Hello readers… I have been absent from the world of blog for a little while… busyness and lack of internet make frequent blogging pretty much impossible…

Soooo… what I have I been learning/meditating on during my mini-hiatus?? Well, as my regular readers would know by now, I like studying Song of Songs. A lot. Sooo I have been doing that. That deserves a *happy sigh*. One day I was having a “I’m feelin’ the dark… but not so much the lovely” day… but He is showing me over and over again that even in the face of my frequent stumbles and easily distracted-ness He remains faithful and still loves me more than I can comprehend.

So anyway… that day I noticed something that cheered me up… she is the one who calls herself dark (SoS 1:5)… but He only ever calls her lovely etc. Not that He doesn’t see the darkness, or that He’s okay with it being there… but He does not define her by her darkness. Her weakness doesn’t overwhelm Him, but her love does (SoS 4:9)… weak love… but true love. And so it counts before Him. And He is the One who is fully committed and fully able to bring her forth in love (Phil 1:6)… He sees who she will be and so declares it to her, calling her into it (SoS 4:1-15… among others…). Yes, they both know she is dark, prone to wander etcetc… but through it all she loves Him. Even when she rejects His call to the mountains… even when He withdraws His presence… and when she’s happy in His shade… she still calls Him her Beloved (see SoS 2:17, 5:6 and 2:3). Through it all… despite her weakness, unsettled issues, immaturity etcetc… she stills loves Him with her weak-but-true love that overwhelms His heart. So He calls her lovely. And it’s so beautiful to see her learn to believe Him.

*happy sigh* yes, oh yes… I like Song of Songs. Why?? Because I love God and He loves meeee

Song of Songs = my life story

Today I was talking to some of the people from the on-campus prayer meetings about the tension of being a uni student, studying up for some job in the marketplace… but deep down wanting to do ‘full-time ministry’… it brought up something I have been pondering a lot lately… in the post-IHOP, early commerce degree internal WARZONE (oh, the drama, the drama!!). I was a singer, dancer and intercessor in a house of prayer. My job was to worship and pray and fast and read the Word and sing and dance… and I loved it. And now I am here studying a degree that is frustratingly boring and that leads to a career that doesn’t hold any greater appeal… and but despite all my tears and pleading and kicking and screaming… I am still here… I can’t do what I want to do so I feel like I’m stuck doing what God won’t let me get out of. And in my immaturity and lack of understanding so I am prone to whinging to Him… “ohhhh but I just want to do fulltime ministryyyyy” *stomps foot*… yes, oh yes, my little heart is very much a work in progress. One which He is fully committed and fully able to bring into completion (Philippians 1:6)…

But when I lift my eyes from my circumstances and actually listen to what He has to say… I am reminded that in a way, no matter what our vocation is, as Christians we are to live ‘full-time ministry.’

• “You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.” Matthew 5:14-15
• “Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Colossians 4:5-6
• “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.” Acts 4:13

And so on and so on… obviously, this doesn’t mean that missionaries, pastors and the like are wasting their time… and I still don’t want to be an accountant… but even if I ended up as an accountant, I would still have sooo many ministry and evangelism opportunities. Water cooler conversations about God, doing all tasks with an excellence that brings glory to Him, interceding for my colleagues as they work in the cubicle next door etcetc… if full-time ministry and a life devoted to prayer, the Word, fasting and worship is truly what I desire to live, my vocation will never stop me from doing that. Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ (Romans 8:35-39)… and that’s what it’s all about. I don’t want to do this thing I call ministry because I like it in itself. I want to do it because I love Him… and I want to love Him more and live a life of love that directs other people into His love… whatever that looks like.

One thing I think I need in particular is a broader definition of worship… the true definition. I am so quick to shrink it to only include things like singing and dancing… and so if I am doing a uni assignment I act all grumpy because I just want to ‘worship Him’… coming up with a spiritual sounding excuse to slack off my uni work and go do something I deem to be of ‘eternal worth’… conveniently forgetting that we are called to do all things with excellence to bring glory to Him (1 Corinthians 10:31).

