Today I was talking to some of the people from the on-campus prayer meetings about the tension of being a uni student, studying up for some job in the marketplace… but deep down wanting to do ‘full-time ministry’… it brought up something I have been pondering a lot lately… in the post-IHOP, early commerce degree internal WARZONE (oh, the drama, the drama!!). I was a singer, dancer and intercessor in a house of prayer. My job was to worship and pray and fast and read the Word and sing and dance… and I loved it. And now I am here studying a degree that is frustratingly boring and that leads to a career that doesn’t hold any greater appeal… and but despite all my tears and pleading and kicking and screaming… I am still here… I can’t do what I want to do so I feel like I’m stuck doing what God won’t let me get out of. And in my immaturity and lack of understanding so I am prone to whinging to Him… “ohhhh but I just want to do fulltime ministryyyyy” *stomps foot*… yes, oh yes, my little heart is very much a work in progress. One which He is fully committed and fully able to bring into completion (Philippians 1:6)…

But when I lift my eyes from my circumstances and actually listen to what He has to say… I am reminded that in a way, no matter what our vocation is, as Christians we are to live ‘full-time ministry.’

• “You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.” Matthew 5:14-15
• “Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Colossians 4:5-6
• “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.” Acts 4:13

And so on and so on… obviously, this doesn’t mean that missionaries, pastors and the like are wasting their time… and I still don’t want to be an accountant… but even if I ended up as an accountant, I would still have sooo many ministry and evangelism opportunities. Water cooler conversations about God, doing all tasks with an excellence that brings glory to Him, interceding for my colleagues as they work in the cubicle next door etcetc… if full-time ministry and a life devoted to prayer, the Word, fasting and worship is truly what I desire to live, my vocation will never stop me from doing that. Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ (Romans 8:35-39)… and that’s what it’s all about. I don’t want to do this thing I call ministry because I like it in itself. I want to do it because I love Him… and I want to love Him more and live a life of love that directs other people into His love… whatever that looks like.

One thing I think I need in particular is a broader definition of worship… the true definition. I am so quick to shrink it to only include things like singing and dancing… and so if I am doing a uni assignment I act all grumpy because I just want to ‘worship Him’… coming up with a spiritual sounding excuse to slack off my uni work and go do something I deem to be of ‘eternal worth’… conveniently forgetting that we are called to do all things with excellence to bring glory to Him (1 Corinthians 10:31).

Yes, He loves it when I sing to Him… but He also loves it when I cry out (even in the midst of all my confusion and immaturity… dark am I, yet lovely [Song of Songs 1:5]…) ”God, studying accounting seems like the DUMBEST thing to do right now when You’re coming back so soon and I just want to love You more… buuut for some reason You want me here. I don’t get it but I trust You…” and plug away at an assignment, when I could be reading the Word… that matters to Him. It doesn’t make sense to me… if anything, it feels like He should be disappointed with me for doing uni work instead of being with Him… but no, He wants me to be faithful to that which He’s called me in this season. That which looks like a confusing waste of time to me looks to Him like His perfect plan unfolding. And I am so amazed that He loves me so much that my little life and little heart is not overlooked… I am not forsaken (Deuteronomy 31:6)… I am not forgotten (Isaiah 49:15)… I am His beloved.

Yes, I love Him and that makes me want to spend my days praying and reading the Word and fasting and singing and dancing… but because I love Him I want to obey Him fully, even when I don’t get it. I have to trust that His desire for me to love Him more is even greater than my own… that He wants me to know Him even more than I want to know Him… and that He knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11)… and is fully capable to bring them to pass. Whatever they looks like. Whether that means I end up as a fulltime missionary, a conference speaker… or a burning and shining lamp (John 5:35) by the office water cooler.

So this weekend I was flipping through the newspaper’s weekly magazine and one article caught and held my attention… in a nutshell, it’s about how the convents are running out of nuns because all the women are getting older and no young people are joining. But the thing that most made me go ‘wow’ is a quote from one of the nuns at the end of the article:

Sister Nora puts it a little more bluntly. “People think we’ve wasted our lives,” she says.

The table is drawn to silence as the nuns turn towards her.

“That occurred to me at the centenary celebration, when we were at Mass and they were telling the story of Mary Magdalene washing Jesus with the perfume and they said, ‘What a waste, why would she waste the perfume?’ And it really crystallised for me at that moment: that is what people think about us, that we wasted our lives.”

… Sister Nora speaks again: “I don’t think my life has been wasted.”

