Today I was talking to some of the people from the on-campus prayer meetings about the tension of being a uni student, studying up for some job in the marketplace… but deep down wanting to do ‘full-time ministry’… it brought up something I have been pondering a lot lately… in the post-IHOP, early commerce degree internal WARZONE (oh, the drama, the drama!!). I was a singer, dancer and intercessor in a house of prayer. My job was to worship and pray and fast and read the Word and sing and dance… and I loved it. And now I am here studying a degree that is frustratingly boring and that leads to a career that doesn’t hold any greater appeal… and but despite all my tears and pleading and kicking and screaming… I am still here… I can’t do what I want to do so I feel like I’m stuck doing what God won’t let me get out of. And in my immaturity and lack of understanding so I am prone to whinging to Him… “ohhhh but I just want to do fulltime ministryyyyy” *stomps foot*… yes, oh yes, my little heart is very much a work in progress. One which He is fully committed and fully able to bring into completion (Philippians 1:6)…

But when I lift my eyes from my circumstances and actually listen to what He has to say… I am reminded that in a way, no matter what our vocation is, as Christians we are to live ‘full-time ministry.’

• “You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.” Matthew 5:14-15
• “Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Colossians 4:5-6
• “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.” Acts 4:13

And so on and so on… obviously, this doesn’t mean that missionaries, pastors and the like are wasting their time… and I still don’t want to be an accountant… but even if I ended up as an accountant, I would still have sooo many ministry and evangelism opportunities. Water cooler conversations about God, doing all tasks with an excellence that brings glory to Him, interceding for my colleagues as they work in the cubicle next door etcetc… if full-time ministry and a life devoted to prayer, the Word, fasting and worship is truly what I desire to live, my vocation will never stop me from doing that. Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ (Romans 8:35-39)… and that’s what it’s all about. I don’t want to do this thing I call ministry because I like it in itself. I want to do it because I love Him… and I want to love Him more and live a life of love that directs other people into His love… whatever that looks like.

One thing I think I need in particular is a broader definition of worship… the true definition. I am so quick to shrink it to only include things like singing and dancing… and so if I am doing a uni assignment I act all grumpy because I just want to ‘worship Him’… coming up with a spiritual sounding excuse to slack off my uni work and go do something I deem to be of ‘eternal worth’… conveniently forgetting that we are called to do all things with excellence to bring glory to Him (1 Corinthians 10:31).

Yes, He loves it when I sing to Him… but He also loves it when I cry out (even in the midst of all my confusion and immaturity… dark am I, yet lovely [Song of Songs 1:5]…) ”God, studying accounting seems like the DUMBEST thing to do right now when You’re coming back so soon and I just want to love You more… buuut for some reason You want me here. I don’t get it but I trust You…” and plug away at an assignment, when I could be reading the Word… that matters to Him. It doesn’t make sense to me… if anything, it feels like He should be disappointed with me for doing uni work instead of being with Him… but no, He wants me to be faithful to that which He’s called me in this season. That which looks like a confusing waste of time to me looks to Him like His perfect plan unfolding. And I am so amazed that He loves me so much that my little life and little heart is not overlooked… I am not forsaken (Deuteronomy 31:6)… I am not forgotten (Isaiah 49:15)… I am His beloved.

Yes, I love Him and that makes me want to spend my days praying and reading the Word and fasting and singing and dancing… but because I love Him I want to obey Him fully, even when I don’t get it. I have to trust that His desire for me to love Him more is even greater than my own… that He wants me to know Him even more than I want to know Him… and that He knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11)… and is fully capable to bring them to pass. Whatever they looks like. Whether that means I end up as a fulltime missionary, a conference speaker… or a burning and shining lamp (John 5:35) by the office water cooler.

