Today I was talking to some of the people from the on-campus prayer meetings about the tension of being a uni student, studying up for some job in the marketplace… but deep down wanting to do ‘full-time ministry’… it brought up something I have been pondering a lot lately… in the post-IHOP, early commerce degree internal WARZONE (oh, the drama, the drama!!). I was a singer, dancer and intercessor in a house of prayer. My job was to worship and pray and fast and read the Word and sing and dance… and I loved it. And now I am here studying a degree that is frustratingly boring and that leads to a career that doesn’t hold any greater appeal… and but despite all my tears and pleading and kicking and screaming… I am still here… I can’t do what I want to do so I feel like I’m stuck doing what God won’t let me get out of. And in my immaturity and lack of understanding so I am prone to whinging to Him… “ohhhh but I just want to do fulltime ministryyyyy” *stomps foot*… yes, oh yes, my little heart is very much a work in progress. One which He is fully committed and fully able to bring into completion (Philippians 1:6)…

But when I lift my eyes from my circumstances and actually listen to what He has to say… I am reminded that in a way, no matter what our vocation is, as Christians we are to live ‘full-time ministry.’

• “You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.” Matthew 5:14-15
• “Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Colossians 4:5-6
• “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.” Acts 4:13

And so on and so on… obviously, this doesn’t mean that missionaries, pastors and the like are wasting their time… and I still don’t want to be an accountant… but even if I ended up as an accountant, I would still have sooo many ministry and evangelism opportunities. Water cooler conversations about God, doing all tasks with an excellence that brings glory to Him, interceding for my colleagues as they work in the cubicle next door etcetc… if full-time ministry and a life devoted to prayer, the Word, fasting and worship is truly what I desire to live, my vocation will never stop me from doing that. Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ (Romans 8:35-39)… and that’s what it’s all about. I don’t want to do this thing I call ministry because I like it in itself. I want to do it because I love Him… and I want to love Him more and live a life of love that directs other people into His love… whatever that looks like.

One thing I think I need in particular is a broader definition of worship… the true definition. I am so quick to shrink it to only include things like singing and dancing… and so if I am doing a uni assignment I act all grumpy because I just want to ‘worship Him’… coming up with a spiritual sounding excuse to slack off my uni work and go do something I deem to be of ‘eternal worth’… conveniently forgetting that we are called to do all things with excellence to bring glory to Him (1 Corinthians 10:31).

Yes, He loves it when I sing to Him… but He also loves it when I cry out (even in the midst of all my confusion and immaturity… dark am I, yet lovely [Song of Songs 1:5]…) ”God, studying accounting seems like the DUMBEST thing to do right now when You’re coming back so soon and I just want to love You more… buuut for some reason You want me here. I don’t get it but I trust You…” and plug away at an assignment, when I could be reading the Word… that matters to Him. It doesn’t make sense to me… if anything, it feels like He should be disappointed with me for doing uni work instead of being with Him… but no, He wants me to be faithful to that which He’s called me in this season. That which looks like a confusing waste of time to me looks to Him like His perfect plan unfolding. And I am so amazed that He loves me so much that my little life and little heart is not overlooked… I am not forsaken (Deuteronomy 31:6)… I am not forgotten (Isaiah 49:15)… I am His beloved.

Yes, I love Him and that makes me want to spend my days praying and reading the Word and fasting and singing and dancing… but because I love Him I want to obey Him fully, even when I don’t get it. I have to trust that His desire for me to love Him more is even greater than my own… that He wants me to know Him even more than I want to know Him… and that He knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11)… and is fully capable to bring them to pass. Whatever they looks like. Whether that means I end up as a fulltime missionary, a conference speaker… or a burning and shining lamp (John 5:35) by the office water cooler.

