Lately as I’ve been reading the Word and meditating on it and praying it back to Him… He has taking me just a little bit deeper into understanding of who He is and the greatness of His love… and my response has often been an awestruck “… really?” As in, ‘You’re really that kind? You are that merciful? Like, Your Word truly means what it says when it says all those incredible things about You? That’s really who You are??’ Not that I didn’t believe those things before, but it’s like they’re coming alive to my heart… and I’m so in awe that this beautiful God loves me.

And then I was a bit sad too… that so many (… and even sometimes my own little heart) buy into the lie that God is a mostly angry deity, looming over us full of hostility towards us, just waiting for us to slip up so He can give up on us, cast us out of His presence and into hell. But when we read the Word we see the truth about Him… that He is the One who delights in mercy (Micah 7:18), has compassion on all that He has made (Psalm 145:9), the One who is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness (Psalm 86:15), the One who carries His people close to His heart (Isaiah 40:11), the One who so loved the world that He gave His only Son that we could be with Him forever (John 3:16), the One whose love for us is so much greater than our hearts’ tilt towards sin, the One who remains faithful to us even when we are unfaithful, the One who judges in perfect righteousness (Revelation 19:11)… and so on and so on… I can’t write it all out, so go read the Bible…

I want to know truth about Him… I want to know Him as He is… I want my eyes to see the King in all of His beauty (Isaiah 33:17)… for He is too good to settle for believing less than the truth of who He is.

I am so in awe of God… this One who is love (1 John 4:8)… and loves me. The One who has searched me and knows me (Psalm 139:1)… who sees all the darkness and the unsettled issues… and yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). The One who knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11), the One who is leading me in paths of righteousness (Psalm 23:3), the One who allures me into the wilderness and speaks tenderly to me (Hosea 2:14)… that I would come up leaning upon Him (Song of Songs 8:5). The One whose great pleasure it was to create me (Revelation 5:11), fully knowing how many times I would choose disobedience and run after all those other things instead of into Him… and in spite of that loving me. Loving me even when I was His enemy (Romans 5:10). Loving me first… knowing that when I began to see His pursuit of me and begin to glimpse His love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19) I would love Him in return. I love Him because He first loved me (1 John 4:19).

This is why I was created: to love the Lord with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30). It’s more than a commandment, it’s my life vision… and what He is fully able and more willing than I can comprehend to bring into reality. Because it’s not about me gritting my teeth and making myself love Him more… it’s Him who is love showing me what love is, showing me the love He has for me and so awakening my heart to love Him still more and more. Him captivating my heart by opening my eyes to see still more of His beauty. He is the One who crowns me with love and compassion (Psalm 103:4)… the One who takes my ashes and gives me beauty (Isaiah 61:3). I don’t deserve it and I certainly could never earn it… and yet His love has been lavished upon me (1 John 3:1). He delights in showing mercy (Micah 7:18)… and delights in me.

What a beautiful God. I love Him … I love Him as best I can… in my weak-but-true way which somehow overwhelms His heart (Song of Songs 4:9)… *happy sigh*

Soooo… obedience. The Lord likes it (1 Samuel 15:22). He is the Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… that fact alone commands it. I like the idea of it, especially the idea of me living it 100%… but I often don’t like the fact that it can be hurty. And so I am so often so quick to choose disobedience because it doesn’t hurt (at the time anyway)… but, well, God is pretty good at ska-weeeeezing my little heart (aka. conviction)… or removing His presence beyond my ability to feel it (Song of Songs 3:1)… which also hurts my little heart… until I’m like “ow ow I’m sorry!!” and come running back and into His unending mercy (Revelation 4:3)… into the fact that because He loves me Jesus became the atoning sacrifice for my sins (1 John 4:10)… and then get caught up in the wonder that through no achievement or righteousness of my own I have been given right-standing before God (Romans 5:17). Be amazed that this God who knows me completely (Psalm 139:1)… sees the darkness yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Try to comprehend the love that caused Jesus to be pierced for my transgressions… crushed for my iniquities (Isaiah 53:5)… this love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19)…

In the face of this love… this grace that has been given to me… whyyyy would I want to disobey? To grieve the One who loves me so much and delights in me??