Count it all joy (James 1:2), he says!! Oh and “… I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances…” (Philippians 4:11) chimes in his buddy Paul. Oh and if that wasn’t enough, Paul also tells us to “… be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances…” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Yeh, well, what do you guys know?? You’re not a reluctant university student, doing a commerce degree against your will who just wants to be singing and dancing in a prayer room. Ok, Paul, it’s all well and good for you to tell me to count it all joy…

• you received forty stripes minus one from the Jews five times
• you were beaten with rods three times
• you were stoned once
• shipwrecked three times
• have spent a night and a day out at sea
• endangered by waters, robbers, your own countrymen, Gentiles
• endangered in the city, wilderness, at sea, among false brethren
• endured weariness, toil, frequent sleeplessness, hunger, thirst, frequent fasting, the cold and nakedness

– 2 Corinthians 11:24-27

Suck it up, mate!! I have essays to do, readings to trawl through, podcasts to endure, boooooring lectures to sit through… and you tell me to count it all JOY?? Mate, I’ll take the shipwrecks any day…

… I am totally kidding.

Sooooo… I need to complain less and trust Him more. To lift my eyes and fix them on Him, no matter how sucky my circumstances feel. I need to count it all joy, be content in all circumstances, be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances.

Not that God doesn’t notice or care about how much I hate being at uni… He knows all the reasons why I hate it… but He also knows all the reasons why He won’t let me get out… He knows the desires He put in my heart, He knows the gifts and abilities He’s given me, He knows the things I enjoy, He knows what fascinates me… and what makes me so bored I want to run out of a lecture hall SCREAMING!!… He knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11)… He has searched me and knows me (Psalm 139:1)… He created me… and He loves me. He hears my prayers, He sees every time I cry and treasures every tear (Psalm 56:8), He sees my confusion and distress… and yet even though He sees the big picture and is so much bigger than all these things that seem so overwhelming for my little heart… in all my distress He is distressed (Isaiah 63:9)… because He loves me.

He loves me… *smile*… that truth is enough to make me smile and feel just a little more peaceful even in the midst of a trying day at work or uni… enough to make me want to dance and sing all the time… enough to be transforming everything about me… enough to set my heart on a pilgrimage (Psalm 84:5)… enough to turn my heart from hating Him to loving Him.

And hey, I am fully deserving of hell… but now I get to be with Him forever, dwelling eternally in the fullness of joy in His presence (Psalm 16:11). I have to get through uni first though… but it’s better than hell

Soooo… this is pretty much my favourite song at the moment… haha sorry about the Spanish subtitles and sometimes odd slideshow (I don’t understand the significance of long lines of people holding hands…), but it was the only way I could get the song actually on here…

• “… apart from Me you can do nothing.” John 15:5
• “Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.” Psalm 40:17
• “The Lord hears the needy and does not despise His captive people.” Psalm 69:33
• “The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, He saved me.” Psalm 116:6

I like John 15:5. Apart from Him we can do NOTHING. I’m clinging to that truth… and running into Him when I’m feeling overwhelmed by my weakness… and humbling myself when I’m feeling like I’ve got it all together in my own strength.

But lately I’ve been feeling more overwhelmed than having it all together. Taking a long hard look at the choices He’s put infront of me about a whole bunch of things, consequences of choosing either option, confusion over what His will is, meeting my inability to know what is His voice and will, feelin’ torn between obedience, wisdom and desire… and feelin’ overwhelmed…

And yet, in my weakness His strength is made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9). And He sees past the weakness and treasures the heart that desires to love and obey Him completely… He delights in it… says that I am dark yet lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). And He knows, even more than I am discovering, that I can do nothing without Him (John 15:5). And He wants me to love and obey Him even more than I want to. And I ask Him to help me… and so He will. He will. He is the God who saves (Psalm 68:20)… the God who delivers me because He delights in me (Psalm 18:19)… and strengthens my feeble knees (Job 4:4) and helps me run after Him… even when I feel able to do no more than curl up into a ball and cry. But by the grace He’s given me I choose to not cry about my weakness but rejoice in His strength…

… and spend all day singing this song… my life is a musical, for sure…

ps. everyone loves a good “na na na na na na na…” at least I do…

I helped out with the kids ministry today… and I was discussing Hebrews 13:6 with two of the kids…

“So we say with confidence, ’The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’“

And part of our discussion went roughly as followed:

Me: “… so we can pray to God all the time and ask Him to help us and He will.”

