Hello readers… I haven’t blogged in a while… but I have been hard at work studying/meditating on Song of Songs I am too busy/lazy to write a post right now, so here is a excerpt from my study notes…

His love is unfailing, unchanging and not reliant on her maturity or ability to love in response to His love. Even though she is immature and dark in heart (Song of Songs 1:5) He has already let her experience His love. His love that remains unchanged despite her weakness and unfaithfulness. He knows that she will fall short, despite the fact that she does have some revelation of His love. Yet He still chooses to lavish love upon her (1 John 3:1). For He delights in showing mercy (Micah 7:18). Though she is dark He counts her as worthy of love and He will be tenderly unrelenting until He has brought her forth into full maturity of love (Song of Songs 8). He sees the end from the beginning and knows who she will be. So despite her weakness and failings He does not give up on her. He goes again (Hosea 3:1), knowing that His faithful pursuit of her heart will awaken faithful love in her. For when she sees Him, she’ll be like Him (1 John 3:2). He is the One who shows her what love is (1 John 3:16).

*happy sigh*

Lately as I’ve been reading the Word and meditating on it and praying it back to Him… He has taking me just a little bit deeper into understanding of who He is and the greatness of His love… and my response has often been an awestruck “… really?” As in, ‘You’re really that kind? You are that merciful? Like, Your Word truly means what it says when it says all those incredible things about You? That’s really who You are??’ Not that I didn’t believe those things before, but it’s like they’re coming alive to my heart… and I’m so in awe that this beautiful God loves me.

And then I was a bit sad too… that so many (… and even sometimes my own little heart) buy into the lie that God is a mostly angry deity, looming over us full of hostility towards us, just waiting for us to slip up so He can give up on us, cast us out of His presence and into hell. But when we read the Word we see the truth about Him… that He is the One who delights in mercy (Micah 7:18), has compassion on all that He has made (Psalm 145:9), the One who is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness (Psalm 86:15), the One who carries His people close to His heart (Isaiah 40:11), the One who so loved the world that He gave His only Son that we could be with Him forever (John 3:16), the One whose love for us is so much greater than our hearts’ tilt towards sin, the One who remains faithful to us even when we are unfaithful, the One who judges in perfect righteousness (Revelation 19:11)… and so on and so on… I can’t write it all out, so go read the Bible…

I want to know truth about Him… I want to know Him as He is… I want my eyes to see the King in all of His beauty (Isaiah 33:17)… for He is too good to settle for believing less than the truth of who He is.

I am so in awe of God… this One who is love (1 John 4:8)… and loves me. The One who has searched me and knows me (Psalm 139:1)… who sees all the darkness and the unsettled issues… and yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). The One who knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11), the One who is leading me in paths of righteousness (Psalm 23:3), the One who allures me into the wilderness and speaks tenderly to me (Hosea 2:14)… that I would come up leaning upon Him (Song of Songs 8:5). The One whose great pleasure it was to create me (Revelation 5:11), fully knowing how many times I would choose disobedience and run after all those other things instead of into Him… and in spite of that loving me. Loving me even when I was His enemy (Romans 5:10). Loving me first… knowing that when I began to see His pursuit of me and begin to glimpse His love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19) I would love Him in return. I love Him because He first loved me (1 John 4:19).

This is why I was created: to love the Lord with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30). It’s more than a commandment, it’s my life vision… and what He is fully able and more willing than I can comprehend to bring into reality. Because it’s not about me gritting my teeth and making myself love Him more… it’s Him who is love showing me what love is, showing me the love He has for me and so awakening my heart to love Him still more and more. Him captivating my heart by opening my eyes to see still more of His beauty. He is the One who crowns me with love and compassion (Psalm 103:4)… the One who takes my ashes and gives me beauty (Isaiah 61:3). I don’t deserve it and I certainly could never earn it… and yet His love has been lavished upon me (1 John 3:1). He delights in showing mercy (Micah 7:18)… and delights in me.