Yes, He loves it when I sing to Him… but He also loves it when I cry out (even in the midst of all my confusion and immaturity… dark am I, yet lovely [Song of Songs 1:5]…) ”God, studying accounting seems like the DUMBEST thing to do right now when You’re coming back so soon and I just want to love You more… buuut for some reason You want me here. I don’t get it but I trust You…” and plug away at an assignment, when I could be reading the Word… that matters to Him. It doesn’t make sense to me… if anything, it feels like He should be disappointed with me for doing uni work instead of being with Him… but no, He wants me to be faithful to that which He’s called me in this season. That which looks like a confusing waste of time to me looks to Him like His perfect plan unfolding. And I am so amazed that He loves me so much that my little life and little heart is not overlooked… I am not forsaken (Deuteronomy 31:6)… I am not forgotten (Isaiah 49:15)… I am His beloved.

Yes, I love Him and that makes me want to spend my days praying and reading the Word and fasting and singing and dancing… but because I love Him I want to obey Him fully, even when I don’t get it. I have to trust that His desire for me to love Him more is even greater than my own… that He wants me to know Him even more than I want to know Him… and that He knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11)… and is fully capable to bring them to pass. Whatever they looks like. Whether that means I end up as a fulltime missionary, a conference speaker… or a burning and shining lamp (John 5:35) by the office water cooler.

Count it all joy (James 1:2), he says!! Oh and “… I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances…” (Philippians 4:11) chimes in his buddy Paul. Oh and if that wasn’t enough, Paul also tells us to “… be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances…” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Yeh, well, what do you guys know?? You’re not a reluctant university student, doing a commerce degree against your will who just wants to be singing and dancing in a prayer room. Ok, Paul, it’s all well and good for you to tell me to count it all joy…

• you received forty stripes minus one from the Jews five times
• you were beaten with rods three times
• you were stoned once
• shipwrecked three times
• have spent a night and a day out at sea
• endangered by waters, robbers, your own countrymen, Gentiles
• endangered in the city, wilderness, at sea, among false brethren
• endured weariness, toil, frequent sleeplessness, hunger, thirst, frequent fasting, the cold and nakedness

– 2 Corinthians 11:24-27

Suck it up, mate!! I have essays to do, readings to trawl through, podcasts to endure, boooooring lectures to sit through… and you tell me to count it all JOY?? Mate, I’ll take the shipwrecks any day…

… I am totally kidding.

Sooooo… I need to complain less and trust Him more. To lift my eyes and fix them on Him, no matter how sucky my circumstances feel. I need to count it all joy, be content in all circumstances, be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances.

Not that God doesn’t notice or care about how much I hate being at uni… He knows all the reasons why I hate it… but He also knows all the reasons why He won’t let me get out… He knows the desires He put in my heart, He knows the gifts and abilities He’s given me, He knows the things I enjoy, He knows what fascinates me… and what makes me so bored I want to run out of a lecture hall SCREAMING!!… He knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11)… He has searched me and knows me (Psalm 139:1)… He created me… and He loves me. He hears my prayers, He sees every time I cry and treasures every tear (Psalm 56:8), He sees my confusion and distress… and yet even though He sees the big picture and is so much bigger than all these things that seem so overwhelming for my little heart… in all my distress He is distressed (Isaiah 63:9)… because He loves me.

He loves me… *smile*… that truth is enough to make me smile and feel just a little more peaceful even in the midst of a trying day at work or uni… enough to make me want to dance and sing all the time… enough to be transforming everything about me… enough to set my heart on a pilgrimage (Psalm 84:5)… enough to turn my heart from hating Him to loving Him.

And hey, I am fully deserving of hell… but now I get to be with Him forever, dwelling eternally in the fullness of joy in His presence (Psalm 16:11). I have to get through uni first though… but it’s better than hell

So back in the day… God created Adam and put him in the garden. What was Adam’s job? To tend the garden (Genesis 2:15). And that’s still our job. Not as in we have to go to the Middle East and start growing a physical leafy garden again… the garden we are in charge of tending is our heart.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23). We have been entrusted with that which is so precious to God… our heart. It was created to love the One who is love (1 John 4:8). Even in all our weakness and immaturity… our little dark hearts are so lovely to Him (Song of Songs 1:5)… and He has put them in our care… knowing that we won’t always do a good job… to quote the Shulammite: “… my own vineyard have I neglected.” (Song of Songs 1:6)