Boy: “That’s not true.”

Me: “Why do you think that?”

Boy: “Because I’ve asked Him to help me before and He didn’t do anything.”

And ohhh that was heartwrenching… my heart went out to the little guy… he was so sincere about it and I was like “ohhhh…” on the inside (by the way, I did keep talking to and encouraging him and imparted some truth [yay for the Bible :D]) Buuuuut… I again realised how often I am so quick to doubt or get offended when it doesn’t feel like God helps me the way I want Him to. Argh working with little kids brings up your own heart issues, that’s for sure!!

I am grieved that I get offended at God… I cry out for Him to help me… and He does (*starts singing* Jesus loves-and-helps me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so…). Buuut I get offended and hurt and confused if He doesn’t help me in the way that I, in my weak understanding, think I should be helped… and yet He remains faithful and loves me no less… I am so in awe of His love!! Unfailing (Psalm 6:4), unchanging (Malachi 3:6), knowledge-surpassing (Ephesians 3:19)… everything I long for is found in Him. Argh it seems so clear now but my heart is sooo quick to forget. Oh, how I want to love Him like He loves me…

Ugh and I go on and on about how I feel misunderstood… when God is the most misunderstood out of anyone. Jesus, the One who laid aside His glory and came to earth as creation (Philippians 2:6-7)… all for the sake of love… was despised and rejected (Isaiah 53:3)… sentenced to a slow, painful and humiliating death by the very ones He loved enough to die for… truly there is NO greater love than this (John 15:13). Truly this IS love (1 John 4:10). He was misunderstood, even to the point of being despised enough to be killed… He was misunderstood then and He’s misunderstood now… even by people who love Him… like me … but He doesn’t say to us “you know what?? Forget you guys, you can all just go to hell…” He continues to love… and continues to show mercy… His kindness leading us to repentance (Romans 2:4).

I stand in awe of this love…

“… while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son…” Romans 5:10

“We love Him because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:10

I want to see God rightly. I want to know His love and have it made manifest in me… abounding in and overflowing from my heart. This is what I want out of my life… to know Him and His love (they are inseparable… He IS love [1 John 4:8]) and to make it known… God help me.

… and you know what?? He will

… he’s no longer missing seeee, this prayer thing works (haha if you have no idea what I’m talking about, check out this previous post…)

Ooooh that thought sends me off on a bunny trail…

I help out with my church’s kids ministry, and this week we were teaching them about prayer… especially the fact that God hears and moves at their prayers. And I was so struck by the fact that I was like “Helen!! You need to believe this too!!” as I was talking about prayer with the kids. It’s so easy to tell kids “God hears you always (Psalm 4:3) and you can talk to Him about anything (Ephesians 6:1 and He cares (1 Peter 5:7) and He loves to hear your voice (Song of Songs 2:14)…” and they happily believe it… yet you have to wrestle on the inside with “well, do I actually believe this??” (well, this might not be your experience, but it is mine…)

Oh, that I would take Him at His word… that I would truly consider His Word the truth (Psalm 119:160), not the way I see things… my understanding is so weak. I want to lean not on my own understanding and put my trust fully in the Lord (Proverbs 3:5).

Working in the kids ministry has been such a great growing experience for me… I am one of those people who learns best by explaining stuff to others (hehe no wonder I like blogging about God….), and so answering questions like “what is salvation??” helps ME learn too oh and it’s humbling… I’ve been assigned the job of ‘dance leader’… basically means I get to come up with and lead the actions during worship… I can be all ballet/floaty/twirly/etc just fine, and I go to my ‘happy place’ of sorts where it’s just me and the Lord and little or no self-consciousness… but leading a room of kids (and other leaders!!) in occasionally cheesy actions brings up the heart issues!! Priiiiiide… argh I want it to go awaaaaay… oh Jesus… You who humbled Yourself and came as a man (Philippians 2:8)… You who show me Your humility by the fact You even hear my prayers, let alone answer them… please help me be humble…

Yep, I bunny trailed my way through at least three topics there… hope you enjoyed

We did another worship with the word tonight… Hebrews 3:1-4 was the section of the night…

Therefore, holy brothers, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom we confess. He was faithful to the one who appointed Him, just as Moses was faithful in all God’s house. Jesus has been found worthy of greater honour than Moses, just as the builder of a house has greater honour than the house itself. For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything.

Lately I’ve really been struck by and have spent some time pondering the faithfulness of God. I take great comfort in the fact that He is unchanging… that His love is ever for me (Song of Songs 7:10), His mercy is still unending (Revelation 4:3) and that the things He said in His Word are still true now and forevermore (Isaiah 40:8). It feels ’safe’ to trust Him… because I know that He is always faithful. No matter how unfaithful I may be… His faithfulness remains and is no less. Who am I to ever think that I am big enough to change who God is.

… and yet my weak-but-true love ravishes His heart (Song of Songs 4:9)… :D

As we were singing tonight I had an “oh wow!!” moment… I was flipping through Isaiah and saw the verse about how Jesus was despised and rejected by men (Isaiah 53:3)… and then it hit me… He was despised and rejected by the very ones He loved so faithfully (Deuteronomy 7:9)… loved them enough to die the death they deserved (Isaiah 53:5)… and at their hands. To die that they could live with Him forever (John 17:24)… truly there is no greater love than this (John 15:13)…

He was rejected… yet He remained faithful… this is the One I love

My church has a prayer room, and we’ve started doing harp and bowl style worship with the word on Philippians 2:1-11… all about the humility of Christ. I love singing the word… it just opens up more when I sing it… and then I sing the choruses all week

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: 
 Who, being in very nature God,
      did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 
 but made Himself nothing,
      taking the very nature of a servant,
      being made in human likeness. 
 And being found in appearance as a man, 
      He humbled himself
      and became obedient to death—
         even death on a cross! 
 Therefore God exalted Him to the highest place
      and gave Him the name that is above every name, 
 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
      in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 
 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
      to the glory of God the Father.

So I’ve been stewing on related thoughts for about a week now…

• the King of glory laid aside His glory
• the uncreated God became creation
• God became a man… a despised and rejected man
• He truly lived out what He said: “the meek shall inherit the earth”
• the Almighty God, King of kings and Lord of lords became the servant of all
• He was so humble… yet men were so offended
• He trusted His Father completely

… all for the sake of love…

I want to know this One who loved me so much… who loves me so much… who loves you so much

*starts singing* You came so low, for the sake of love, You came so low…

Yep, as I type this I am currently 1 hour and 11 minutes into 2008. And I’m kind of sad… 2007 was a good year for me. God did so much in my heart… I love Him. And 2008 looks scary to me. I don’t know what lies ahead… and what I do know I’m feeling uneasy about. But I set my heart to love, trust and obey Him… and let Him lead.

What I want in 2008:

• to grow in the knowledge of God
• to love God so much more (this flows out of the first… I want understanding that fuels my heart)
• to love others more (this flows out of the one before this one…)
• to live the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7)
• to cultivate faithfulness
• to trust Him more
• to be in the Word more
• to pursue 100% obedience

And I pray for all my readers that this year He would truly give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him (Ephesians 1:17) like never before. I pray that you would truly grow in the knowledge of this One who loves you so much, this One who delights in you and this One who is unrelenting for your wholehearted love. I pray for an abundance of grace to pray, fast, meditate on/study the Word (and to organise your schedule to do all of the above) and live the Sermon on the Mount. I pray that your love for Him would grow more and more… that your heart would truly burn with passion for Jesus, just as it was created to.