– extract from the West Weekend Magazine article At the Crossroads

I am not saying that I am about to go convert to Catholicism and join a convent… but something about the life of dedication they live so appeals to me. Because I want to live a simple lifestyle all about seeking Jesus through meditation on the Word and being as He is, a servant of all (Matthew 20:28)… a life that may appear wasted to a world chasing after all those other things… a life given to seeking the one thing needed (Luke 10:42), the one thing I desire (Psalm 27:4)… a life ‘wasted’ at the feet of Jesus… and encountering Him there, listening to what He has to say (Luke 10:39) and being full of joy at the sound of His voice (John 3:29)… and being able to confidently say “I don’t think my life has been wasted.” Whatever that looks like. Whether that looks like sitting in a prayer room or being an accountant who loves Jesus or anything else God has planned for me… no matter what, I want to be found with oil in my lamp (Matthew 25:4), with the first and second commandments as the reality of my heart (Mark 12:30-31), the Sermon on the Mount as my lifestyle (Matthew 5-7)…

Weeell… I don’t know where this post is going, and I have an assignment to work on so I’m going to stop blogging… buuut at any rate, I read the quote and went ‘wow’. So I thought I would share my ‘wow’ with my readers and random websurfers

This morning at work my manager was asking all us employees if we were doing anything exciting tonight. I shook my head along with most of the others… but inwardly was like “ooooh, I have prayer tonight!! Sa-weeeet!!”

Then she asked me again later… the same question… “Are you doing anything exciting tonight?” and I go, “No, just going to prayer…”

And she walked off and I’m left thinking… no, actually, these prayer meetings are the highlights of my week!! I sit there at uni or stand there at work and am hanging out for when I can LEAVE work or uni and get to prayer. YES, prayer is exciting!! (Weeeell, ok, it can also feel dry too… but when I step back and remember what prayer actually is… oh, it is exciting ) I get to talk to the Lord God Almighty, knowing that He hears my little voice (2 Samuel 22:7) and what I have to say matters to Him… because I matter to Him (1 Peter 5:7)… more than that, I am loved knowledge-surpassingly (Ephesians 3:19)!! I am going to go spend time sitting in a room singing and talking to the One who loves me… and I am EXCITED!! I am going to spend my Friday night partnering with God in what He’s doing on the earth… talking to Him and learning what is on His heart and standing in agreement those things… His good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2)… I am going to spend my night asking Him to do what is on His heart to do. I get to sit at the feet of God and listen to what He has to say (Luke 10:39)… and I am EXCITED about it!! I get to do that which I love to do… to gaze upon His beauty, seek His face and just enjoy being in His presence (Psalm 27:4). And I am excited about it

All that was on my heart… yet I didn’t sound too excited at all when I answered her. Why?? Fear of man. I was scared of her thinking less of me because I get excited about prayer… buuut I thought about it some more and was like… “yeh, well… sooo what??” Oh, that I would have the fear of the Lord… not the fear of man (Matthew 10:28). The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man (or manager….) do to me?? (Psalm 118:6)

Oh, I want to know His love still more and more… His perfect love that casts out fear (1 John 4:18)…

Soooo… next time she asks me if I’m doing anything exciting on Friday night… my answer will be a simple, “Yeh, I am… I’m going to prayer.”

“Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.” Matthew 25:46

No matter what, we are going to exist forever. But Biblically, this eternal ‘existing’ is not synonymous with eternal life… eternal life is conditional…

• “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?” Matthew 19:16
• “… everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for My sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.” Matthew 19:29
• “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
• “Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life…” John 3:36
• “… whoever hears My word and believes Him who sent Me has eternal life…” John 5:24

Eternal existence… that which we all get… or eternal life… that which is only available through Jesus (John 17:2). What is eternal life, then?? Jesus defines it for us:

“Now this is eternal life: that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom You have sent.” John 17:3

It’s all about the knowledge of God… that which I so desire… so I am pretty excited about eternal life :D because oh how I long for the knowledge of God… understanding that fuels my heart to love Him still more and more. And I figure that since God is infinite it would take eternity to search Him out… so that’s how long I want to have to do just that… and that’s exactly how long He gives me… *happy sigh*

Eternal life is to spend eternity growing in the knowledge of God and LOVING every moment of it… with the alternative being eternal torment in the presence of God (Revelation 14:10). Close… yet so far away… forever subject to His wrath. Eternal torment in the presence of the One who died to atone for our sins that we could instead experience eternal joy in His presence (Psalm 16:11). Either way we are going to exist forever in His presence… but it’ll either be eternal life or eternal torment… I want eternal life.