But He is so faithful to help us. For surely we are the work of His hands for the display of His splendor (Isaiah 60:21). And He who has begun a good work will complete it (Philippians 1:6). He is the One who looks with compassion on all our ruins and makes our deserts like Eden and our wastelands a garden (Isaiah 51:3). We can’t just grit our teeth and bring forth righteousness and mature love etcetc… that’s what He will do… if only we let Him. When we choose to pursue 100% obedience and follow where He leads. When we spend time fellowshipping with God, the Holy Spirit that dwells within us… the fruit of that will be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). I need a whooole lot more of ALL of those. I need some fruit trees in my garden

Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards… (Song of Songs 1:15). The foxes speak of little compromises… those little things that God is pressing His finger on… little, yes, but are still not in alignment with Him… ruining the garden. As dead flies give perfume a bad smell, so a little folly outweighs wisdom and honour (Ecclesiastes 10:1). Part of tending the garden is to get rid of those little weeds… “… let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles…” Hebrews 12:1

Argh. Looking at my own heart I’m thinkin’ I need less foxes and more fruit

I want a beautiful fragrance to arise from my garden… a heart overflowing with praise and love… He is worthy of nothing less.

Aaaaaaaargh. I used to have a really bad temper when I was little… and I’ve pretty much grown out of it… but ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I still have my moments. And today I spent the second half of a lecture trying to chill out from one such moment…

I love the Word of God… I can’t argue with it and win (Job 40:2). It is truth (John 17:17). And it pleases Him when I try to live it (1 Samuel 15:22). His Word chills me out when I feel that temper bubbling away underneath the surface…

Good ol’ Proverbs… gets you every time…

• A quick-tempered man does foolish things… (Proverbs 14:17)
• A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly (Proverbs 14:29)
• A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel (Proverbs 15:1
• Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city (Proverbs 16:32)
• Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered… (Proverbs 22:24)
• An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins… (Proverbs 29:22)

*siiiigh* my pride has to die. I want to be like Jesus.

“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!” Philippians 2:5-8

Ouch… I am currently studying obedience (worship with the word tomorrow night, yaaaaay!!)… and ohhhh hello conviction… praise the Lord that conviction is different from condemnation… and that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). The fact that I am convicted reminds me that He is fully committed to establishing righteousness within me (Isaiah 62:1)… not that He has ‘given up’ on me. Praise the Lord for His unrelenting, unfailing love… love remains for me, even when I disobey… but I want to obey. He who was obedient to death (Philippians 2:8)… because He loves me… I want to obey Him… because I love Him.

… pluuuus, He is the Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… that alone commands full obedience

I helped out with the kids ministry today… and I was discussing Hebrews 13:6 with two of the kids…

“So we say with confidence, ’The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’“

And part of our discussion went roughly as followed:

Me: “… so we can pray to God all the time and ask Him to help us and He will.”

Boy: “That’s not true.”

Me: “Why do you think that?”

Boy: “Because I’ve asked Him to help me before and He didn’t do anything.”

And ohhh that was heartwrenching… my heart went out to the little guy… he was so sincere about it and I was like “ohhhh…” on the inside (by the way, I did keep talking to and encouraging him and imparted some truth [yay for the Bible :D]) Buuuuut… I again realised how often I am so quick to doubt or get offended when it doesn’t feel like God helps me the way I want Him to. Argh working with little kids brings up your own heart issues, that’s for sure!!