What a beautiful God. I love Him … I love Him as best I can… in my weak-but-true way which somehow overwhelms His heart (Song of Songs 4:9)… *happy sigh*

Soooo… obedience. The Lord likes it (1 Samuel 15:22). He is the Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… that fact alone commands it. I like the idea of it, especially the idea of me living it 100%… but I often don’t like the fact that it can be hurty. And so I am so often so quick to choose disobedience because it doesn’t hurt (at the time anyway)… but, well, God is pretty good at ska-weeeeezing my little heart (aka. conviction)… or removing His presence beyond my ability to feel it (Song of Songs 3:1)… which also hurts my little heart… until I’m like “ow ow I’m sorry!!” and come running back and into His unending mercy (Revelation 4:3)… into the fact that because He loves me Jesus became the atoning sacrifice for my sins (1 John 4:10)… and then get caught up in the wonder that through no achievement or righteousness of my own I have been given right-standing before God (Romans 5:17). Be amazed that this God who knows me completely (Psalm 139:1)… sees the darkness yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Try to comprehend the love that caused Jesus to be pierced for my transgressions… crushed for my iniquities (Isaiah 53:5)… this love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19)…

In the face of this love… this grace that has been given to me… whyyyy would I want to disobey? To grieve the One who loves me so much and delights in me??

And yet I do…

But I am getting better. Going from strength to strength (Psalm 84:7)… even though I still am so weak… for He gives strength to those who have none (Isaiah 40:29). He is so kind. So merciful… delighting in showing mercy (Micah 7:18)… delighting in me… delighting in showing me mercy. Yes, I stumble… but He gives me strength to get up and keep plugging away (Job 4:4)… knowing that the stumbles don’t intimidate or overwhelm Him… yet somehow my little weak love overwhelms His heart (Song of Songs 4:9). Knowing that when I choose to get up again, to trust in His love, to set my heart on a pilgrimage (Psalm 84:5), to forget the other lovers and run after Him (Hosea 2:7)… it matters to Him. And I don’t have to cautiously come back… face a God who is frosty and distant because I ’surprised’ Him or ‘ruined all His plans’ by messing up again… no, I come boldly before a throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16)… and am met by Him running out to meet me as I come back (Luke 15:20)… and my mistakes and stumbles could never be so big as to cancel out His Sovereignity.

Now, I am certainly not saying that I have no need to try to obey completely… the Bible is clear that we are to make every effort to be holy (Hebrews 12:14), that He desires our obedience (1 Samuel 15:22), that there are definitely rewards for obedience (Psalm 149:19, Psalm 84:11… among LOTS of others…)… but until I get there… while I am still stumbling away… His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

He loves me, yes yes He does!!  *dancedancedance* … and so I love Him (1 John 4:19)… how could I not love the One who loves me so much??

And He loves you… and He loves everybody (John 3:16)… that is exciting!!

… also terrifying, when you consider His jealousy.

Sooo one justification I had for wagging uni was that it gave me more time for things of eternal worth… ie. studying the eternal Word of God (Isaiah 40:8). Buuut God blew that one outta the water last night during a teaching on calling… eg. internal (intimacy), external (ministry) and eternal. He reminded me that we get eternal rewards according to our faithfulness with even little things (Luke19:17)… on this side of eternity.

… including our faithfulness with rolling outta bed and into a lecture at a university that in accordance with His good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2) He wants you to go to. His will that remains unchanged despite loud protesting and frequent wagging on my end. (Oh, if you don’t know what ‘wagging’ means… it is apparently the same as ‘bunking’… I think… if you are American, anyway…)

Yep, I desire eternal rewards. As well as 100% obedience. And so I went to uni today.

Yay for me.

Yay for eternal rewards.

But most of all, yay for the God who delights in mercy (Micah 7:18), rewarding us for the obedience which is surely commanded by the very fact that He is the Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… rewarding us when He owes us nothing. He has already given us the most incredible gift of all… eternity with Him, through His Son going to the cross (John 3:16). But if that wasn’t reward enough… we get further reward. Even for faithfulness with the little.

Surely, no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him (1 Corinthians 2:9)…

… and for me for actually going (albeit doing a little internal kicking and screaming… my heart is very much a work in progress…) to university. It’s a small thing… but even small things mean so much to Him (Song of Songs 4:9)… and on top of the joy of knowing that even in my weakness I move the heart of God… I take heart in that He will reward me. I toootally don’t deserve it… but He will.

He is so kind

Yep, ’tis day 3 of the 30 day challenge…

I was pondering verse 1 yesterday, specifically this part: “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.” It reminded me of Jeremiah 33:3… “Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” Here are a few related thoughts I had:

1) we do a little… and then He responds with a lot

All John had to do was come up, and God would show him the things to come. All Israel had to do was call upon God and He would answer with great and unsearchable things. This also reminds me of Song of Songs 4:9 “… you have stolen My heart with one glance of your eyes…” The weak heart movement on our end results in a big heart movement on His end.