And yet I do…

But I am getting better. Going from strength to strength (Psalm 84:7)… even though I still am so weak… for He gives strength to those who have none (Isaiah 40:29). He is so kind. So merciful… delighting in showing mercy (Micah 7:18)… delighting in me… delighting in showing me mercy. Yes, I stumble… but He gives me strength to get up and keep plugging away (Job 4:4)… knowing that the stumbles don’t intimidate or overwhelm Him… yet somehow my little weak love overwhelms His heart (Song of Songs 4:9). Knowing that when I choose to get up again, to trust in His love, to set my heart on a pilgrimage (Psalm 84:5), to forget the other lovers and run after Him (Hosea 2:7)… it matters to Him. And I don’t have to cautiously come back… face a God who is frosty and distant because I ’surprised’ Him or ‘ruined all His plans’ by messing up again… no, I come boldly before a throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16)… and am met by Him running out to meet me as I come back (Luke 15:20)… and my mistakes and stumbles could never be so big as to cancel out His Sovereignity.

Now, I am certainly not saying that I have no need to try to obey completely… the Bible is clear that we are to make every effort to be holy (Hebrews 12:14), that He desires our obedience (1 Samuel 15:22), that there are definitely rewards for obedience (Psalm 149:19, Psalm 84:11… among LOTS of others…)… but until I get there… while I am still stumbling away… His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

He loves me, yes yes He does!!  *dancedancedance* … and so I love Him (1 John 4:19)… how could I not love the One who loves me so much??

And He loves you… and He loves everybody (John 3:16)… that is exciting!!

… also terrifying, when you consider His jealousy.

This verse belongs on the list of verses that do my head in:

“You number my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle; are they not in Your book?” Psalm 56:8

I was never big on crying… until I went to IHOP. Ohhh dear. Yep, I became a crier. No longer pushing emotions down and out of my mind… but allowed myself to feel. Fear, tenderness, frustration, repentance, joy etcetc… it all made me a bit teary. Still does… but to a lesser extent… and I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Whether it shows I have matured or my heart has gotten harder.

Buuut enough about me, I am here to blog about the verse…

Sooo… I like that. That God treasures my tears. That in all my distress He too is distressed (Isaiah 63:9). That even though He is so much bigger than all my problems that seem so overwhelming to my little heart… He is upset that I am upset… because He loves me. He cares about me… and so beckons me to cast all my cares upon Him (1 Peter 5:7). It is incredible enough that He even sees my tears and hears my cries (2 Kings 20:5)… but He even stores my tears and records my laments.

When it came to this verse I used to be… and, well, sometimes still can be… part of the “Bible-but Club” (yep, Stuart Greaves has a way with words…). For example I would think that “… the Bible says God stores my tears but… obviously it’s only when I’m crying about the ‘right’ things eg. feelin’ all tender towards Him, getting fresh revelation of His mercy etctec…” and somehow thought that when I was crying about things like me not understanding and being unable to see past something that was making my little heart feel overwhelmed He was disappointed in me for not understanding and so somehow my tears didn’t ‘count’ before Him… that those ones didn’t make it into God’s bottle. Believing that when I don’t “have it all together” my cries mean nothing to Him. Twisting the truth that His ears are attentive to the cry of the righteous (Psalm 34:15) to not include me… despite the fact that through Christ Jesus I now have the gift of righteousness before Him (Romans 5:17). Telling myself that He knows me better than I do (Psalm 139:1), and I am feelin’ pretty overwhelmed by all the darkness in my heart… so obviously He is mad at me too… forgetting that yet He sees the darkness… but He also sees the weak but true desire to fully love and obey Him… and so calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Forgetting that even when I was His enemy He loved me enough to die for me (Romans 5:10). Forgetting that any righteousness I work up in my own strength is still as filthy rags to Him (Isaiah 64:6), the Holy Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… forgetting that I could never ‘earn’ His love. I could never come before Him confident in my own righteousness… but I can boldy come before Him (Hebrews 4:16) because of His great mercy and His righteousness (Daniel 9:18)… the righteousness He has given me.