I had one of those days today. Those days where you feel like God turned up the ‘magnifying power’. When you’re seeing the dark, not so much the lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). The days where you have to quote ‘there is NO condemnation in Christ’ (Romans 8:1) over and over again… trying to believe it. The days when you’re feeling the frailty of the earthen vessel, so part of you doubts if there could really be any treasure inside (2 Corinthians 4:7). The days when you aren’t sure if you believe the prophetic words anymore because you’re like “… ummm yep I am too messed up for that to happen. So I guess I’ll let those ones fall to the ground…” The days when all you can pray is “Help me Jesus… help me. Help me.” When it is soooo easy to run to anything to distract yourself from the pain you feel over your own weakness. Sleep, food, Facebook, etc… and then you realise you ran to a whole bunch of things that don’t satisfy and then you’re like aaaargh and feel even worse…

Definitely one of ‘those’ days.

One of those days when you truly have to take God at His word when He says that He does delight in showing mercy (Micah 7:18). That you are dark… and yet so very lovely to Him (Song of Songs 1:5). And that although any righteousness of your own is as filthy rags to Him (Isaiah 64:6), you now have the righteousness that comes from faith in Christ (Romans 3:22). When you truly have to believe that what Jesus did on the cross is bigger than all your issues. That He is not intimidated by your weakness. That it’s not about your ability to make yourself ‘good enough’ for Him to use you or even love you, it’s about having a willing and humble heart before Him and doing your best to follow as He leads you… and trust that He is leading you in paths of righteousness… though you may feel like you’re walking through a valley (Psalm 23:3-4). Trust that He is fully committed and will be unrelenting until He has cultivated a heart of truth, humility and righteousness in you (Psalm 45:4). Trust in His unfailing love. Trust that His faithfulness to you is greater than your propensity to unfaithfulness. Trust that His love for you is greater than your sin nature. Trust that He is leading you into Song of Songs 8 and Revelation 19:7-8.

One of those days where you get to the end of it and think “who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning upon her Beloved?” (Song of Songs 8:5) and realise that although it felt crazy at the time… you do love Him just a little bit more, and trust Him just a little bit more… and that even one of ‘those’ days fits perfectly into His plan

Hmmm I wrote this a couple of months ago… August 4th, to be exact… I remember it was after Misty Edwards spoke at the church service… and she read my mail… pretty much put everything going on in my heart and all the stuff God had been speaking to me into words… I was crying so hard I could barely even breathe…

 … and I was cleaning my room today and found it…

He sees rightly… and He calls you lovely. He is not a man that He should lie. The perfection of beauty sees you and your heart that loves Him… and He finds you beautiful. He who created all that we consider beautiful… mountains, sunsets, oceans… yet they don’t move His heart. Yet you have stolen His heart with but one glance of your eye. The voice that spoke creation tells you that He loves you and He finds you beautiful. He is the perfection of beauty. He alone truly knows what beauty really looks like… and He looks at you and finds your love for Him beautiful. He doesn’t define you by your struggles and failures… He defines you by your earnest desire to love and obey Him. He sees your weak but true love and calls you forth… He is inviting us into wholeheartedness… who will respond? Who will arise, confident in His unfailing love, and follow Him? Who will incline their ear and consider His invitation? His eyes search to and fro… looking for a lover… looking for a friend… Who will arise into wholeheartedness? Who will arise into righteousness? Who will arise into undistracted, undivided devotion? Who will embrace the cross? Who will take up their cross, splinters and all, and follow Him? Who will follow the Lamb? Who will follow the Good Shepherd? Who will be allured into the desert so that they could come out leaning upon their Lover? Who will love with all of their heart, soul, mind and strength? Who will be a lover of that which He fights for? Truth. Humility. Righteousness. Who will be a friend of the Bridegroom? Who will be a voice crying out in the wilderness, “Prepare the way of the Lord!” Who is lovesick? Whose heart joins with all creation and it groans and longs for His return? Who desires to be with Him where He is? Who is captivated? Who is fascinated? Who will be found fully in love? Who has gazed into His eyes of fire and has had their heart set ablaze with passion? Who will consider all things loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus? Who will live for Him? Who will die for Him? Who has been forgiven much? Who will love much? Who will hear His voice and speak it forth?

Arise…