This reminds me again that it’s not all about me and what I can do… it’s all about Him. Without Him it all means nothing. Without Him it’s just coming up… and seeing nothing. Calling out… and being left unanswered. Glancing… and nothing responding. What He does in response to the little things we do is what makes them of any importance.

2) He rewards obedience (related to point #1)

He isn’t asking a lot in these Scriptures… just to come up… just to call to Him… and then He rewards by showing the things that are to come/great and unsearchable things.

He is the Lord God Almighty. That fact alone is reason enough to obey Him completely. He owes us nothing, all we deserve is eternal torment in Hell… but He delights in mercy (Micah 7:18). So when we obey Him… He rewards us!! The very fact that He is God commands obedience… we deserve no reward for obedience, it is simply the appropriate response… and yet He rewards us!! He is so kind!! It does my head in… praise the Lord that He is exactly who He is!!

Oh, that I would have a truly eternal mindset… considering eternal rewards better than instant gratification… and obey Him completely. And I want to know Him still more and more… this One who delights in mercy and loves unfailingly…

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23

Something God’s been repeating to me over and over again for a while now is ‘be faithful with little’ (Matthew 25:21) along with ‘don’t despise the days of small beginnings’ (Zechariah 4:10). He knows I need to be reminded… ‘cuz I tend to go a little crazy on the inside when I’m feeling small… but I am okay with being small if I know that even in my smallness I am an irreplaceable part of something bigger than me. It blows my little mind that the Lord God Almighty sees my little heart (1 Chronicles 28:9) inside of little me on little planet earth in this little universe that He measures with the span of His hand (Isaiah 40:12)… and even it’s weakest movements towards Him move His heart (Song of Songs 4:9). Praise the Lord that He is exactly who He is!!

If my small “I love You” moves His heart… I guess it can’t be that small then

… well, in itself it is. But His big response… the way He treasures every movement of my heart towards Him (Psalm 56:8)… the big way my little weak love moves His heart makes it ‘big’. It’s totally not about me and what I have to bring (or lack thereof), but about Him. His kindness makes me great (Psalm 18:35). His love for me makes my weak-but-true love for Him mean anything. I love Him for He first loved me (1 John 4:19). And His great love for me is the reason why my weak love can move His great heart at all.

I think I talked round and round in circles then. Maybe. I’m getting kinda lost in the wonder of it all

But back to small beginnings… I mentioned it briefly in the first paragraph and I want to expound a little

I tend to get so frustrated by the small beginnings but instead of waiting and being faithful until He chooses to entrust me with more (Matthew 25:23) I try to grab it for myself… thinking that I am wiser than God and so acting accordingly… but I am not wiser than God (Romans 11:34) so my attempts in my own strength fail (Hosea 10:13)… but His kindness remains and leads me back to repentance (Romans 2:4)… over and over and over… and then quietness and trust (Isaiah 30:15). Praise the Lord that He delights in showing His mercy (Micah 7:1 and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins (1 John 4:10). Because of the cross I can mess up over and over… but then truly repent and run back into Him (Hebrews 4:16), knowing that I am fully accepted (Romans 8:1) and knowledge-surpassingly loved (Ephesians 3:19). No ‘reacceptance probation period’… I am not rejected until I can prove to Him that I really do have it ‘all together’ (I don’t…). I am just met with unfailing love… which means more than warm fuzzies. God disciplines those He loves (Proverbs 3:12)… but He also allures us into the wilderness to speak tenderly (Hosea 2:14).

SO much love I love it. I love Him.

And He teaches me to not make the same mistakes again (Job 4:4). He takes my ashes and gives me His beauty… over and over and over… surely I am for His glory (Isaiah 61:3). Surely my weakness makes for a perfect display for His unfailing strength (2 Corinthians 12:9)… grace that is sufficient for take weak and broken vessels and display His splendour (2 Corinthians 4:7). So I may be feelin’ the small… feelin’ the ashes… but trusting when He promises beauty. He makes all things beautiful in their time (Ecclesiastes 3:11). And so I wait… doing my best to be faithful and love well. He is worthy of a beautiful inheritance… an equally yoked Bride, dressed in spotless white (Revelation 19:8).

