Hello readers… I have been absent from the world of blog for a little while… busyness and lack of internet make frequent blogging pretty much impossible…

Soooo… what I have I been learning/meditating on during my mini-hiatus?? Well, as my regular readers would know by now, I like studying Song of Songs. A lot. Sooo I have been doing that. That deserves a *happy sigh*. One day I was having a “I’m feelin’ the dark… but not so much the lovely” day… but He is showing me over and over again that even in the face of my frequent stumbles and easily distracted-ness He remains faithful and still loves me more than I can comprehend.

So anyway… that day I noticed something that cheered me up… she is the one who calls herself dark (SoS 1:5)… but He only ever calls her lovely etc. Not that He doesn’t see the darkness, or that He’s okay with it being there… but He does not define her by her darkness. Her weakness doesn’t overwhelm Him, but her love does (SoS 4:9)… weak love… but true love. And so it counts before Him. And He is the One who is fully committed and fully able to bring her forth in love (Phil 1:6)… He sees who she will be and so declares it to her, calling her into it (SoS 4:1-15… among others…). Yes, they both know she is dark, prone to wander etcetc… but through it all she loves Him. Even when she rejects His call to the mountains… even when He withdraws His presence… and when she’s happy in His shade… she still calls Him her Beloved (see SoS 2:17, 5:6 and 2:3). Through it all… despite her weakness, unsettled issues, immaturity etcetc… she stills loves Him with her weak-but-true love that overwhelms His heart. So He calls her lovely. And it’s so beautiful to see her learn to believe Him.

*happy sigh* yes, oh yes… I like Song of Songs. Why?? Because I love God and He loves meeee

Song of Songs = my life story

Today I was talking to some of the people from the on-campus prayer meetings about the tension of being a uni student, studying up for some job in the marketplace… but deep down wanting to do ‘full-time ministry’… it brought up something I have been pondering a lot lately… in the post-IHOP, early commerce degree internal WARZONE (oh, the drama, the drama!!). I was a singer, dancer and intercessor in a house of prayer. My job was to worship and pray and fast and read the Word and sing and dance… and I loved it. And now I am here studying a degree that is frustratingly boring and that leads to a career that doesn’t hold any greater appeal… and but despite all my tears and pleading and kicking and screaming… I am still here… I can’t do what I want to do so I feel like I’m stuck doing what God won’t let me get out of. And in my immaturity and lack of understanding so I am prone to whinging to Him… “ohhhh but I just want to do fulltime ministryyyyy” *stomps foot*… yes, oh yes, my little heart is very much a work in progress. One which He is fully committed and fully able to bring into completion (Philippians 1:6)…

But when I lift my eyes from my circumstances and actually listen to what He has to say… I am reminded that in a way, no matter what our vocation is, as Christians we are to live ‘full-time ministry.’

• “You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.” Matthew 5:14-15
• “Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Colossians 4:5-6
• “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.” Acts 4:13

And so on and so on… obviously, this doesn’t mean that missionaries, pastors and the like are wasting their time… and I still don’t want to be an accountant… but even if I ended up as an accountant, I would still have sooo many ministry and evangelism opportunities. Water cooler conversations about God, doing all tasks with an excellence that brings glory to Him, interceding for my colleagues as they work in the cubicle next door etcetc… if full-time ministry and a life devoted to prayer, the Word, fasting and worship is truly what I desire to live, my vocation will never stop me from doing that. Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ (Romans 8:35-39)… and that’s what it’s all about. I don’t want to do this thing I call ministry because I like it in itself. I want to do it because I love Him… and I want to love Him more and live a life of love that directs other people into His love… whatever that looks like.

One thing I think I need in particular is a broader definition of worship… the true definition. I am so quick to shrink it to only include things like singing and dancing… and so if I am doing a uni assignment I act all grumpy because I just want to ‘worship Him’… coming up with a spiritual sounding excuse to slack off my uni work and go do something I deem to be of ‘eternal worth’… conveniently forgetting that we are called to do all things with excellence to bring glory to Him (1 Corinthians 10:31).