I need revelation of just how much he loves me… just how tender He is towards me even in my weakness… for my heart to truly believe all the time that my sin, weaknesses and all the little unsettled issues don’t overwhelm Him… yet one little weak glance ravishes His heart (Song of Songs 4:9)… and every little tear is seen… and treasured.

Sooo one justification I had for wagging uni was that it gave me more time for things of eternal worth… ie. studying the eternal Word of God (Isaiah 40:8). Buuut God blew that one outta the water last night during a teaching on calling… eg. internal (intimacy), external (ministry) and eternal. He reminded me that we get eternal rewards according to our faithfulness with even little things (Luke19:17)… on this side of eternity.

… including our faithfulness with rolling outta bed and into a lecture at a university that in accordance with His good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2) He wants you to go to. His will that remains unchanged despite loud protesting and frequent wagging on my end. (Oh, if you don’t know what ‘wagging’ means… it is apparently the same as ‘bunking’… I think… if you are American, anyway…)

Yep, I desire eternal rewards. As well as 100% obedience. And so I went to uni today.

Yay for me.

Yay for eternal rewards.

But most of all, yay for the God who delights in mercy (Micah 7:18), rewarding us for the obedience which is surely commanded by the very fact that He is the Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… rewarding us when He owes us nothing. He has already given us the most incredible gift of all… eternity with Him, through His Son going to the cross (John 3:16). But if that wasn’t reward enough… we get further reward. Even for faithfulness with the little.

Surely, no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him (1 Corinthians 2:9)…

… and for me for actually going (albeit doing a little internal kicking and screaming… my heart is very much a work in progress…) to university. It’s a small thing… but even small things mean so much to Him (Song of Songs 4:9)… and on top of the joy of knowing that even in my weakness I move the heart of God… I take heart in that He will reward me. I toootally don’t deserve it… but He will.

He is so kind

I was plunkin’ away at the keys the other day… I was just meandering my way around the Bible… singing things that caught my eye, cross referencing, exploring the what these verses mean, playing around with chord progressions… lingering at the keys as time slipped away… because He loves me and loves to hear my voice (Song of Songs 2:14)… and oh, how I love to sing my heart out to Him

And in amongst all of that, this verse caught my eye…

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone…” Psalm 62:5

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone. For in His presence is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11). Why spend life running around, trying to find happiness in anything and everything apart from God… when in the presence of the omnipresent God (Psalm 139:7) who dwells within me (1 Corinthians 6:19) and whom I can come boldly before (Hebrews 4:16) is pleasure forevermore. He has given me the gift of righteousness (Romans 5:17)… the gift of right standing before Him. I don’t have to try and earn His love… I don’t have to strive to be found worthy of love. For when I was His enemy He loved me enough to send His Son as an atoning sacrifice for my sins (Romans 5:10, 1 John 4:10)… and His love remains unchanged. Find rest, O my soul, in the One who knows me better than I do, yet still loves me. Sees all my darkness, and declares that I am lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Calling things that are not as though they were (Romans 4:17)… calling them out and into existence. The same voice that spoke creation (Genesis 1)… calls me lovely. And so I am. And so I will be.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone. The One my soul longs for (Psalm 63:1). The One who created me to long for Him. The One who will give me desires of my heart when I delight myself in the One whom I desire above all else (Psalm 37:4). The One I desire to seek and gaze upon all the days of my life (Psalm 27:4). The One who is holy (too many references to name just one…), the One who stands alone, transcending all others (Song of Songs 2:3)… in this One alone may I find complete rest.

I want to feel my need for God… and take it and run not to another but into Him. I want to be my heart to be aching with hunger for God… and not being satisfied with anything less. For only He can satisfy. And He will still the hunger of those He cherishes (Psalm 17:14)… stilling my hunger for Him with Himself… and yet leave me so much hungrier than I was… only to be satisfied again… and on and on and on… ever drawing me deeper. Surely, He will take me to Himself (Psalm 49:15). Though many a man claims to have unfailing love (Proverbs 20:6)… only in Him will I find perfect, unfailing, everlasting love. That which He has so graciously lavished upon me (1 John 3:1). Oh, that I would not become complacent… lulled into a false sense of security (Amos 6:1)… content with other lovers… why run after other lovers (Hosea 2:7) when I am relentlessly pursued by the One who is love (1 John 4:8)??