So back in the day… God created Adam and put him in the garden. What was Adam’s job? To tend the garden (Genesis 2:15). And that’s still our job. Not as in we have to go to the Middle East and start growing a physical leafy garden again… the garden we are in charge of tending is our heart.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23). We have been entrusted with that which is so precious to God… our heart. It was created to love the One who is love (1 John 4:8). Even in all our weakness and immaturity… our little dark hearts are so lovely to Him (Song of Songs 1:5)… and He has put them in our care… knowing that we won’t always do a good job… to quote the Shulammite: “… my own vineyard have I neglected.” (Song of Songs 1:6)

But He is so faithful to help us. For surely we are the work of His hands for the display of His splendor (Isaiah 60:21). And He who has begun a good work will complete it (Philippians 1:6). He is the One who looks with compassion on all our ruins and makes our deserts like Eden and our wastelands a garden (Isaiah 51:3). We can’t just grit our teeth and bring forth righteousness and mature love etcetc… that’s what He will do… if only we let Him. When we choose to pursue 100% obedience and follow where He leads. When we spend time fellowshipping with God, the Holy Spirit that dwells within us… the fruit of that will be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). I need a whooole lot more of ALL of those. I need some fruit trees in my garden

Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards… (Song of Songs 1:15). The foxes speak of little compromises… those little things that God is pressing His finger on… little, yes, but are still not in alignment with Him… ruining the garden. As dead flies give perfume a bad smell, so a little folly outweighs wisdom and honour (Ecclesiastes 10:1). Part of tending the garden is to get rid of those little weeds… “… let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles…” Hebrews 12:1

Argh. Looking at my own heart I’m thinkin’ I need less foxes and more fruit

I want a beautiful fragrance to arise from my garden… a heart overflowing with praise and love… He is worthy of nothing less.

As Jesus and His disciples were on their way, He came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what He said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to Him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42 (NIV… buuut I capitalised some letters that NIV leaves lower case… I just like to do that…)

Yep. Mary of Bethany is my girl (… and, for the record, Jeremiah is my boy ).

In light of everything that needed to be done… Mary saw something of greater necessity… to be captivated and undistracted… just sitting at the feet of Jesus, and listening to what He had to say. This One with grace poured upon His lips (Psalm 45:2)… the One whose words are spirit and life (John 6:63)… the One who is the very Word of God (John 1). She is doing Song of Songs 2:3… “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in His shade…” I want to be like that.

But yes, there were other things that needed to be done. We can be a bit hard on Martha. But the Word says that she was distracted by the preparations that had to be done. Now… it’s not like I’ve read it in the Greek or anything (haha as a side note… I toootally want to be one of those people who can be all ‘… actually in the Greek that word means…’ I don’t like being at the mercy of potentially sucky translations… I like NIV. Some people think it is sucky. But I’ve researched a leeetle bit into translations… and I feel that liking NIV is justifiable. Aaanyway, back to what I was saying before…)… buuut as far as I can see, it doesn’t say that Martha was actually doing the serving at the time. Reading NKJV suggests that Mary and Martha were simultaneously sitting at Jesus’ feet… but Martha’s mind was elsewhere… distracted by all the preparations and serving that had to be done.

I picture Mary sitting and listening intently, fully captivated by Jesus… but Martha sitting there and being like how I am so prone to be… trying to read my Bible but my head is swimming with a whole bunch of other stuff I have to do (eg. do laundry, study, make dinner etctec…)… so much so that I eventually just drop Bible study, which I don’t feel like I’m ‘getting too much out of anyway’ (because I’m probably too noisy on the inside to hear anything…) in favour of other stuff that needs to be done. And so I’m guessing that at some point Martha bailed and started doing preparations… the preparations that had to be done. Sooo… I’m not going to have a go at her for doing stuff that needed to be done.

Haha I just realised that I started this post planning on talking about Mary, but I’m rambling on about Martha now… oh well

Sooo… Martha had a choice… preparations that obviously needed to be done, for she had, after all, opened her home to Jesus (and I’m assuming His disciples as well…)… versus sitting at the feet of God, listening to what He has to say. There is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1)… so I’m guessing that there was a time to listen and a time to prepare. Nothing wrong with preparation. But being so internally distracted by things that need to be done that you can’t focus on the thing that is better than all of that is a problem. A problem I am prone to…

Oh, that I would be able to sit at His feet, gazing upon Him with dove’s eyes (Song of Songs 4:1)… undistracted, undivided devotion (1 Corinthians 7:35)… listening to what He has to say… not distracted by all those other things, as valid as they may be. For they are not more important than just quietening down and spending time with God. And then that I could go do those other things with all my heart as if I was working for God and not men (Colossians 3:23)… worshipping Him in all that I do, whether I am meditating in the Word or doing an assignment for uni… but most of all treasuring the times just spent at His feet… the one thing that is needed (Luke 10:42)… the one thing I desire (Psalm 27:4)…

I was plunkin’ away at the keys the other day… I was just meandering my way around the Bible… singing things that caught my eye, cross referencing, exploring the what these verses mean, playing around with chord progressions… lingering at the keys as time slipped away… because He loves me and loves to hear my voice (Song of Songs 2:14)… and oh, how I love to sing my heart out to Him

And in amongst all of that, this verse caught my eye…

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone…” Psalm 62:5

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone. For in His presence is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11). Why spend life running around, trying to find happiness in anything and everything apart from God… when in the presence of the omnipresent God (Psalm 139:7) who dwells within me (1 Corinthians 6:19) and whom I can come boldly before (Hebrews 4:16) is pleasure forevermore. He has given me the gift of righteousness (Romans 5:17)… the gift of right standing before Him. I don’t have to try and earn His love… I don’t have to strive to be found worthy of love. For when I was His enemy He loved me enough to send His Son as an atoning sacrifice for my sins (Romans 5:10, 1 John 4:10)… and His love remains unchanged. Find rest, O my soul, in the One who knows me better than I do, yet still loves me. Sees all my darkness, and declares that I am lovely (Song of Songs 1:5). Calling things that are not as though they were (Romans 4:17)… calling them out and into existence. The same voice that spoke creation (Genesis 1)… calls me lovely. And so I am. And so I will be.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone. The One my soul longs for (Psalm 63:1). The One who created me to long for Him. The One who will give me desires of my heart when I delight myself in the One whom I desire above all else (Psalm 37:4). The One I desire to seek and gaze upon all the days of my life (Psalm 27:4). The One who is holy (too many references to name just one…), the One who stands alone, transcending all others (Song of Songs 2:3)… in this One alone may I find complete rest.

I want to feel my need for God… and take it and run not to another but into Him. I want to be my heart to be aching with hunger for God… and not being satisfied with anything less. For only He can satisfy. And He will still the hunger of those He cherishes (Psalm 17:14)… stilling my hunger for Him with Himself… and yet leave me so much hungrier than I was… only to be satisfied again… and on and on and on… ever drawing me deeper. Surely, He will take me to Himself (Psalm 49:15). Though many a man claims to have unfailing love (Proverbs 20:6)… only in Him will I find perfect, unfailing, everlasting love. That which He has so graciously lavished upon me (1 John 3:1). Oh, that I would not become complacent… lulled into a false sense of security (Amos 6:1)… content with other lovers… why run after other lovers (Hosea 2:7) when I am relentlessly pursued by the One who is love (1 John 4:8)??

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone…

I saw an ad yesterday for what appears to be a celebrity gossip website… the website’s ‘catchy’ slogan?? “Where fans go to worship.” I felt slightly sick when I saw that. My friend next to me goes “ummmm… end times worship movement…” and I agreed.

We were made to worship God… the One… the only One… who is worthy of all glory, honour, power and praise (Revelation 4:13). He is worthy of our attention, our devotion… all of our heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30). But already so many other things tug at our minds and our hearts for our attention and devotion. Our culture is already so full of idolatry… it glorifies it. American Idol. Celebrity gossip sites… where fans go to worship. People collecting lots of memorabilia of their favourite footy team and calling it their ’shrine’. Oh, these things that we sacrifice our time and money to…

… about a year ago (when I was a Christian and about to leave for my internship at the International House of Prayer), I paid seventy-something dollars and went to see my formerly favourite band in concert. I was having fun in the moshpit… jumpin’ around with everyone else… pushing and shoving along with everyone else… screaming out the lyrics with everyone else… reaching out to try and touch the lead singer with everyone else… lifting up my hands before the band along with everyone else… and then in then middle of all that madness I suddenly stopped… lowered my hands… and was like “… what am I doing????” and, feeling quite shaken, ran into His unending mercy and repented. It all looked no different to a high-energy church service… except we weren’t worshipping the Lord and singing about Him. We were worshipping a band and singing about how alone we feel and how overwhelmed we feel by all the darkness inside… any surprise that I used to cut myself listening to this band’s albums??

The world today is getting so good at this worship thing… and soon a man is going to come along and bring ‘peace’ to the Middle East (Daniel 9:27)… three and a half years later he is going to demand that everyone worship his image… and will kill everyone who refuses (Revelation 13:14-15). But why would you refuse, when he has brought ‘peace’ and economic reform (Revelation 13:16-17) and established a worldwide religion (Revelation 17)…?

I can think of a very good reason to refuse… the Antichrist is not God.

Oh that my heart would be ready… I want to prepare my heart for what it is to come. I have to eat the scroll (Revelation 10:9)… I have to be devoted to long and loving meditation in the Word of God that His truth would be written upon my heart (Proverbs 3:3). I want to have a history of intimacy, a history of worship and undistracted devotion to Him… He is worthy of nothing less.

If in that day I choose to worship God alone I could be killed by the Antichrist… and then I will enter the fullness of joy in the presence of the One I love (Psalm 16:11). Or I could worship the Antichrist and live another day… only to spend eternity tormented in the presence of the One I chose to despise (Revelation 14:10).

So today… and every day… I set my heart to worship God. For I will have to choose on that day… and my life… both temporal and eternal… will hinge on it.

… I have already made my choice… and oh God, give me grace to remain steady…

These verses have been going round and round my heart for the past couple of weeks…

“This is love: not that we loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:10

“… when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to Him through the death of His Son…” Romans 5:10

… and tonight we were doing worship with the Word, all about the crucifixion (today is Good Friday)… and these verses continued to go round and round my heart… and sometimes even out into my singing.

I love this… that God loved us so much, even when we hated Him, that He sent His Son to die for our sins… the sin that we chose over Him back in the garden (Genesis 3)… and over and over and over again since. But He loved us… and still desired that we would be with Him forever (John 17:24). So Jesus died to reconcile us to God… that we could be with Him forever. We deserve eternal torment… yet because Jesus went to the cross, forever we can experience the fullness of joy in His presence (Psalm 16:11).

We are so loved

And so I live to return that love… in my weak-but-true way that moves His heart (Song of Songs 4:9)… *happy sigh*

Ouch… I am currently studying obedience (worship with the word tomorrow night, yaaaaay!!)… and ohhhh hello conviction… praise the Lord that conviction is different from condemnation… and that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). The fact that I am convicted reminds me that He is fully committed to establishing righteousness within me (Isaiah 62:1)… not that He has ‘given up’ on me. Praise the Lord for His unrelenting, unfailing love… love remains for me, even when I disobey… but I want to obey. He who was obedient to death (Philippians 2:8)… because He loves me… I want to obey Him… because I love Him.

… pluuuus, He is the Lord God Almighty (Revelation 4:8)… that alone commands full obedience

… reading books about the Bible/God is no substitute for reading the Bible

… talking about God is no substitute for talking to God

… having friends who go deep in God is no substitute for going deep in God yourself

… planning lots of fasting days and huge chunks of set-aside prayer time etcetc… but always intending yet never actually doing… is no substitute for being faithful with a little (Matthew 25:21)

… being able to quote a whole bunch of verses off the top of your head is no substitute for having them written on your heart (Proverbs 7:3)

… knowing facts about God is no substitute for intimate knowledge of the Person of God

… speed-reading your way through lots of chapters is no substitute for long and loving meditation

… having numerous commentaries sitting on your bookshelf is no substitute for actively pursuing the knowledge of God

… listening to a worship CD is no substitute for actually worshipping the Lord

… physically being in a prayer meeting is no substitute for actually praying… just your heart crying out to the Lord…

… hearing the word of God is no substitute for putting it into practice (Ezekiel 33:31)

… sacrifice is no substitute for obedience (1 Samuel 15:22)

… having His name ever on my lips is no substitute for having Him close to my heart (Jeremiah 12:2)

… “having it all together” on the outside is no substitute for a heart of truth, humility and righteousness (Matthew 23:27)

… being able to put Daniel 9 in a nice little timeline is no substitute for a heart that is truly prepared for the End Times

… having the role of a lead worshipper is no substitute for encountering the Lord in worship

… a big ministry is no substitute for personal fellowship with the Lord… where it’s just you and Him alone…

… a quick ‘thanks God’ when everything seems to be going well is no substitute for truly living with a grateful heart in all seasons and situations

… saying all this ^^ is no substitute for actually living it

Those ‘first things’ I listed aren’t bad… but in my own experience I have done them and thought that it was ‘enough’… in His kindness, God has convinced me otherwise… buuut I think that maybe I still need more convincing because I don’t always live like I’m convinced… I am so quick to say “it’s all about LOVE!!” … buuut I don’t always live like it. I am so quick to try to achieve the ‘end product’ that I miss the love… and without love it is all nothing (1 Corinthians 13:1-3).

Oh and here’s an update on the 30 day challenge (today is day #8… yep, I am still pluggin’ away at it…)

Yesterday I was driving and was like “hmmm, I don’t want to waste this time… I’ll meditate on Revelation 4…” so I was driving and singing (yes, I sing to help me meditate on Scripture… to IHOPers this is not weird but maybe to other people it may seem so…)… and I was having so much fuuuun … a bit too much fun maybe. I suddenly realised I wasn’t actually paying too much attention to the road and was also speeding. Hmmm. It was a bit of a hazard.

… he’s no longer missing seeee, this prayer thing works (haha if you have no idea what I’m talking about, check out this previous post…)

Ooooh that thought sends me off on a bunny trail…

I help out with my church’s kids ministry, and this week we were teaching them about prayer… especially the fact that God hears and moves at their prayers. And I was so struck by the fact that I was like “Helen!! You need to believe this too!!” as I was talking about prayer with the kids. It’s so easy to tell kids “God hears you always (Psalm 4:3) and you can talk to Him about anything (Ephesians 6:1 and He cares (1 Peter 5:7) and He loves to hear your voice (Song of Songs 2:14)…” and they happily believe it… yet you have to wrestle on the inside with “well, do I actually believe this??” (well, this might not be your experience, but it is mine…)

Oh, that I would take Him at His word… that I would truly consider His Word the truth (Psalm 119:160), not the way I see things… my understanding is so weak. I want to lean not on my own understanding and put my trust fully in the Lord (Proverbs 3:5).

Working in the kids ministry has been such a great growing experience for me… I am one of those people who learns best by explaining stuff to others (hehe no wonder I like blogging about God….), and so answering questions like “what is salvation??” helps ME learn too oh and it’s humbling… I’ve been assigned the job of ‘dance leader’… basically means I get to come up with and lead the actions during worship… I can be all ballet/floaty/twirly/etc just fine, and I go to my ‘happy place’ of sorts where it’s just me and the Lord and little or no self-consciousness… but leading a room of kids (and other leaders!!) in occasionally cheesy actions brings up the heart issues!! Priiiiiide… argh I want it to go awaaaaay… oh Jesus… You who humbled Yourself and came as a man (Philippians 2:8)… You who show me Your humility by the fact You even hear my prayers, let alone answer them… please help me be humble…

Yep, I bunny trailed my way through at least three topics there… hope you enjoyed

The beauty of Jesus… 

Wednesday night is worship with the Word night in our prayer room… WWWW… worship with the word on Wednesday We had a time of spontaneous singing so I got to sing what’s been going round and round my heart… round and round and out into my singing whenever I get a chance… all about the beauty of Jesus… beautiful and glorious (Isaiah 4:2)… altogether lovely (Song of Songs 5:16)… fairer than the sons of men (Psalm 45:2)… etcetc… *happy sigh* I love to sing… especially about Jesus

Recruiting…

Today I got to observe/interact with different groups trying to recruit new university students. I especially paid attention to the Christian groups… there was one man just offering bright green Gideon Bibles to passersby… I had a girl simply walk up to me and ask if I was a Christian… others were just sitting at their booths chatting amongst themselves… had a guy chat to me and hand me an invitation to a karaoke night, block party, food fest and outdoor cinema (I totally thought it was just an ordinary university social group, but on close inspection of the invite I saw in tiny fine print that it is actually related to a local church)… another guy gave me a pretty cool lookin’ business-card sized invite to an “inclusive mainstream church“… I have NO idea what that means…

I was intrigued by all the different techniques… I don’t know who managed to recruit the most amount of people to their group… I still don’t really know a lot about each group… all I know is this weekend I am going to hang out with the crew of the girl who walked up to me… and I am definitely praying for all the on-campus Christians… and, of course, the non-Christians… for surely they were created to know God and love God… and it grieves me that so many don’t…

I praise God that even within a secular university He is raising up those who know their God, and desire to make Him known… and they’re doing so in a whole bunch of different ways