Yes, He loves it when I sing to Him… but He also loves it when I cry out (even in the midst of all my confusion and immaturity… dark am I, yet lovely [Song of Songs 1:5]…) ”God, studying accounting seems like the DUMBEST thing to do right now when You’re coming back so soon and I just want to love You more… buuut for some reason You want me here. I don’t get it but I trust You…” and plug away at an assignment, when I could be reading the Word… that matters to Him. It doesn’t make sense to me… if anything, it feels like He should be disappointed with me for doing uni work instead of being with Him… but no, He wants me to be faithful to that which He’s called me in this season. That which looks like a confusing waste of time to me looks to Him like His perfect plan unfolding. And I am so amazed that He loves me so much that my little life and little heart is not overlooked… I am not forsaken (Deuteronomy 31:6)… I am not forgotten (Isaiah 49:15)… I am His beloved.

Yes, I love Him and that makes me want to spend my days praying and reading the Word and fasting and singing and dancing… but because I love Him I want to obey Him fully, even when I don’t get it. I have to trust that His desire for me to love Him more is even greater than my own… that He wants me to know Him even more than I want to know Him… and that He knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11)… and is fully capable to bring them to pass. Whatever they looks like. Whether that means I end up as a fulltime missionary, a conference speaker… or a burning and shining lamp (John 5:35) by the office water cooler.

Lately as I’ve been reading the Word and meditating on it and praying it back to Him… He has taking me just a little bit deeper into understanding of who He is and the greatness of His love… and my response has often been an awestruck “… really?” As in, ‘You’re really that kind? You are that merciful? Like, Your Word truly means what it says when it says all those incredible things about You? That’s really who You are??’ Not that I didn’t believe those things before, but it’s like they’re coming alive to my heart… and I’m so in awe that this beautiful God loves me.

And then I was a bit sad too… that so many (… and even sometimes my own little heart) buy into the lie that God is a mostly angry deity, looming over us full of hostility towards us, just waiting for us to slip up so He can give up on us, cast us out of His presence and into hell. But when we read the Word we see the truth about Him… that He is the One who delights in mercy (Micah 7:18), has compassion on all that He has made (Psalm 145:9), the One who is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness (Psalm 86:15), the One who carries His people close to His heart (Isaiah 40:11), the One who so loved the world that He gave His only Son that we could be with Him forever (John 3:16), the One whose love for us is so much greater than our hearts’ tilt towards sin, the One who remains faithful to us even when we are unfaithful, the One who judges in perfect righteousness (Revelation 19:11)… and so on and so on… I can’t write it all out, so go read the Bible…

I want to know truth about Him… I want to know Him as He is… I want my eyes to see the King in all of His beauty (Isaiah 33:17)… for He is too good to settle for believing less than the truth of who He is.

We dance to this song in my contemporary class… I love it!! Snaps for Shawn McDonald…

Speaking of dance… I am going to Sydney to dance in a ministry thingo called Project Dance… it’s Christian dancers from all over the world dancing outside in Sydney (as well as New York, Atlanta and Hong Kong)… and people can just walk by and watch… and there will be evangelists out in the crowd talking to the people who stop to watch… ooooh I am SO excited!!

So please pray 2 Thessalonians 3:1 for us… “… that the word of the Lord may run swiftly and be glorified…” … or pray for us that the word of the Lord may be danced beautifully and be glorified

Have a good look at Genesis 1… ever noticed that God said let there be light and there was light… but it wasn’t until a couple of days later that He made the sun?? Sooo… where’d the light exude from??

I thought that last night as I read Genesis 1… and felt it was blogworthy… but I don’t have time right now because I am going to dance class so chew on that, maybe comment your thoughts/answers… and I will blog my thoughts in a couple days (note: I said my thoughts, not answers…)

Peace out haha that’s a funny phrase… ohhh dear I am in a silly mood… dancing makes me happy and so does God!!

So this weekend I was flipping through the newspaper’s weekly magazine and one article caught and held my attention… in a nutshell, it’s about how the convents are running out of nuns because all the women are getting older and no young people are joining. But the thing that most made me go ‘wow’ is a quote from one of the nuns at the end of the article:

Sister Nora puts it a little more bluntly. “People think we’ve wasted our lives,” she says.