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone…

“Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.” Matthew 25:46

No matter what, we are going to exist forever. But Biblically, this eternal ‘existing’ is not synonymous with eternal life… eternal life is conditional…

• “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?” Matthew 19:16
• “… everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for My sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.” Matthew 19:29
• “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
• “Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life…” John 3:36
• “… whoever hears My word and believes Him who sent Me has eternal life…” John 5:24

Eternal existence… that which we all get… or eternal life… that which is only available through Jesus (John 17:2). What is eternal life, then?? Jesus defines it for us:

“Now this is eternal life: that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom You have sent.” John 17:3

It’s all about the knowledge of God… that which I so desire… so I am pretty excited about eternal life :D because oh how I long for the knowledge of God… understanding that fuels my heart to love Him still more and more. And I figure that since God is infinite it would take eternity to search Him out… so that’s how long I want to have to do just that… and that’s exactly how long He gives me… *happy sigh*

Eternal life is to spend eternity growing in the knowledge of God and LOVING every moment of it… with the alternative being eternal torment in the presence of God (Revelation 14:10). Close… yet so far away… forever subject to His wrath. Eternal torment in the presence of the One who died to atone for our sins that we could instead experience eternal joy in His presence (Psalm 16:11). Either way we are going to exist forever in His presence… but it’ll either be eternal life or eternal torment… I want eternal life.

And even though I am fully deserving of eternal torment… Jesus was pierced for my transgressions, crushed for my iniquities… and the punishment that reconciled me to God was upon Him (Isaiah 53:5). When I was His enemy (Romans 5:10)… dead in my sin (Ephesians 2:1)… Jesus died that I could be with Him forever. I was dead in sin… but now I am dead to sin (Romans 6:2)… because He loves me… and so I love Him… because He loved me first (1 John 4:19)… and now I get to be with Him forever.

*happy sigh*

These verses have been going round and round my heart for the past couple of weeks…

“This is love: not that we loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:10

“… when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to Him through the death of His Son…” Romans 5:10

… and tonight we were doing worship with the Word, all about the crucifixion (today is Good Friday)… and these verses continued to go round and round my heart… and sometimes even out into my singing.

I love this… that God loved us so much, even when we hated Him, that He sent His Son to die for our sins… the sin that we chose over Him back in the garden (Genesis 3)… and over and over and over again since. But He loved us… and still desired that we would be with Him forever (John 17:24). So Jesus died to reconcile us to God… that we could be with Him forever. We deserve eternal torment… yet because Jesus went to the cross, forever we can experience the fullness of joy in His presence (Psalm 16:11).

We are so loved

And so I live to return that love… in my weak-but-true way that moves His heart (Song of Songs 4:9)… *happy sigh*

Here is a verse that does my head in:

“Jesus replied, ‘Friend, do what you came for.’” Matthew 26:50

This is the context… the man Jesus is calling ‘friend’ is none other than Judas Iscariot, who has just betrayed Him with a kiss. Jesus has been betrayed unto a slow and painful death on the cross… and yet still calls him ‘friend’. ARGH!! My little head can’t get around that. Proverbs 17:17 says that a friend loves at all times… Jesus loved Judas and called him a friend… even though this is the man who had just betrayed Him. What love is this??

And He calls us His friends… He chose us to be His friends (John 15:15-16). He has chosen us to be those who love Him at all times (Proverbs 17:17). He has chosen us to be those fully obedient to His will (John 15:14). Even though we chose disobedience in the garden (Genesis 3). Even though our hearts are inclined to love darkness (John 3:19). He has called us friends… calling us up and out of our love of darkness and disobedience and into wholehearted love and obedience. He called us out of darkness and into the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus (2 Corinthians 4:6). He delivered us because He delighted in us (Psalm 18:19)… even when we found no delight in Him. When we were His enemies He died for us (Romans 5:10)… because He loved us. Truly, there is NO greater love than this (John 15:13). And He says to us: you shall love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30). A commandment… a prophecy… the vision statement of my life

A third of the angels in heaven rebelled (Revelation 4:12) and He banished them (Revelation 12:8). No second chances. Yet all of mankind chose to rebel… and He refused to sit back and let us go. He so loved us that He sent His Son to the cross as an atoning sacrifice for our sins, that we might return to Him and be with Him forever (John 3:16). This is love (1 John 4:10)… and it is for us (Song of Songs 7:10). He has pursued us… He is so determined to love.