And even though I am fully deserving of eternal torment… Jesus was pierced for my transgressions, crushed for my iniquities… and the punishment that reconciled me to God was upon Him (Isaiah 53:5). When I was His enemy (Romans 5:10)… dead in my sin (Ephesians 2:1)… Jesus died that I could be with Him forever. I was dead in sin… but now I am dead to sin (Romans 6:2)… because He loves me… and so I love Him… because He loved me first (1 John 4:19)… and now I get to be with Him forever.

*happy sigh*

Here is a verse that does my head in:

“Jesus replied, ‘Friend, do what you came for.’” Matthew 26:50

This is the context… the man Jesus is calling ‘friend’ is none other than Judas Iscariot, who has just betrayed Him with a kiss. Jesus has been betrayed unto a slow and painful death on the cross… and yet still calls him ‘friend’. ARGH!! My little head can’t get around that. Proverbs 17:17 says that a friend loves at all times… Jesus loved Judas and called him a friend… even though this is the man who had just betrayed Him. What love is this??

And He calls us His friends… He chose us to be His friends (John 15:15-16). He has chosen us to be those who love Him at all times (Proverbs 17:17). He has chosen us to be those fully obedient to His will (John 15:14). Even though we chose disobedience in the garden (Genesis 3). Even though our hearts are inclined to love darkness (John 3:19). He has called us friends… calling us up and out of our love of darkness and disobedience and into wholehearted love and obedience. He called us out of darkness and into the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus (2 Corinthians 4:6). He delivered us because He delighted in us (Psalm 18:19)… even when we found no delight in Him. When we were His enemies He died for us (Romans 5:10)… because He loved us. Truly, there is NO greater love than this (John 15:13). And He says to us: you shall love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30). A commandment… a prophecy… the vision statement of my life

A third of the angels in heaven rebelled (Revelation 4:12) and He banished them (Revelation 12:8). No second chances. Yet all of mankind chose to rebel… and He refused to sit back and let us go. He so loved us that He sent His Son to the cross as an atoning sacrifice for our sins, that we might return to Him and be with Him forever (John 3:16). This is love (1 John 4:10)… and it is for us (Song of Songs 7:10). He has pursued us… He is so determined to love.

You can see it in His faithfulness to Israel. Even after all of her harlotry… the Lord Almighty will be her Husband (Isaiah 54:5). He is fully committed to redeeming her (Isaiah 63:9) and establishing her in righteousness (Isaiah 62:1). He is undeterred by her lack of love towards Him but keeps on loving faithfully… knowing that one day she will return and she will be glorious (Isaiah 62:2)… but only because of His love. Not because of anything she ‘earned’. But simply because He loves her.

I am so glad that God is exactly the way He is!! I LOVE that God is love (1 John 4:8)!! Love that is knowledge surpassing (Ephesians 3:19), an all-consuming (Deuteronomy 4:24) and unquenchable fire (Song of Songs 8:7)… all that directed towards me… and you… and everybody… longing for us to turn to Him… and love in return.

And yet so many don’t. And won’t. And yet somehow… He chose me to one who would love Him (Romans 8:28-29). I am so unworthy of His love… yet it remains for me… He considers me worthy of love… how could I not love the One who loves me so incomprehensibly much?? The One who knows my darkness more than I do… and yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). He sees rightly… and calls me lovely. Calling things that are not as though they were (Romans 4:17). Calling them into being… this One who spoke creation (Genesis 1). He calls me lovely… and so I am (in part…)… and so I will be.

Woooow… reading through again, this is full of bunny trails… Jesus’ love for Judas, Christians, mankind in general, Israel, me, you, everybody, back to me… my heart was overflowin’ with a good theme for sure… LOVE

Tonight after prayer (Wednesday night worship with the Word yaaaay!!) I was out in an icecream shop (I really like icecream :D as well as donuts. Once in Japan I had an donut with icecream in it. Oh, happy day!!). I was just a couple of minutes down the road from the prayer room, in the middle of the city we pray for so often… and a fight broke out (not in the icecream shop… but nearby). And my first thought was “oh, Jesus come back…”

When Jesus comes back He will establish His righteous government on the earth (Psalm 89:14) and bring an end to wickedness (Daniel 9:24)… no more brawls!! So when I pray for Him to come back I am asking for this. But before He comes back wickedness will increase (Matthew 24:12). And it’s not going to be like tonight in the icecream shop. I am not going to be safe because I don’t want to fight. Christians will be persecuted and put to death, and hated by all nations (Matthew 24:9). Yes, martyrdom does happen right now… but not at a global scale. Today in the country I live in, Christianity does not attract the death penalty. Me and my friend were praying in the icecream shop and nobody dragged us off to prison.