The table is drawn to silence as the nuns turn towards her.

“That occurred to me at the centenary celebration, when we were at Mass and they were telling the story of Mary Magdalene washing Jesus with the perfume and they said, ‘What a waste, why would she waste the perfume?’ And it really crystallised for me at that moment: that is what people think about us, that we wasted our lives.”

… Sister Nora speaks again: “I don’t think my life has been wasted.”

– extract from the West Weekend Magazine article At the Crossroads

I am not saying that I am about to go convert to Catholicism and join a convent… but something about the life of dedication they live so appeals to me. Because I want to live a simple lifestyle all about seeking Jesus through meditation on the Word and being as He is, a servant of all (Matthew 20:28)… a life that may appear wasted to a world chasing after all those other things… a life given to seeking the one thing needed (Luke 10:42), the one thing I desire (Psalm 27:4)… a life ‘wasted’ at the feet of Jesus… and encountering Him there, listening to what He has to say (Luke 10:39) and being full of joy at the sound of His voice (John 3:29)… and being able to confidently say “I don’t think my life has been wasted.” Whatever that looks like. Whether that looks like sitting in a prayer room or being an accountant who loves Jesus or anything else God has planned for me… no matter what, I want to be found with oil in my lamp (Matthew 25:4), with the first and second commandments as the reality of my heart (Mark 12:30-31), the Sermon on the Mount as my lifestyle (Matthew 5-7)…

Weeell… I don’t know where this post is going, and I have an assignment to work on so I’m going to stop blogging… buuut at any rate, I read the quote and went ‘wow’. So I thought I would share my ‘wow’ with my readers and random websurfers

Count it all joy (James 1:2), he says!! Oh and “… I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances…” (Philippians 4:11) chimes in his buddy Paul. Oh and if that wasn’t enough, Paul also tells us to “… be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances…” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Yeh, well, what do you guys know?? You’re not a reluctant university student, doing a commerce degree against your will who just wants to be singing and dancing in a prayer room. Ok, Paul, it’s all well and good for you to tell me to count it all joy…

• you received forty stripes minus one from the Jews five times
• you were beaten with rods three times
• you were stoned once
• shipwrecked three times
• have spent a night and a day out at sea
• endangered by waters, robbers, your own countrymen, Gentiles
• endangered in the city, wilderness, at sea, among false brethren
• endured weariness, toil, frequent sleeplessness, hunger, thirst, frequent fasting, the cold and nakedness

– 2 Corinthians 11:24-27

Suck it up, mate!! I have essays to do, readings to trawl through, podcasts to endure, boooooring lectures to sit through… and you tell me to count it all JOY?? Mate, I’ll take the shipwrecks any day…

… I am totally kidding.

Sooooo… I need to complain less and trust Him more. To lift my eyes and fix them on Him, no matter how sucky my circumstances feel. I need to count it all joy, be content in all circumstances, be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances.

Not that God doesn’t notice or care about how much I hate being at uni… He knows all the reasons why I hate it… but He also knows all the reasons why He won’t let me get out… He knows the desires He put in my heart, He knows the gifts and abilities He’s given me, He knows the things I enjoy, He knows what fascinates me… and what makes me so bored I want to run out of a lecture hall SCREAMING!!… He knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11)… He has searched me and knows me (Psalm 139:1)… He created me… and He loves me. He hears my prayers, He sees every time I cry and treasures every tear (Psalm 56:8), He sees my confusion and distress… and yet even though He sees the big picture and is so much bigger than all these things that seem so overwhelming for my little heart… in all my distress He is distressed (Isaiah 63:9)… because He loves me.

He loves me… *smile*… that truth is enough to make me smile and feel just a little more peaceful even in the midst of a trying day at work or uni… enough to make me want to dance and sing all the time… enough to be transforming everything about me… enough to set my heart on a pilgrimage (Psalm 84:5)… enough to turn my heart from hating Him to loving Him.