You can see it in His faithfulness to Israel. Even after all of her harlotry… the Lord Almighty will be her Husband (Isaiah 54:5). He is fully committed to redeeming her (Isaiah 63:9) and establishing her in righteousness (Isaiah 62:1). He is undeterred by her lack of love towards Him but keeps on loving faithfully… knowing that one day she will return and she will be glorious (Isaiah 62:2)… but only because of His love. Not because of anything she ‘earned’. But simply because He loves her.

I am so glad that God is exactly the way He is!! I LOVE that God is love (1 John 4:8)!! Love that is knowledge surpassing (Ephesians 3:19), an all-consuming (Deuteronomy 4:24) and unquenchable fire (Song of Songs 8:7)… all that directed towards me… and you… and everybody… longing for us to turn to Him… and love in return.

And yet so many don’t. And won’t. And yet somehow… He chose me to one who would love Him (Romans 8:28-29). I am so unworthy of His love… yet it remains for me… He considers me worthy of love… how could I not love the One who loves me so incomprehensibly much?? The One who knows my darkness more than I do… and yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). He sees rightly… and calls me lovely. Calling things that are not as though they were (Romans 4:17). Calling them into being… this One who spoke creation (Genesis 1). He calls me lovely… and so I am (in part…)… and so I will be.

Woooow… reading through again, this is full of bunny trails… Jesus’ love for Judas, Christians, mankind in general, Israel, me, you, everybody, back to me… my heart was overflowin’ with a good theme for sure… LOVE

Loving other people… I can be pretty sucky at it.

In a way, I guess I find loving God ‘easier’… because I know that no matter what He loves me… just as I am… to love other people involves me opening up and letting them love me… means letting them see the darkness which I try to hide. And I still need to grow in revelation of the ‘dark yet lovely’ (Song of Songs 1:5) principle… but to some extent I ‘get’ it… enough to ‘expect’ it from God. But I honestly find it harder with people… it’s like I don’t trust them to find me lovely when faced with my darkness. And that hinders my heart from loving them… because I’m too scared to let them love me.

I think about this a lot… who am I to not love those God loves? Those He died for (John 3:16)… and I don’t show them love. And He has so loved me… oh that that revelation would cause love to abound in and overflow from my heart. And He commands me to love others (Luke 10:27). It’s right up there behind loving Him.

And it’s not just loving people who I expect to return my love… He calls me to loving my enemies (Matthew 5:44). Trying to love like He does… faithfully, even when met with unfaithfulness. Like Hosea and Gomer… like God and Israel… like God and me. This is how He loves… and I want to be like that. I want to do more than simply ‘accept and appreciate’ His love… I want to live it… to have it fill my heart and overflow into loving Him… and loving others.

Even if it ‘costs’ me (what love doesn’t??)… even if it would be ‘unreturned’… would being like Him, obeying Him, knowing He sees and knowing that even my weak efforts move His heart (Song of Songs 4:9) be reward enough. Would I find delight in the fact that I am loving… or at least trying to…

Would my love not be conditional… only offered if it’s going to be responded to with equal or greater love… that’s not how He loves, and I want to love as He does… for His love is perfect. And I want to be filled with confidence in His love. For knowing He loves me gives me strength to love others. Knowing that He loves them helps too Knowing that the love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19) is ever for me… the only love that will ever fully satisfy is already towards me… gives me strength to ‘risk’ not being loved in return.

Also, I want to be loved by others … but I am always waiting for the other person to be vulnerable so I can love the other person in their weakness… but they are waiting as well. So nothing happens. Argh.

And it’s not always as seemingly heroic as responding with love when being confronted with someone else’s weakness. What about being constant… always, always responding with love. No matter the circumstance. Big, small, if they’re your best friend, if they’re your enemy… always loving.

Wooow I am getting sleepy and rambly now… sooo goodnight