The Bride of Christ also counts as something bigger than me that I am glad to be a part of

I sometimes get scared. I’m scared because what I want more than anything else is to know God and love God. And I grew so much in that when I was living in the context of night and day prayer… when my job was to be a singer, dancer and intercessor in a house of prayer. When I was surrounded by people who were just like me… who thought staying up all night blessing the Lord, seeking His face and crying out to Him was a great idea…

… and that is not my life anymore. The desire for God is still there… different context though. Now my job is in retail. I am now surrounded by people at work, on the train, in line for lunch… all of whom are loved by the Lord God Almighty and were created to love Him… and yet so many don’t… and don’t even know… maybe don’t even care. And that grieves me… and I do my best to live the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7). To expand my concept of worship beyond singing and dancing. To make working in retail worship. And I know worship is for Him… but I’m like “can’t I worship you in a way I enjoy??” and yet I know worship is for Him. And it’s His kindness that we can worship Him, and that we enjoy it. I want worshipping Him in itself to be my joy. Not necessarily the context/method/way in which I do it.

I will get back to being scared in a minute, but I’m on a roll…

I sit on the train reading my Bible and look up and look at the other people (not too obviously, I don’t want them to think I’m a stalker… yay for sunglasses :D… which is a little bit stalkerish really… hehe) and pray. I feel so burdened for these people. And so I pray… I pray for the ones that do know Him… that they would be strengthened and encouraged by Him to continue to live the Sermon on the Mount, to make Him known and glorify Him in the context He’s put them in and with the gifts and abilities He’s blessed them with. That they would know His love still more and more.

And I pray for those who don’t know Him. That He would open their eyes to see Jesus as He is. Beautiful… glorious (Isaiah 4:2)… the One who loved them enough to die that they could be with Him where He is (John 17:24). That they would love Him. I sit there reading Revelation and I’m thinking “this is real. And these people don’t know… don’t want to know… and aren’t ready… I don’t even think I’m ready… oh God, open their eyes… touch their hearts… do whatever… just save their souls. These ones that you love…”

So back to being scared… I am scared because now that I’m out of that context where I grew so much in the knowledge and love of God I am terrified that I’m not going to grow. Terrified. And yet I know that God wouldn’t have sent me back here (and firmly closed the door behind me…) for my love to grow cold. He wants me to love Him even more than I do… but all the same… I already see how I am starting to be careless, neglecting the vineyard (Song of Songs 1:6), getting frustrated because I see all this happening… frustrated because there is stuff I can do. I can schedule more carefully and make time. I don’t like that my job has to be retail. I don’t like that I have to go to university and study something other than God. But I can’t change those things. But there are things I can change… I am just trying to love and be faithful.

I don’t want to make my context a prop or an excuse.

Oh and you know what else scares me? Since being back here I have been struck by the reality that Jesus is coming back soon (this isn’t the scary part… this is the part I am longing for…)… so the world is about to go into the greatest lawlessness, darkness, depravity etc… I read passages about the end times and I’m like “this is really going to happen”… and so I am scared of being a foolish virgin with no oil in my lamp (Matthew 25)… and I think that the fact that I’m scared about it and don’t want that to be my reality will mean that it won’t be… but all the same, intentions are different to reality. And I am all too easily blinded to reality by my intentions.

Anyway…

I get scared. I get frustrated. I get upset. But am I growing in the knowledge and love of God?? When I know that perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). When I know that there is the peace of God which surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7). When I know that in His presence is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11). And I know that He has not pushed me away. I am not forsaken… I am not forgotten… I am still His beloved. His love for me does not change, no matter how I respond or how I feel. I will not let myself be offended. I want to love Him.

And after all of that… I realise that I can do nothing without God. So I pray my “God help” prayers… eg. help me to love You. Help me to make time for You. Help me to trust You… just help me… I am so in need of You… and I take heart. Because He loves me and He delights in mercy (Micah 7:18). He will help me. He sees my willing heart and it matters to Him. He knows that the Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41, Mark 14:38). He sees my weak but true love… and it moves His heart (Song of Songs 4:9). He is unrelenting. He loves me. He is fully in control. He is unchanging. He is love (1 John 4: and that love is for me (Song of Songs 7:10).

