ow I’m sorry!!” and come running back and into His unending mercy (Revelation 4:3)… into the fact that because He loves me Jesus became the atoning sacrifice for my sins (1 John 4:10)… and then get caught up in the wonder that through no achievement or righteousness of my own I have been given right-standing before God (Romans 5:17). Be amazed that this God who knows me completely (Psalm 139:1)… sees the darkness yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Try to comprehend the love that caused Jesus to be pierced for my transgressions… crushed for my iniquities (Isaiah 53:5)… this love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19)…

In the face of this love… this grace that has been given to me… whyyyy would I want to disobey? To grieve the One who loves me so much and delights in me??

And yet I do…

But I am getting better. Going from strength to strength (Psalm 84:7)… even though I still am so weak… for He gives strength to those who have none (Isaiah 40:29). He is so kind. So merciful… delighting in showing mercy (Micah 7:18)… delighting in me… delighting in showing me mercy. Yes, I stumble… but He gives me strength to get up and keep plugging away (Job 4:4)… knowing that the stumbles don’t intimidate or overwhelm Him… yet somehow my little weak love overwhelms His heart (Song of Songs 4:9). Knowing that when I choose to get up again, to trust in His love, to set my heart on a pilgrimage (Psalm 84:5), to forget the other lovers and run after Him (Hosea 2:7)… it matters to Him. And I don’t have to cautiously come back… face a God who is frosty and distant because I ’surprised’ Him or ‘ruined all His plans’ by messing up again… no, I come boldly before a throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16)… and am met by Him running out to meet me as I come back (Luke 15:20)… and my mistakes and stumbles could never be so big as to cancel out His Sovereignity.

Now, I am certainly not saying that I have no need to try to obey completely… the Bible is clear that we are to make every effort to be holy (Hebrews 12:14), that He desires our obedience (1 Samuel 15:22), that there are definitely rewards for obedience (Psalm 149:19, Psalm 84:11… among LOTS of others…)… but until I get there… while I am still stumbling away… His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

He loves me, yes yes He does!!  *dancedancedance* … and so I love Him (1 John 4:19)… how could I not love the One who loves me so much??

And He loves you… and He loves everybody (John 3:16)… that is exciting!!

… also terrifying, when you consider His jealousy.

This verse belongs on the list of verses that do my head in:

“You number my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle; are they not in Your book?” Psalm 56:8

I was never big on crying… until I went to IHOP. Ohhh dear. Yep, I became a crier. No longer pushing emotions down and out of my mind… but allowed myself to feel. Fear, tenderness, frustration, repentance, joy etcetc… it all made me a bit teary. Still does… but to a lesser extent… and I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Whether it shows I have matured or my heart has gotten harder.

Buuut enough about me, I am here to blog about the verse…

Sooo… I like that. That God treasures my tears. That in all my distress He too is distressed (Isaiah 63:9). That even though He is so much bigger than all my problems that seem so overwhelming to my little heart… He is upset that I am upset… because He loves me. He cares about me… and so beckons me to cast all my cares upon Him (1 Peter 5:7). It is incredible enough that He even sees my tears and hears my cries (2 Kings 20:5)… but He even stores my tears and records my laments.

When it came to this verse I used to be… and, well, sometimes still can be… part of the “Bible-but Club” (yep, Stuart Greaves has a way with words…). For example I would think that “… the Bible says God stores my tears but… obviously it’s only when I’m crying about the ‘right’ things eg. feelin’ all tender towards Him, getting fresh revelation of His mercy etctec…” and somehow thought that when I was crying about things like me not understanding and being unable to see past something that was making my little heart feel overwhelmed He was disappointed in me for not understanding and so somehow my tears didn’t ‘count’ before Him… that those ones didn’t make it into God’s bottle. Believing that when I don’t “have it all together” my cries mean nothing to Him. Twisting the truth that His ears are attentive to the cry of the righteous (Psalm 34:15) to not include me… despite the fact that through Christ Jesus I now have the gift of righteousness before Him (Romans 5:17). Telling myself that He knows me better than I do (Psalm 139:1), and I am feelin’ pretty overwhelmed by all the darkness in my heart… so obviously He is mad at me too… forgetting that yet He sees the darkness… but He also sees the weak but true desire to fully love and obey Him… and so calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Forgetting that even when I was His enemy He loved me enough to die for me (Romans 5:10). Forgetting that any righteousness I work up in my own strength is still as filthy rags to Him (Isaiah 64:6), the Holy Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… forgetting that I could never ‘earn’ His love. I could never come before Him confident in my own righteousness… but I can boldy come before Him (Hebrews 4:16) because of His great mercy and His righteousness (Daniel 9:18)… the righteousness He has given me.

I need revelation of just how much he loves me… just how tender He is towards me even in my weakness… for my heart to truly believe all the time that my sin, weaknesses and all the little unsettled issues don’t overwhelm Him… yet one little weak glance ravishes His heart (Song of Songs 4:9)… and every little tear is seen… and treasured.

I was plunkin’ away at the keys the other day… I was just meandering my way around the Bible… singing things that caught my eye, cross referencing, exploring the what these verses mean, playing around with chord progressions… lingering at the keys as time slipped away… because He loves me and loves to hear my voice (Song of Songs 2:14)… and oh, how I love to sing my heart out to Him

And in amongst all of that, this verse caught my eye…

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone…” Psalm 62:5

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone. For in His presence is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11). Why spend life running around, trying to find happiness in anything and everything apart from God… when in the presence of the omnipresent God (Psalm 139:7) who dwells within me (1 Corinthians 6:19) and whom I can come boldly before (Hebrews 4:16) is pleasure forevermore. He has given me the gift of righteousness (Romans 5:17)… the gift of right standing before Him. I don’t have to try and earn His love… I don’t have to strive to be found worthy of love. For when I was His enemy He loved me enough to send His Son as an atoning sacrifice for my sins (Romans 5:10, 1 John 4:10)… and His love remains unchanged. Find rest, O my soul, in the One who knows me better than I do, yet still loves me. Sees all my darkness, and declares that I am lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Calling things that are not as though they were (Romans 4:17)… calling them out and into existence. The same voice that spoke creation (Genesis 1)… calls me lovely. And so I am. And so I will be.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone. The One my soul longs for (Psalm 63:1). The One who created me to long for Him. The One who will give me desires of my heart when I delight myself in the One whom I desire above all else (Psalm 37:4). The One I desire to seek and gaze upon all the days of my life (Psalm 27:4). The One who is holy (too many references to name just one…), the One who stands alone, transcending all others (Song of Songs 2:3)… in this One alone may I find complete rest.

I want to feel my need for God… and take it and run not to another but into Him. I want to be my heart to be aching with hunger for God… and not being satisfied with anything less. For only He can satisfy. And He will still the hunger of those He cherishes (Psalm 17:14)… stilling my hunger for Him with Himself… and yet leave me so much hungrier than I was… only to be satisfied again… and on and on and on… ever drawing me deeper. Surely, He will take me to Himself (Psalm 49:15). Though many a man claims to have unfailing love (Proverbs 20:6)… only in Him will I find perfect, unfailing, everlasting love. That which He has so graciously lavished upon me (1 John 3:1). Oh, that I would not become complacent… lulled into a false sense of security (Amos 6:1)… content with other lovers… why run after other lovers (Hosea 2:7) when I am relentlessly pursued by the One who is love (1 John 4:8)??

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone…