So this weekend I was flipping through the newspaper’s weekly magazine and one article caught and held my attention… in a nutshell, it’s about how the convents are running out of nuns because all the women are getting older and no young people are joining. But the thing that most made me go ‘wow’ is a quote from one of the nuns at the end of the article:

Sister Nora puts it a little more bluntly. “People think we’ve wasted our lives,” she says.

The table is drawn to silence as the nuns turn towards her.

“That occurred to me at the centenary celebration, when we were at Mass and they were telling the story of Mary Magdalene washing Jesus with the perfume and they said, ‘What a waste, why would she waste the perfume?’ And it really crystallised for me at that moment: that is what people think about us, that we wasted our lives.”

… Sister Nora speaks again: “I don’t think my life has been wasted.”

– extract from the West Weekend Magazine article At the Crossroads

I am not saying that I am about to go convert to Catholicism and join a convent… but something about the life of dedication they live so appeals to me. Because I want to live a simple lifestyle all about seeking Jesus through meditation on the Word and being as He is, a servant of all (Matthew 20:28)… a life that may appear wasted to a world chasing after all those other things… a life given to seeking the one thing needed (Luke 10:42), the one thing I desire (Psalm 27:4)… a life ‘wasted’ at the feet of Jesus… and encountering Him there, listening to what He has to say (Luke 10:39) and being full of joy at the sound of His voice (John 3:29)… and being able to confidently say “I don’t think my life has been wasted.” Whatever that looks like. Whether that looks like sitting in a prayer room or being an accountant who loves Jesus or anything else God has planned for me… no matter what, I want to be found with oil in my lamp (Matthew 25:4), with the first and second commandments as the reality of my heart (Mark 12:30-31), the Sermon on the Mount as my lifestyle (Matthew 5-7)…

Weeell… I don’t know where this post is going, and I have an assignment to work on so I’m going to stop blogging… buuut at any rate, I read the quote and went ‘wow’. So I thought I would share my ‘wow’ with my readers and random websurfers

Soooo… obedience. The Lord likes it (1 Samuel 15:22). He is the Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… that fact alone commands it. I like the idea of it, especially the idea of me living it 100%… but I often don’t like the fact that it can be hurty. And so I am so often so quick to choose disobedience because it doesn’t hurt (at the time anyway)… but, well, God is pretty good at ska-weeeeezing my little heart (aka. conviction)… or removing His presence beyond my ability to feel it (Song of Songs 3:1)… which also hurts my little heart… until I’m like “ow ow I’m sorry!!” and come running back and into His unending mercy (Revelation 4:3)… into the fact that because He loves me Jesus became the atoning sacrifice for my sins (1 John 4:10)… and then get caught up in the wonder that through no achievement or righteousness of my own I have been given right-standing before God (Romans 5:17). Be amazed that this God who knows me completely (Psalm 139:1)… sees the darkness yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Try to comprehend the love that caused Jesus to be pierced for my transgressions… crushed for my iniquities (Isaiah 53:5)… this love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19)…

In the face of this love… this grace that has been given to me… whyyyy would I want to disobey? To grieve the One who loves me so much and delights in me??

And yet I do…

But I am getting better. Going from strength to strength (Psalm 84:7)… even though I still am so weak… for He gives strength to those who have none (Isaiah 40:29). He is so kind. So merciful… delighting in showing mercy (Micah 7:18)… delighting in me… delighting in showing me mercy. Yes, I stumble… but He gives me strength to get up and keep plugging away (Job 4:4)… knowing that the stumbles don’t intimidate or overwhelm Him… yet somehow my little weak love overwhelms His heart (Song of Songs 4:9). Knowing that when I choose to get up again, to trust in His love, to set my heart on a pilgrimage (Psalm 84:5), to forget the other lovers and run after Him (Hosea 2:7)… it matters to Him. And I don’t have to cautiously come back… face a God who is frosty and distant because I ’surprised’ Him or ‘ruined all His plans’ by messing up again… no, I come boldly before a throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16)… and am met by Him running out to meet me as I come back (Luke 15:20)… and my mistakes and stumbles could never be so big as to cancel out His Sovereignity.

Now, I am certainly not saying that I have no need to try to obey completely… the Bible is clear that we are to make every effort to be holy (Hebrews 12:14), that He desires our obedience (1 Samuel 15:22), that there are definitely rewards for obedience (Psalm 149:19, Psalm 84:11… among LOTS of others…)… but until I get there… while I am still stumbling away… His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

He loves me, yes yes He does!!  *dancedancedance* … and so I love Him (1 John 4:19)… how could I not love the One who loves me so much??

And He loves you… and He loves everybody (John 3:16)… that is exciting!!

… also terrifying, when you consider His jealousy.

As Jesus and His disciples were on their way, He came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what He said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to Him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42 (NIV… buuut I capitalised some letters that NIV leaves lower case… I just like to do that…)

Yep. Mary of Bethany is my girl (… and, for the record, Jeremiah is my boy ).

In light of everything that needed to be done… Mary saw something of greater necessity… to be captivated and undistracted… just sitting at the feet of Jesus, and listening to what He had to say. This One with grace poured upon His lips (Psalm 45:2)… the One whose words are spirit and life (John 6:63)… the One who is the very Word of God (John 1). She is doing Song of Songs 2:3… “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in His shade…” I want to be like that.

But yes, there were other things that needed to be done. We can be a bit hard on Martha. But the Word says that she was distracted by the preparations that had to be done. Now… it’s not like I’ve read it in the Greek or anything (haha as a side note… I toootally want to be one of those people who can be all ‘… actually in the Greek that word means…’ I don’t like being at the mercy of potentially sucky translations… I like NIV. Some people think it is sucky. But I’ve researched a leeetle bit into translations… and I feel that liking NIV is justifiable. Aaanyway, back to what I was saying before…)… buuut as far as I can see, it doesn’t say that Martha was actually doing the serving at the time. Reading NKJV suggests that Mary and Martha were simultaneously sitting at Jesus’ feet… but Martha’s mind was elsewhere… distracted by all the preparations and serving that had to be done.

I picture Mary sitting and listening intently, fully captivated by Jesus… but Martha sitting there and being like how I am so prone to be… trying to read my Bible but my head is swimming with a whole bunch of other stuff I have to do (eg. do laundry, study, make dinner etctec…)… so much so that I eventually just drop Bible study, which I don’t feel like I’m ‘getting too much out of anyway’ (because I’m probably too noisy on the inside to hear anything…) in favour of other stuff that needs to be done. And so I’m guessing that at some point Martha bailed and started doing preparations… the preparations that had to be done. Sooo… I’m not going to have a go at her for doing stuff that needed to be done.

Haha I just realised that I started this post planning on talking about Mary, but I’m rambling on about Martha now… oh well

Sooo… Martha had a choice… preparations that obviously needed to be done, for she had, after all, opened her home to Jesus (and I’m assuming His disciples as well…)… versus sitting at the feet of God, listening to what He has to say. There is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1)… so I’m guessing that there was a time to listen and a time to prepare. Nothing wrong with preparation. But being so internally distracted by things that need to be done that you can’t focus on the thing that is better than all of that is a problem. A problem I am prone to…

Oh, that I would be able to sit at His feet, gazing upon Him with dove’s eyes (Song of Songs 4:1)… undistracted, undivided devotion (1 Corinthians 7:35)… listening to what He has to say… not distracted by all those other things, as valid as they may be. For they are not more important than just quietening down and spending time with God. And then that I could go do those other things with all my heart as if I was working for God and not men (Colossians 3:23)… worshipping Him in all that I do, whether I am meditating in the Word or doing an assignment for uni… but most of all treasuring the times just spent at His feet… the one thing that is needed (Luke 10:42)… the one thing I desire (Psalm 27:4)…

Sooo one justification I had for wagging uni was that it gave me more time for things of eternal worth… ie. studying the eternal Word of God (Isaiah 40:8). Buuut God blew that one outta the water last night during a teaching on calling… eg. internal (intimacy), external (ministry) and eternal. He reminded me that we get eternal rewards according to our faithfulness with even little things (Luke19:17)… on this side of eternity.

… including our faithfulness with rolling outta bed and into a lecture at a university that in accordance with His good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2) He wants you to go to. His will that remains unchanged despite loud protesting and frequent wagging on my end. (Oh, if you don’t know what ‘wagging’ means… it is apparently the same as ‘bunking’… I think… if you are American, anyway…)

Yep, I desire eternal rewards. As well as 100% obedience. And so I went to uni today.

Yay for me.

Yay for eternal rewards.

But most of all, yay for the God who delights in mercy (Micah 7:18), rewarding us for the obedience which is surely commanded by the very fact that He is the Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… rewarding us when He owes us nothing. He has already given us the most incredible gift of all… eternity with Him, through His Son going to the cross (John 3:16). But if that wasn’t reward enough… we get further reward. Even for faithfulness with the little.

Surely, no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him (1 Corinthians 2:9)…

… and for me for actually going (albeit doing a little internal kicking and screaming… my heart is very much a work in progress…) to university. It’s a small thing… but even small things mean so much to Him (Song of Songs 4:9)… and on top of the joy of knowing that even in my weakness I move the heart of God… I take heart in that He will reward me. I toootally don’t deserve it… but He will.

He is so kind

This morning at work my manager was asking all us employees if we were doing anything exciting tonight. I shook my head along with most of the others… but inwardly was like “ooooh, I have prayer tonight!! Sa-weeeet!!”

Then she asked me again later… the same question… “Are you doing anything exciting tonight?” and I go, “No, just going to prayer…”

And she walked off and I’m left thinking… no, actually, these prayer meetings are the highlights of my week!! I sit there at uni or stand there at work and am hanging out for when I can LEAVE work or uni and get to prayer. YES, prayer is exciting!! (Weeeell, ok, it can also feel dry too… but when I step back and remember what prayer actually is… oh, it is exciting ) I get to talk to the Lord God Almighty, knowing that He hears my little voice (2 Samuel 22:7) and what I have to say matters to Him… because I matter to Him (1 Peter 5:7)… more than that, I am loved knowledge-surpassingly (Ephesians 3:19)!! I am going to go spend time sitting in a room singing and talking to the One who loves me… and I am EXCITED!! I am going to spend my Friday night partnering with God in what He’s doing on the earth… talking to Him and learning what is on His heart and standing in agreement those things… His good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2)… I am going to spend my night asking Him to do what is on His heart to do. I get to sit at the feet of God and listen to what He has to say (Luke 10:39)… and I am EXCITED about it!! I get to do that which I love to do… to gaze upon His beauty, seek His face and just enjoy being in His presence (Psalm 27:4). And I am excited about it

All that was on my heart… yet I didn’t sound too excited at all when I answered her. Why?? Fear of man. I was scared of her thinking less of me because I get excited about prayer… buuut I thought about it some more and was like… “yeh, well… sooo what??” Oh, that I would have the fear of the Lord… not the fear of man (Matthew 10:28). The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man (or manager….) do to me?? (Psalm 118:6)

Oh, I want to know His love still more and more… His perfect love that casts out fear (1 John 4:18)…

Soooo… next time she asks me if I’m doing anything exciting on Friday night… my answer will be a simple, “Yeh, I am… I’m going to prayer.”

I am an NIV fan. Yes, I am aware of the “Nearly Inspired Version” jokes… buuut I like it (props to NKJV and ESV though). All that to say… in the NIV account of the gospels, Jesus says “I tell you the truth…” 78 times.

78 times!!

In a world full of people who speak deceit (Psalm 5:9)… I want to hear the voice of Him who is full of grace and truth (John 1:14). The One with grace poured upon His lips (Psalm 45:2). The One whose words are spirit and life (John 6:63). His Word is truth (John 17:17).

He IS truth (John 14:6).

Oh, to spend my life at His feet, listening to what He has to say (Luke 10:39)… and being filled with joy at the sound of His voice (John 3:29).

Loving other people… I can be pretty sucky at it.

In a way, I guess I find loving God ‘easier’… because I know that no matter what He loves me… just as I am… to love other people involves me opening up and letting them love me… means letting them see the darkness which I try to hide. And I still need to grow in revelation of the ‘dark yet lovely’ (Song of Songs 1:5) principle… but to some extent I ‘get’ it… enough to ‘expect’ it from God. But I honestly find it harder with people… it’s like I don’t trust them to find me lovely when faced with my darkness. And that hinders my heart from loving them… because I’m too scared to let them love me.

I think about this a lot… who am I to not love those God loves? Those He died for (John 3:16)… and I don’t show them love. And He has so loved me… oh that that revelation would cause love to abound in and overflow from my heart. And He commands me to love others (Luke 10:27). It’s right up there behind loving Him.

And it’s not just loving people who I expect to return my love… He calls me to loving my enemies (Matthew 5:44). Trying to love like He does… faithfully, even when met with unfaithfulness. Like Hosea and Gomer… like God and Israel… like God and me. This is how He loves… and I want to be like that. I want to do more than simply ‘accept and appreciate’ His love… I want to live it… to have it fill my heart and overflow into loving Him… and loving others.

Even if it ‘costs’ me (what love doesn’t??)… even if it would be ‘unreturned’… would being like Him, obeying Him, knowing He sees and knowing that even my weak efforts move His heart (Song of Songs 4:9) be reward enough. Would I find delight in the fact that I am loving… or at least trying to…

Would my love not be conditional… only offered if it’s going to be responded to with equal or greater love… that’s not how He loves, and I want to love as He does… for His love is perfect. And I want to be filled with confidence in His love. For knowing He loves me gives me strength to love others. Knowing that He loves them helps too Knowing that the love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19) is ever for me… the only love that will ever fully satisfy is already towards me… gives me strength to ‘risk’ not being loved in return.

Also, I want to be loved by others … but I am always waiting for the other person to be vulnerable so I can love the other person in their weakness… but they are waiting as well. So nothing happens. Argh.

And it’s not always as seemingly heroic as responding with love when being confronted with someone else’s weakness. What about being constant… always, always responding with love. No matter the circumstance. Big, small, if they’re your best friend, if they’re your enemy… always loving.

Wooow I am getting sleepy and rambly now… sooo goodnight

I really like the song “I Will Waste My Life” by Misty Edwards. I love to sing it, I love to play it, I love to dance to it, I love to listen to it… it captures something I otherwise just ‘feel’… and puts it to music. But all those times I would sing “I will waste my life…” I envisioned being an Anna (Luke 2:36-37), spending my days (nights!!) in a prayer room seeking His face through prayer, fasting and reading the Word… and then from that place of learning from God who God is, going out and making Him known… and then back into the prayer room again

… but He led me here… to days packed full of university or work and waaay less time in an actual prayer room… a life that is simply BUSY with things that seem so meaningless to me (Ecclesiastes 1:2)… oh, but there definitely are things I love (eg. Wednesday night worship with the word sets… *happy sigh*)… and on top of all those other things filling it up life is full of longing to just be back to ’wasting my life’… spending time sitting in a room, knowing that on the outside I appear to be stayin’ up all night talking the atmosphere and missing the odd Taco Bell run here and there… but on the inside something so much bigger and more beautiful is going on… and who even can comprehend what it does to the heart of the Lord (Song of Songs 4:9)?? And when the heart of the Lord is moved… look out, you powers and principalities (Colossians 2:15)…

I would cry (*sigh* still do on the odd day…) “God… why am I here?? It feels like such a waste of my life…” … but one day I remembered the aforementioned song… and all those times I would sing “I will waste my life…” envisioning a life sitting (and dancing!!) in a prayer room… because it had gotten to the point where that didn’t seem like a ‘waste’ of my life at all… but what I wanted to do with my life more than anything… and my heart just came alive like never before when I had a chance to pray, fast, read the Word and worship through dance and song fulltime… being a successful accountant no longer held any appeal… aaand it still doesn’t, but I am nevertheless still pluggin’ away at the accounting degree…

Wooow bunny trail… ok, back to crying and remembering…

All those times I told Him I would waste my life… envisioning something that wasn’t a waste to me and being excited by the prospect… and then He leads me away from that and into something completely different… something which truly does ‘feel’ like a waste… and three years of it sitting ahead of me… but I am totally aware that the way I feel doesn’t mean that’s how it is… it feels like a waste when I forget… when I forget that He remains fully in control (1 Timothy 6:15), when I forget that He is wiser than I am (Isaiah 40:13), when I forget that He wants my heart (Song of Songs 7:10) even more than I want to give it, when I forget that His will is good, pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2)… oh that I would truly see things the way they are… the way He sees them… not filtered through my emotions and weak understanding…

Lots of emotions rage inside me when I step back and look at it all. When I weigh up my hopes, dreams and desires against reality and God’s will. Oh, that they would all be one and the same… but as of now there are lots of clashing emotions… usually one or two more dominant than others… the turmoil of frustration, weak but true love, momentary peace, painful confusion, crushing despair, glimpses of hope, flashes of offense, weak yet growing trust etcetc (haha ok, this maybe sounds overly dramatic… but I’m trying to express myself better so we’ll see if this ‘works’ or is overkill..)… but oh that it would all be overwhelmed and silenced by love.

I have been known try and start arguments with God… ha… one day I was crying to/trying to argue with Him… and I’m all “… but I was willing to sacrifice so much else and just pray…” and I felt a resounding “obedience is better than sacrifice” (1 Samuel 15:22) and I was like “*pause*… danggit!!” Shut down by God… I cannot win an argument with God… but who am I to even start arguing with God?? I picture it as me the little kid, kicking and screaming when she doesn’t get her way… and Him just holding me close, holding me still… as I calm down and begin to trust Him…

… I am so loved…

All that to say… it doesn’t always ‘feel’ like it but He is drawing me closer and leading me into the plans He has for me… and honestly, I have no idea what they are… and try as I may to fight it, this is where He has me now… I don’t understand it but I guess that’s His job… mine is to trust and obey and love as best I can… God help me…

“… just let me find I’m at Your feet…”

Hmmm I wrote this a couple of months ago… August 4th, to be exact… I remember it was after Misty Edwards spoke at the church service… and she read my mail… pretty much put everything going on in my heart and all the stuff God had been speaking to me into words… I was crying so hard I could barely even breathe…

 … and I was cleaning my room today and found it…

He sees rightly… and He calls you lovely. He is not a man that He should lie. The perfection of beauty sees you and your heart that loves Him… and He finds you beautiful. He who created all that we consider beautiful… mountains, sunsets, oceans… yet they don’t move His heart. Yet you have stolen His heart with but one glance of your eye. The voice that spoke creation tells you that He loves you and He finds you beautiful. He is the perfection of beauty. He alone truly knows what beauty really looks like… and He looks at you and finds your love for Him beautiful. He doesn’t define you by your struggles and failures… He defines you by your earnest desire to love and obey Him. He sees your weak but true love and calls you forth… He is inviting us into wholeheartedness… who will respond? Who will arise, confident in His unfailing love, and follow Him? Who will incline their ear and consider His invitation? His eyes search to and fro… looking for a lover… looking for a friend… Who will arise into wholeheartedness? Who will arise into righteousness? Who will arise into undistracted, undivided devotion? Who will embrace the cross? Who will take up their cross, splinters and all, and follow Him? Who will follow the Lamb? Who will follow the Good Shepherd? Who will be allured into the desert so that they could come out leaning upon their Lover? Who will love with all of their heart, soul, mind and strength? Who will be a lover of that which He fights for? Truth. Humility. Righteousness. Who will be a friend of the Bridegroom? Who will be a voice crying out in the wilderness, “Prepare the way of the Lord!” Who is lovesick? Whose heart joins with all creation and it groans and longs for His return? Who desires to be with Him where He is? Who is captivated? Who is fascinated? Who will be found fully in love? Who has gazed into His eyes of fire and has had their heart set ablaze with passion? Who will consider all things loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus? Who will live for Him? Who will die for Him? Who has been forgiven much? Who will love much? Who will hear His voice and speak it forth?

Arise…

“… His word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.” Jeremiah 20:9

I can’t keep it in. I love God so much… and yet nowhere near as much as I want to… and NOTHING compared to how He loves me… and I know that He has that same love for everyone. So it grieves me that so many people don’t know that… or ‘know’ it in their heads but their hearts haven’t realised it and come alive. So it’s my prayer that when people read my blog their eyes are opened and their hearts are softened… that my ramblings about God encourage someone else to go hard after Him… to challenge, inspire and encourage them to live the first commandment (”… love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.” [Mark 12:30]) and have the second flowing out of it (”… love your neighbour as yourself.” [Mark 12:31])… to live the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7)… and to realise that Jesus is coming back soon (Revelation 22:7) and we need to be watching and waiting (Micah 7:7) and cultivating the oil of intimacy in our lamps (Matthew 25:1-13).

Oooh I love ‘fiery’ Bible verses haha…
> “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; For love is as strong as death, Jealousy as cruel as the grave; its flames are flames of fire, a most vehement flame.” Song of Songs 8:6… mmmm I’m not going to expand on that verse… that could be a post in itself… I like that verse. Very, very much so. Maybe look at my previous post “Jealousy”… I like to meditate on the jealousy of God. A lot. A lot a lot.
> “My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned…” Psalm 39:3
> “Did not our hearts burn within us while He talked with us on the road, and while He opened the Scriptures to us?” Luke 24:32… I pray this one over myself alot.

This heart was made to burn with passion for God. And I won’t settle for anything less.

This is cool… you know how pregnant women get cravings for food? When my mum was pregnant with me she craved coal. Coal. As in the black stuff in the fire. Not hotdogs, chocolate, pizza… she wanted to eat coal (hopefully she didn’t…). Prophetic…?