And hey, I am fully deserving of hell… but now I get to be with Him forever, dwelling eternally in the fullness of joy in His presence (Psalm 16:11). I have to get through uni first though… but it’s better than hell

I am so in awe of God… this One who is love (1 John 4:8)… and loves me. The One who has searched me and knows me (Psalm 139:1)… who sees all the darkness and the unsettled issues… and yet calls me lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). The One who knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11), the One who is leading me in paths of righteousness (Psalm 23:3), the One who allures me into the wilderness and speaks tenderly to me (Hosea 2:14)… that I would come up leaning upon Him (Song of Songs 8:5). The One whose great pleasure it was to create me (Revelation 5:11), fully knowing how many times I would choose disobedience and run after all those other things instead of into Him… and in spite of that loving me. Loving me even when I was His enemy (Romans 5:10). Loving me first… knowing that when I began to see His pursuit of me and begin to glimpse His love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19) I would love Him in return. I love Him because He first loved me (1 John 4:19).

This is why I was created: to love the Lord with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30). It’s more than a commandment, it’s my life vision… and what He is fully able and more willing than I can comprehend to bring into reality. Because it’s not about me gritting my teeth and making myself love Him more… it’s Him who is love showing me what love is, showing me the love He has for me and so awakening my heart to love Him still more and more. Him captivating my heart by opening my eyes to see still more of His beauty. He is the One who crowns me with love and compassion (Psalm 103:4)… the One who takes my ashes and gives me beauty (Isaiah 61:3). I don’t deserve it and I certainly could never earn it… and yet His love has been lavished upon me (1 John 3:1). He delights in showing mercy (Micah 7:18)… and delights in me.

What a beautiful God. I love Him … I love Him as best I can… in my weak-but-true way which somehow overwhelms His heart (Song of Songs 4:9)… *happy sigh*

Soooo… this is pretty much my favourite song at the moment… haha sorry about the Spanish subtitles and sometimes odd slideshow (I don’t understand the significance of long lines of people holding hands…), but it was the only way I could get the song actually on here…

• “… apart from Me you can do nothing.” John 15:5
• “Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.” Psalm 40:17
• “The Lord hears the needy and does not despise His captive people.” Psalm 69:33
• “The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, He saved me.” Psalm 116:6

I like John 15:5. Apart from Him we can do NOTHING. I’m clinging to that truth… and running into Him when I’m feeling overwhelmed by my weakness… and humbling myself when I’m feeling like I’ve got it all together in my own strength.

But lately I’ve been feeling more overwhelmed than having it all together. Taking a long hard look at the choices He’s put infront of me about a whole bunch of things, consequences of choosing either option, confusion over what His will is, meeting my inability to know what is His voice and will, feelin’ torn between obedience, wisdom and desire… and feelin’ overwhelmed…

And yet, in my weakness His strength is made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9). And He sees past the weakness and treasures the heart that desires to love and obey Him completely… He delights in it… says that I am dark yet lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). And He knows, even more than I am discovering, that I can do nothing without Him (John 15:5). And He wants me to love and obey Him even more than I want to. And I ask Him to help me… and so He will. He will. He is the God who saves (Psalm 68:20)… the God who delivers me because He delights in me (Psalm 18:19)… and strengthens my feeble knees (Job 4:4) and helps me run after Him… even when I feel able to do no more than curl up into a ball and cry. But by the grace He’s given me I choose to not cry about my weakness but rejoice in His strength…

… and spend all day singing this song… my life is a musical, for sure…

ps. everyone loves a good “na na na na na na na…” at least I do…

I like animals I often get sad in nature documentaries when the lion is chasing the zebra and I’m like “RUN little zebra RUUUUUUN!!”

Although… if the lion doesn’t get the zebra it will die instead. Lions should be vegetarian.

And the other day I saw a bumper sticker that says “extinction is forever” and had a picture of a humpback whales. I like them too but it got me thinking… is extinction really forever… will the extinct animals be around in the Millenial Kingdom??

There will be animals there (Isaiah 11:6-8)… but He’s making all things new… new heaven, new earth (Isaiah 65:17)… new animals?? That could be fun or will the old animals that we made extinct come back?? I wonder…

Oh but the zebra will be safe from the lion in the Millenial Kingdom (Isaiah 11:9). Hooray!!