I am grieved that I get offended at God… I cry out for Him to help me… and He does (*starts singing* Jesus loves-and-helps me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so…). Buuut I get offended and hurt and confused if He doesn’t help me in the way that I, in my weak understanding, think I should be helped… and yet He remains faithful and loves me no less… I am so in awe of His love!! Unfailing (Psalm 6:4), unchanging (Malachi 3:6), knowledge-surpassing (Ephesians 3:19)… everything I long for is found in Him. Argh it seems so clear now but my heart is sooo quick to forget. Oh, how I want to love Him like He loves me…

Ugh and I go on and on about how I feel misunderstood… when God is the most misunderstood out of anyone. Jesus, the One who laid aside His glory and came to earth as creation (Philippians 2:6-7)… all for the sake of love… was despised and rejected (Isaiah 53:3)… sentenced to a slow, painful and humiliating death by the very ones He loved enough to die for… truly there is NO greater love than this (John 15:13). Truly this IS love (1 John 4:10). He was misunderstood, even to the point of being despised enough to be killed… He was misunderstood then and He’s misunderstood now… even by people who love Him… like me … but He doesn’t say to us “you know what?? Forget you guys, you can all just go to hell…” He continues to love… and continues to show mercy… His kindness leading us to repentance (Romans 2:4).

I stand in awe of this love…

“… while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son…” Romans 5:10

“We love Him because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:10

I want to see God rightly. I want to know His love and have it made manifest in me… abounding in and overflowing from my heart. This is what I want out of my life… to know Him and His love (they are inseparable… He IS love [1 John 4:8]) and to make it known… God help me.

… and you know what?? He will

“You are fairer than the sons of men; grace is poured upon Your lips…” Psalm 45:2

One thing I get from reading this verse is that with every word He speaks to me comes the grace to walk it out. That gives me courage to press on when I’m feeling overwhelmed and being all “God… are You sure You know I can do this??” He will not give me more than I can handle… well, maybe more than I myself can handle (2 Corinthians 1:8). But I am not alone. He will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). He is high and lofty… yet is with the lowly (Isaiah 57:15). He has searched me and He knows me (Psalm 139:1)… He knows my limits… He knows that I am but dust (Psalm 103:14)… and so helps me. Oh the humility. He doesn’t need anyone else’s help… and we don’t really have anything to offer in and of ourselves anyway. But He lets us partner with Him in what He’s doing in the world (eg. intercession, evangelism etc.)… and then He also helps us in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16).

He really likes humility. He is humble… the Lord God Almighty, servant of all (Mark 10:45). That challenges me to like being humble… I’m not there yet. But I want to be… because He is. I need grace to choose humility… the very fact that I want to be exalted means that I should choose humility. I want to take Him at His word when He said “… whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” Matthew 23:12

Jesus went ahead of me. He was humble and obedient even unto death (Philippians 2:6-8). He did it… and so I can. He overcame, and so I can (Revelation 3:21). He is, after all, within me… the very hope of my glory (Colossians 1:12). He tells me to take up my cross and follow Him (Matthew 10:38)… He took up His cross first. He tells me to resist temptation… He was tempted in every way and yet was without sin (Hebrews 4:15). He understands completely… and is more than able to help completely… I need to learn to stop trying to lean on my own strength (haha or lack thereof…) and trust in His strength… the grace that is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9).

I believe that if it’s anything vs. God… God wins. That most definitely includes me vs. God. So when I read something in the Word I don’t understand I do not try to play around with it until it fits my little ideas and possible misconceptions about God. I don’t want to try and ‘change’ God to fit my ideas, I want Him to change me that I would be in alignment with the truth of who He is. I want to take His Word as it is… and let myself be changed. I don’t want to twist His Word to feed misconception… I want to allow His Word to shatter them and fill me with truth. Which really spurs me on to know the Word… and to know God. Not just what other people tell me about Him… but what God says. To be washed with the very water of His Word (Ephesians 5:26), proceeding from His mouth (Deuteronomy 8:3). I want to fellowship with the Spirit (Philippians 2:1) that searches the deep things of God (1 Corinthians 2:10)… the same Spirit that dwells inside of me (John 14:17). The very Spirit that proceeds from the Father (John 15:26) has taken up residence inside of me (Romans 8:9). That does my head in a little bit…

I want to learn from God who God is… for who is a Teacher like Him (Job 36:22)? And He is holy… there is no-one like Him (Revelation 4:8). He alone can fully comprehend Himself (Isaiah 40:13)… so I want to know God, according to God. Now I am not disregarding the importance of being taught by others… I do believe that the fullest expression of the spirit of wisdom and revelation (Ephesians 1:17) is in a corporate context (1 Corinthians 13:9-10). Haha I once went through a stage where I was all “I am not going to read books about God other than the Bible!! Why should I learn from anyone other than God who God is??” God is so tender… He gently corrected me… I’m sure He delighted in my heart (Song of Songs 1:5), but all the same, I was a bit deluded… but His kindness led me to repentance :) (Romans 2:4) He blesses me with so many people who reveal Him to me… whether they are preaching a sermon, the author of a book I’m reading, someone discussing the Word with me or simply a friend being a display of His splendour (Isaiah 60:21) just by being themselves.