He loves you too and He loves everyone… I love Him

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” — 1 John 4:10

I had one of those days today. Those days where you feel like God turned up the ‘magnifying power’. When you’re seeing the dark, not so much the lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). The days where you have to quote ‘there is NO condemnation in Christ’ (Romans 8:1) over and over again… trying to believe it. The days when you’re feeling the frailty of the earthen vessel, so part of you doubts if there could really be any treasure inside (2 Corinthians 4:7). The days when you aren’t sure if you believe the prophetic words anymore because you’re like “… ummm yep I am too messed up for that to happen. So I guess I’ll let those ones fall to the ground…” The days when all you can pray is “Help me Jesus… help me. Help me.” When it is soooo easy to run to anything to distract yourself from the pain you feel over your own weakness. Sleep, food, Facebook, etc… and then you realise you ran to a whole bunch of things that don’t satisfy and then you’re like aaaargh and feel even worse…

Definitely one of ‘those’ days.

One of those days when you truly have to take God at His word when He says that He does delight in showing mercy (Micah 7:18). That you are dark… and yet so very lovely to Him (Song of Songs 1:5). And that although any righteousness of your own is as filthy rags to Him (Isaiah 64:6), you now have the righteousness that comes from faith in Christ (Romans 3:22). When you truly have to believe that what Jesus did on the cross is bigger than all your issues. That He is not intimidated by your weakness. That it’s not about your ability to make yourself ‘good enough’ for Him to use you or even love you, it’s about having a willing and humble heart before Him and doing your best to follow as He leads you… and trust that He is leading you in paths of righteousness… though you may feel like you’re walking through a valley (Psalm 23:3-4). Trust that He is fully committed and will be unrelenting until He has cultivated a heart of truth, humility and righteousness in you (Psalm 45:4). Trust in His unfailing love. Trust that His faithfulness to you is greater than your propensity to unfaithfulness. Trust that His love for you is greater than your sin nature. Trust that He is leading you into Song of Songs 8 and Revelation 19:7-8.

One of those days where you get to the end of it and think “who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning upon her Beloved?” (Song of Songs 8:5) and realise that although it felt crazy at the time… you do love Him just a little bit more, and trust Him just a little bit more… and that even one of ‘those’ days fits perfectly into His plan

I like to write songs… I’ve always loved music and singing… as soon as I could talk I was singing… preferably in public. Grocery stores, busses… life was a stage

And I love it when I find songs that are exactly where I’m at and I happily sing away… but there’s just something about writing my own… putting the cries of my heart to music. Those little things that are just me… and expressing them just the way I want to.

And I’ve been thinking lately… He is so kind.

I’ve always loved writing songs… I found praise songs I wrote when I was just a little tacker… maaaaybe 6 years old… they had little dots above words which you’re supposed to accent with a clap :D. Then during my ‘dark days’ (as my mother calls them) I wrote lots of dark and twisty songs, trying to put expression to everything dark and twisty on the inside… and yet I also wrote songs about God (three, to be exact). And not angry “why is this happening??” songs… but songs of hope. Songs about His love. I am SO sad that the songs about God got thrown out… I kept the dark and twisty ones for a while. But I recently threw them out too. But I wish I kept the ones about God. I think I can remember one of them…

Why have You blessed me with so much?

When every day I refuse Your touch

Still You love me… I know it’s true

So there’s one thing that I want to do

Sing for Jesus in heaven above

Sing for Jesus and His heavenly love

Sing with angels, they never stop

One day in heaven I’ll sing with all I’ve got

<Ummm can’t remember the next two lines…>

Perfect holiness I certainly lack

But I’ll follow You and never look back

Wow… I remember that makes me smile. So very simple (and I was very good at rhyming too :D). But I know now that it moved His heart. He heard my little song… He saw the weak movements of my heart towards Him… and it mattered to Him. So many dark songs… yet a few lovely ones. My heart was so dark… yet so lovely to Him (Song of Songs 1:5). And He delivered me… for He delighted in me (Psalms 18:19).

He is so kind… truly He delights in showing me mercy (Micah 7:18)….

After I took His gift and wrote dark and twisty things… after I threw out those songs I wrote about Him… after I promised myself I would never even sing again… after all that, here I am spending so long every day at the piano, singing my heart out to Him… and keeping these ones :). He is so kind. He’s teaching me how to write, how to play… how to let my heart overflow into song (Psalm 45:1)… He is so kind.

I love Him so much :)… and yet nowhere near as much as He loves me… but He’s teaching me. He is fanning the flames He stirred up.

I love Him because He first loved me (1 John 4:19)

This is love: not that we loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins (1 John 4:10)