All that to say… things are going to get worse before they get better. So when I ask for Him to come back I am ushering in the full package… the increase in wickedness… but then His return. In His perfect wisdom, that is the way He wanted it… who am I to think I know better??

It will be glorious. The church is going to come out the other side clothed in righteousness (Revelation 19:8). A pure and spotless Bride… for the pure and spotless Lamb. With hearts burning with unquenchable love (Song of Songs 8:7). A people who will come out declaring “Hallelujah! Salvation and glory and power belong to our God, for true and just are His judgements” (Revelation 19:1-2). A bride coming up from the wilderness leaning upon her Beloved (Song of Songs 8:5).

It will be the darkest hour the world has ever seen… followed by an eternity of God dwelling with man (Revelation 21:3). Hallelujah!!

Soooo, in a nutshell… people fight, I pray for Jesus to come back, fighting and all other wickedness will increase (Matthew 24:12), the world will go nuts and try to fight God (Psalm 2:2)… and then Jesus will come back

All that in mind, my prayer remains the same… “oh, Jesus come back…”

… but I am feelin’ the need to be rooted and grounded in His love (Ephesians 3:17) so that as He shakes everything (Haggai 2:6-7) I will not fall away… my love will not grow cold (Matthew 24:12)… but that I would be found with the rest of the Bride: pure and spotless, with a heart burning with unquenchable love, declaring the praise of my just and true God, leaning upon my Beloved.

Loving other people… I can be pretty sucky at it.

In a way, I guess I find loving God ‘easier’… because I know that no matter what He loves me… just as I am… to love other people involves me opening up and letting them love me… means letting them see the darkness which I try to hide. And I still need to grow in revelation of the ‘dark yet lovely’ (Song of Songs 1:5) principle… but to some extent I ‘get’ it… enough to ‘expect’ it from God. But I honestly find it harder with people… it’s like I don’t trust them to find me lovely when faced with my darkness. And that hinders my heart from loving them… because I’m too scared to let them love me.

I think about this a lot… who am I to not love those God loves? Those He died for (John 3:16)… and I don’t show them love. And He has so loved me… oh that that revelation would cause love to abound in and overflow from my heart. And He commands me to love others (Luke 10:27). It’s right up there behind loving Him.

And it’s not just loving people who I expect to return my love… He calls me to loving my enemies (Matthew 5:44). Trying to love like He does… faithfully, even when met with unfaithfulness. Like Hosea and Gomer… like God and Israel… like God and me. This is how He loves… and I want to be like that. I want to do more than simply ‘accept and appreciate’ His love… I want to live it… to have it fill my heart and overflow into loving Him… and loving others.

Even if it ‘costs’ me (what love doesn’t??)… even if it would be ‘unreturned’… would being like Him, obeying Him, knowing He sees and knowing that even my weak efforts move His heart (Song of Songs 4:9) be reward enough. Would I find delight in the fact that I am loving… or at least trying to…

Would my love not be conditional… only offered if it’s going to be responded to with equal or greater love… that’s not how He loves, and I want to love as He does… for His love is perfect. And I want to be filled with confidence in His love. For knowing He loves me gives me strength to love others. Knowing that He loves them helps too Knowing that the love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19) is ever for me… the only love that will ever fully satisfy is already towards me… gives me strength to ‘risk’ not being loved in return.

Also, I want to be loved by others … but I am always waiting for the other person to be vulnerable so I can love the other person in their weakness… but they are waiting as well. So nothing happens. Argh.

And it’s not always as seemingly heroic as responding with love when being confronted with someone else’s weakness. What about being constant… always, always responding with love. No matter the circumstance. Big, small, if they’re your best friend, if they’re your enemy… always loving.

Wooow I am getting sleepy and rambly now… sooo goodnight

Today one of my tutors was saying how one thing he doesn’t like about ‘theologians’ (I took this as being synonymous with ‘Christians’… but I could just be oversensitive…) is that “… they ‘pick and choose’ the science they want to agree with.” And… well, I am not here to rant and rave in response to that… but I did, internally, as he said it don’t know if that’s a good thing… and if it isn’t, well, I am willing to be changed…

… I am getting off topic…

So anyway… his comment made me think. We (Christians) have reason to be choosy with science we agree with… but what we also tend to do which we have no excuse for is being choosy with which Biblical concepts we believe… not just ‘oh yeah I believe that…’ but having hearts that truly believe it, so that it impacts what we do. Not ‘believing’ as in hearing the word, but ‘believing’ as in we hear it and do what it says (Matthew 7:24)… no matter the cost. I know I am prone to being ‘choosy’ with God. Like, “I will obey this much because it doesn’t hurt ‘too much’… ummmm, but that’s a bit ‘too costly’…”

Argh!! How can I say this to the One who gave His only Son for me when I was His enemy (Romans 5:10)?? I want to take His word for what it is… and be transformed (Psalm 19:7). Not trying to change His word to fit me… but to let His word change me… that I would hear it and live it… all of it. Not just the bits that don’t seem ‘too hurty’.