But at the end of the day… I don’t want to live off other people’s revelations and encounters. I want my own… I want a personal history with God. I want my roots to go deep in Him. No amount of depth someone else has in the Lord will send my roots down deep. He’s coming and going to shake everything that can be shaken (Haggai 2:6)… knowing people rooted and grounded in His love (Ephesians 3:17) and the knowledge of Him doesn’t make me rooted and grounded. So I fast, I pray and I read the Word so that I can grow in relationship with God… and let that overflow into relationship with others… to spur other people to pursue God in their own lives. I want to be spurred on by others to go deep in God. I want to spur others on to go deep in God.

I want to learn from God who God is. I want to be one who chooses the one thing that is needed… to sit at His feet and listen to what He has to say (Luke 10:38-42). For surely He wants to make Himself known (Isaiah 65:1), and if only I seek to listen will He tell me great and unsearchable things that I do not know (Jeremiah 33:3).

I delight in red pandas. Giant pandas. Otters. Among many other things… but most of all the God who created all of it.

Delight… it’s delightful

I love that God actually finds delight in things outside of Himself. You think that if you were the transcendent in beauty Lord God Almighty, in the perfect community of the Trinity you’d have no desire to create more things to take delight in. But it was in accordance with His desire that He created (Revelation 4:11). And He liked it (Genesis 1:21). And He delights in us, His creation… enough to even become His creation and die for our sins (Philippians 2:8). For the joy set before Him He endured the cross (Hebrews 12:2)… He desires us… that we would be with Him where He is (John 17:24).

Love is beautiful

I want to know this One who is love (1 John 4:8)… this One whose name is Jealous (Exodus 34:14). I want to know this One who makes all things beautiful (Ecclesiastes 3:11)… this One who gives beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3). I want to see this One who is beautiful and glorious (Isaiah 4:2)… and be transformed. When I see Him I’ll be like Him (1 John 3:2). I want to be like Jesus… I want who I am to make Him known. If people are drawn to me I want them to be pointed to God. I want to display His splendour (Isaiah 60:21).

I want to be beautiful!!

… but not beautiful as defined as superficiality that fades (Isaiah 40:6) or comes off with a quick swipe of *makeup remover (Jeremiah 4:30). Not deceptive charm (Proverbs 31:30), flirty eyes (Isaiah 3:16) and foolish, fake laughter (Ecclesiastes 7:6).

*I am not taking a swipe at makeup and makeup-wearers. What I have a problem with is makeup being relied on for confidence in beauty… in my own life I have found it too easy to run to when I’m feeling insecure…

I want to have unfading beauty (1 Peter 3:4). The beauty of a heart fully confident and mature in love (Song of Songs 8). Most of all I want to be beautiful as in people interact with me and are directed to the beautiful God. I want to be beautiful in that who I am reveals Jesus… the One who is beautiful and glorious. I want to be a reflection of the beautiful, uncreated God.

… it’s a work in progress. But He makes all things beautiful in their time… inwardly He is renewing me day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16). And I don’t want to keep it on the inside (hehe if that’s possible)… I want to overflow. All the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control that He is cultivating in me (Galatians 5:22-23)… I want it to flow unhindered outward. That is beautiful.

I am definitely not there yet. But He is. He is so beautiful… I don’t even know. I just know that there’s so much more than the little I’ve already seen (1 Corinthians 2:9)… and I’m hungry for the ‘more’. And I want to be part of a generation hungry for the knowledge of God… and generation with a divine dissatisfaction… a holy hunger (yay for alliterations!!). A generation captivated by the beauty of the Lord, with hearts set on seeking Him out (Psalm 27:4).