… buuut I will continue to be picky when it comes to science… sorry Mr Darwin…

Ugh. I was sad in my lecture today… listening to speakers go on about lots of things… eg: how the Bible is just a book that people got their beliefs from in the Dark Ages, but in this day and age we know better… how we pride ourselves on being a community that celebrates ‘diverse sexualities’… and I’m thinking thoughts along the lines of…

• “No, I actually believe that all flesh and therefore human ‘wisdom’ is but grass… but the word of the Lord is what stands forever…” (Isaiah 40:6-
• “No, we do not need celebration of diverse sexualities… we need revival!!”
• “I just want to get OUT of this lecture…” etcetc…

I hate feeling powerless. At that moment in time all I can do is sit there and listen… well, I don’t really listen that much. But I sit there and I pray… because it’s all I can do. I pray because I’m powerless… but through my weak but sincere prayers, I can partner with God in what He’s doing in my university and in the whole earth… so I myself am powerless… but I can move the heart of the Lord God Almighty (Song of Songs 4:9)… I cry out and He moves (Psalm 18:6-9)… and so I pray…

Oh I am so grieved for these people… every single person in that lecture theatre was created to know God and love God… but so many don’t and are being taught that that’s the way they should be. And it pains me… they have NO idea of the love He has for them (John 3:16). The love that burns for them… yet will one day eternally burn against them (Deuteronomy 6:15) if they don’t turn to Him… and I get SO FRUSTRATED because I can’t make them love God. I can’t make them realise that He loves them. And I want them to love Him. They were created to love Him… and yet they don’t love Him… and He’s coming to judge the earth (Revelation 6:10)… but as in the days of Noah they’re not ready (Matthew 24:37-39)… He is so jealous for them… and that terrifies me… and so I pray…

Aaargh I’m currently feeling so powerless and voiceless… but I want to be a voice (Isaiah 40:3). I want to make known who God is and what is on His heart… I don’t have anything to offer Him but a willing heart… willing to be used by Him to make Him known. I don’t ‘feel’ like I’m doing that yet… but I am praying.

… I am not enjoying being at university … but despite that… this is where God wants me… ouch. It huuurts but I want to agree with His heart. Who am I to disagree with Him?? This is where He wants me to be… and so I want to be okay with that. I’m currently not… but I want to be… it’s a weak desire, but it’s there… and I know that counts before Him (Song of Songs 2:13). His will is good and pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2)… even if I don’t feel it… but I want to… because I know that the fact that He wants me here is not in contradiction with His love for me. It may not make sense to me, but it’s not His will that needs changing… it’s my heart. God help me…

… and oh, God… save their souls.

I have been hearing lots of talk lately about hell being disproven… and I’m thinking, ”how can you disprove a Biblical truth?”

So I biblegatewayed ‘hell’ and got 37 responses… haha, well actually only 34 of them were actually about the place hell, the other 3 showed up because ‘hell’ is part of ‘Hellenist’… sooo there is no question then that hell is Biblical, and is therefore a reality.

But if you don’t get your information from the Bible and instead rely on ‘human wisdom’ (1 Corinthians 2:4) I can see how people find it pretty easy to ‘disprove’ hell… with the arguments such as “the Bible says God is good… but a good God, a God of love, even… wouldn’t send people to hell so obviously the Bible is wrong… hell doesn’t exist.”

But I think that the reality is that instead of the Bible being wrong, our understanding of what exactly goodness is and who God is is what needs correcting. I believe that human ‘logic’ isn’t strong enough to defeat the ever-enduring (1 Peter 1:25), perfect word of the Lord (Psalm 19:7).

Oh, that this would be a generation who knows their God… loving all that He is… seeing the beauty in all that He is (Song of Songs 5:16)… Bridegroom (Isaiah 62:5)… King (Matthew 27:11)… Judge (Revelation 19:11… among others…)… and so on and so on ad infinitum…